My husband does far more chores than me

[DependentOnChocolate]

I read so many things on here and other social media about men being incompetent with household chores, or not taking on the mental load required when you have (small) children. I wonder what percentage of relationships do struggle in this way? I actually have the opposite, which i am extremely grateful for, but also makes me feel incredibly guilty!
We currently have a nearly 3 year old who is in full tantrum mode quite a lot and nearly 1 year old who is breastfed. I find it really hard to get anything done around the house, use my brain to plan anything, and play with the kids as much as I feel I should...my husband does all the washing, gets up with both kids (if both awake) anytime from 5am onwards so i can catch up on sleep, stays up with the baby at night so I can go to bed early, does bedtime for the toddler, he does a lot of the cooking, always sorts out lunch (a particular mental block of mine), does loads of chores at the weekend, often at the expense of spending time with the kids...I have tried to persuade him to take a break and relax but he says he doesnt have time or doesnt deserve to as he hasn't done enough!
Thing is I feel the need to explain what I have done to 'pull my weight' or justify why I haven't done much. Last night my husband cleaned the kitchen floor after dinner, and I felt so guilty as I had been at home most of the day and didnt get round to it...
Does anyone else struggle with this? As I say, I am incredibly grateful but don't know how to stop feeling guilty, or how to do any more than I do, especially when im still breastfeeding regularly (oh and baby rarely naps except on me). I have tried asking him if he thinks im not pulling my weight but he says no and I dont believe him! He cant win!

In my view, the thing that really harms a marriage isn’t an unequal balance in chores, but a lack of acknowledgement and appreciation of each other’s contribution. So if you are noticing and thanking him and checking he doesn’t feel resentful, that’s a very good start. I don’t think a strict 50/50 split all the time is ever achievable because life ebbs and flows - when one of you has a busy patch at work, the other will do more; when one of you is in poor health, the other will do more; when one of you has some sort of extra obligation like caring for an elderly relative, the other will do more. Or in your case, if you are breastfeeding, then it makes perfect sense that your husband is doing more of the other stuff.

The only thing I’d keep an eye on is that your DH isn’t doing housework at the expense of spending time with the DC. Eg “I can’t read a bedtime story because the kitchen floor needs sweeping”. I know I sometimes fall into the trap of constantly postponing playing with the kids because I think the chores have to be done first, but if you keep saying “I’ll play that board game after I put the laundry on, after I’ve vacuumed, etc”, you run the risk over time of spending their whole childhoods tidying the house instead of enjoying the stage when they are young and want to spend time with you. The house can be tidy again after the kids grow up and leave home!

I would say lucky you, he sounds great! As long as he is not doing it to avoid interacting with you and the children then happy days!

that s my DH too... I do not do much at all, but for the broader long term planning and coordination which he cannot conceptualise. Basically, i manage him, and manage him delegating stuff to our teens, who are sloths.

I d love to do more (i m not here super often as travel a lot), and my mother definitely thinks I should feel ashamed and very guity.

That's my OH too. I feel so guilty but mess seems overwhelming to him and having 3 conversations at once with the kids is too overwhelming to him. So we do activities to our strengths.

Your first sentence is so true, and is often forgotten on this website amongst the advice for exact splits, Fair Play cards and so on. I think there is a huge amount that people are willing to do in their relationships as long as a) they feel fully appreciated and valued, and b) their partners does the things that are important to them

You are really really lucky and you know it!
How wonderful that your husband is such an evolved father and works so much around the house.
Is he a bit of a workaholic, does he have some kind of perfectionism trait? You say that you've asked him to take a break and he says he can't because he doesn't feel that he's deserved a break yet... I get the same way. I work and work and work, and you get into the mindset that you work from the time you get up until the time that you go to bed and still you probably didn't get enough done. You're well aware that you've worked circles around everybody else, you've done the work of three or four or five people, you were so super productive and yet, you get into the mindset that it's never enough. This will lead to burnout by the way. But if this is the way he is with other things, hobbies and work and not just child care and household duties, that might just be the way he is.

Always make sure that you appreciate him, that you express your gratitude, and that you find some way to make him feel special as an extra thank you for what he does. It's easy to get complacent after a while of someone else always doing the work for you, and forget how much of help this is, it's easy for us to not say thank you enough. And then, sometimes people feel like they're being taken advantage of and that's when resentment and problems happen.

