AIBU Drunk Husband

[muddledandpregnant]

I must start by saying I love my husband, he is very good to our kids and me. Kind, supportive and a great provider. But this is an issue for us and I find it really upsetting

When he has a drink, he cannot seem to stop at one or two. He does not drink that often anymore for this reason. Last night we went to a friends, he had a few drinks and went home to the kids. I drove and went out afterwards to a play. When I came home later on he was absolutely steaming. His shirt was covered in red wine and he was practically falling around. The kids were asleep and he had ordered a bottle of wine and drank the whole thing on his own.

I don’t know if this is normal behavior but I am really triggered by it. I hate seeing him this way, it makes me feel unsafe and like I cannot trust him. Sometimes he acts like my reactions to his drinking are overblown and they probably are because alcoholism runs in my family. I’ve seen people die from it. I’ve watched it pull apart families. He does know that it is an issue for him and often goes long periods without drinking and we are much happier then.

I don’t know what to do I feel like I’ve attracted, married and procreated with my worst fear.

You are right. Lead him to Catherine Gray, one year no beer, Belle Robertson, John Robbins, this naked mind etc. He has a gene. I had it. Didn't drink until i did. Now six years AF. Absolutely in top things ever done.

I would tell him exactly what you’ve written here. He needs to have a long think about how drunk he was last night - I would not have wanted someone that drunk around my DC either.

yanbu. He should not drink.

He’s really not a great dad if he does this when is sole charge of his children is he?

It is not normal to get absolutely hammered when you're just at home with the kids. He has a problem. If he cannot just enjoy one or twin drinks then he needs to stop completely.

He was at home caring for his children and he got blind drunk? - he definitely has a problem and I am sorry you are having to deal with this - but it cannot be ignored.

I’m in AA and we talk about how it’s a 3 fold illness - the perfect storm, if you like, of being in emotional distress (spiritual), having a habit or crutch to use alcohol to change how you feel (mental), and having a physical reaction to alcohol (physical).

I really really recognise this phenomenon of craving - once I’d had one drink that was it, a physical switch was flicked in my body that meant I craved more no matter what. Often leading to very inappropriate drinking ‘after’ whatever the social situation was as I simply could not stop until I was passed out.

Perhaps he doesn’t yet have the spiritual and mental issues but this definitely sounds like the physical reaction of an alcoholic so I would be having a very serious conversation with him to bring home quite how inappropriate that was.

Thank you, it feels good to be affirmed in this worry. I appreciate the advice and will research Catherine Gray and the others recommended. I hate this gene but I am quite optimistic that he will be able to stop as he admits the issue himself. He did not get drunk until the kids were down but this is mostly irrelevant because he was not able to adequately care for them once drunk

I totally agree - have had similar here. I don’t think it’s normal behaviour at all - mine can’t seem to stop at one or two . He really shouldn’t drink at all as he can’t regulate. It’s caused so many problems in an otherwise good relationship.

The problem we have is that he doesn’t see it as a problem at all - I’ve come to the realisation I can’t make him stop. I can only change whether I’m prepared to live with it or not which I am considering. It’s difficult as it’s not every day , week or month but every so often there will be a big issue due to drink. He’s had many ‘near misses’ when he has been what I would consider in a dangerous situation - getting off public transport literally a hundred miles from home, loss of phone laptop etc.

Did you yourself see an alcoholic parent when you were growing up?. Children of such tend to attract alcoholic partners themselves.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

The only person who can stop him drinking is him. You can do nothing to influence that. Your energies would be better employed on looking after yourself and your dc and contacting al-anon.

You need to consider going forward whether you want to stay married to him because his primary relationship is with drink, not you or your dc. They do not warrant having an alcoholic parent in their lives either. You have a choice re him, your children do not.

It’s not altogether surprising that you’ve gone onto marry an alcoholic because you grew up
sering alcoholics around you. That became your normal.

I know these recommendations might not be that useful as they are women but influencers Millie MacKintosh and Sarah Turner (theunmumseymum) both talk about how they couldn’t stop at one or two. They just quit drinking. I don’t think they were alcoholics but just incapable of enjoying a couple of drinks. Millie wrote “bad drunk” about this. I haven’t read it but it does have some chapters from experts which might be useful.

It sounds like unless he recognises the issue, it will just continue.

I would give him the option of quitting alcohol completely, or I would be done.

What if one of the children became very ill, or something else like that. He was not in a fit state to respond to an emergency. That is why he shouldn't have had any more alcohol. Makes you feel you can't go out, which is unfair.

Completely unacceptable for him to be hammered in charge of the kids