Same here! Toddler and a breastfed newborn too. Husband does everything. Honestly everything. I don’t feel too bad as I am breastfeeding and experiencing a tricky recovery but I do get the guilts sometimes. If my newborn lets me put him down and I manage to do the smallest chore, my husband then feels bad I’ve done it.
He’s an absolute bloody keeper.
And as long as you appreciate your husband and tell him that regularly then you shouldn’t ever feel guilty.
And the reason you shouldn’t feel guilty for having what a lot of women are looking for is that what’s the alternative? Leave a good one for a crappy one?!? If a friend was with someone crappy you’d say “you deserve better” so why then don’t you also deserve a good one? Lean in to your happiness and appreciate what you have. I don’t know you personally of course but you probably deserve it.

My OH is also like this except he doesnt exactly do everything all the time but hes certainly very domestically capable and sometimes does do more than me.

Im in my third trimester with our second DD right now and I work 8-6 shifts 3/4 times a week on top of 50/50 caring for our 3 year old DD and also doing housework when I can.

He works full time in fact hes always up hours before 'awake time' working in his office. He mostly takes DD to nursery and picks her up, cleans the kitchen every night until spotless, does all the heavy duty chores (for obvious reasons) and some other chores, he is also an early riser so I know he would help me out at weekends and let me get extra sleep and look after the girls on his own whenever it was needed. I still do household chores but iv naturally had to slow down and only do as much as I physically can.

I would say we are actually very equal on everything but when this baby is born he will obviously have to step up and take on the vast majority of house tasks in the early weeks, and I will feel guilty but then he wont be the one recovering from birth and BF every hour on the hour whilst also taking care of a toddler with unlimited energy alone, so I think its just about letting the guilt go and making sure they know they are appreciated for what they do.

Growing the baby and feeding it is a hell of a chore

Yes my husband also does more of the household load, all the house admin. I don’t feel guilty it’s because he’s more uptight about tidying than i am. I also think it’s his turn when the children were small he worked more hours and i did the bulk then so his turn now we’ve reduced hours (no children in house) only down side is i know nothing of house admin so no idea who our insurance/utility providers are etc but he has a folder on lap top with the info so i guess if i ever wanted too id look but i find it all so boring and dull.

You need to reframe your thinking. You consider him getting up at 5am so you can sleep part of his contribution. But why do you need to catch up on sleep? Is it because you're up at night with the baby? That's your contribution. Being the place the baby sleeps- that's your contribution. You're belittling your contribution. It's a good thing he recognises it.

My kids are adults and I’ve got into a bad habit of letting my dh do everything. He deals with anything wrong in the house, I don’t see a bill, he plans and books our holidays, sorts my adult children’s car issues etc. He knows I value him (of course) and is happy to do it. He deals with his wider families’ issues too. I adore him and look after him too, I’m just crap at the practical stuff. I’m the first one to admit if he wasn’t around one day, I’d be lost.

Seem to be at odds with everyone else here.
I don't think it fair for one partner be it male or female to do such a n unequal share of chores. And these husbands doing such a huge amount of housework must have their jobs as well. Many quite stressful jobs.
An unfair division of labour is not right.

Try investing in a routine.

My husband does a huge amount, mostly because he works from home 3 days a week so fits it on between calls etc. I'm very grateful. I cook meals, meal plan, book the online grocery shop etc, but he does do the washing, hoovering, cleans the bathrooms and he decorated for Christmas.

We do things 50/50. I do what i am able to do. Whether it is to mow the lawn, paint walls, get on the roof to seal it from the rain, take the grinder and saw to do woodwork, clean the pool, whatever i can to pull my weight. We take turns cooking and cleaning. Thank goodness our kids are older and they help to cook and clean. And there are days where we will both just do nothing but watch TV and chill.

I very much doubt he is thinking "come on you lazy cow, mop the kitchen floor".

I imagine he sees you doing all that you are doing with the kids and is thinking how can make life easier for the 2 of you.

I went into psychosis and my husband knew nothign at all about any bank accounts, our mortgage provider, broadband provider. my mind was totally incapacitated .

it was only then that I realised all the hours admin had fallen to me. My breakdwon was from stress and sleep deprivation finishing my PhD up so I feel angry I dint treat myself better and say I needed more help. he wouldnt let us have a cleaner