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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Either I don't do it for him or there is a problem.....just needed to share

18 replies

UpandDown · 09/06/2008 22:17

Been seeing someone for about six weeks...taking things really slow. A couple of weeks ago we slept together....I orgasmed he didn't.

To put it mildly he kept going soft....time ran out and i had to go. Anyway we talked about it and tried again last night...same happened. He says he masturbates and comes, his last partner earlier in the year there were no issues.

I've been single a while and feeling a bit rusty....am mortified. I don't know whether to persevere as either

1/ I just don't do it for him....

2/ He has an erection problem that he ain't going to the doctors about. (He has ecszema and won't even see the doctor about that).

Have no idea where to go on this one....any advice??

OP posts:

girlnextdoor · 09/06/2008 22:20

I'd say he has a problem- it is quite common that men cannot orgasm with a women believe it or not! it is psychological and he needs to t alk to someone-psychosexual therapist.

I am sure it is not you at all.

Original poster

UpandDown · 09/06/2008 22:21

and he says he feels like I'm holding back....which I am a little as were just getting to know each other and I'm hardly wanting to go straight for the leather whips etc... ;) just yet...
was hoping for a little tenderness first...

I don't know...

OP posts:

Original poster

UpandDown · 09/06/2008 22:24

Girlnextdoor...thank you.

If is is psychological how do I broach him getting help with it?? without making things worse or stepping on his ego/male pride??

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 09/06/2008 22:25

Maybe make some more effort to get him turned on? If he likes things a bit rougher or kinky at all, then you 'holding back' and looking for tenderness might not be helping..

I'm not criticising BTW, I had this problem with a guy once. I was being reserved as we'd not known each other long.. but it wasn't doing it for him. I had to whip out the ties and cuffs, and after that, well lets just say they never went back in the box

Original poster

UpandDown · 09/06/2008 22:37

lol....oh god...

maybe...

its not the turning on thats the problem its maintaining it during the sex. I haven't done that kinky stuff in ages and then it was with someone I'd been with for 12 years.....

Dirtysexymummy how did you get passed that reserved barrier?

Didn't feel I was being overly reserved but there again I have been out of it for a while.....and this guy has been a bit of a ladies man, maybe thats just what he's used to.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 09/06/2008 22:45

Well, I didn't really 'get past it', it was never really there. I was purposely holding back with this guy because of the circumstances around how we knew each other.

But, I went back to normal after the first night (in fact, the next morning ) and everything was fine after that.

girlnextdoor · 09/06/2008 22:46

Just say no more sex til he gets himself sorted. Seriously, i don't think there is a tactful approach- you either carry on trying, or he admits there is a problem. How do you KNOW there weren't probs with his other partner? Is he likely to admit that?

Does he feel guilty? Does he lack sexual confidence? Is he worried about anything to do with his performance? It sounds as if he is inexperienced tbh.

Jazzicatz · 09/06/2008 22:51

I had this with a partner and he felt a huge pressure to perform and just didn't feel that relaxed with me at first - we soon overcame it though and things were fine. Just take things easy - if it doesn't work just leave it and try again later - continue with kisses and cuddles though but take away the pressure to perform.

littlewoman · 10/06/2008 08:32

Took me ages to be able to 'enjoy myself' (ahem) with new dp because I'd been with xh for so long. It was psychological - pressure to perform, as JC says.

girlnextdoor · 10/06/2008 08:50

yes, lw but it's a different thing when it's a guy- they can't even pretend that all is ok!

I had a similar situation with a guy much older than me but he was very inexperienced. He began to make all kinds of excuses, to avoid sex, such as being tired and over worked- but actually he had big issues with being that close to a woman, and in the end we split.

Hard to know if this is just a blip with this new man, or if he does have issues.

littlewoman · 10/06/2008 09:12

I never bothered to pretend that everything was okay. I just told dp that I hadn't had an orgasm with anyone since xh, but I'm sure it was stage fright and I would be okay when I got used to him (which it was). I didn't put it on dp, though, saying "well, I never had this problem with xh. I feel you're holding back and not servicing me well enough". Don't like the way he has done that to the OP. That's not fair.

girlnextdoor · 10/06/2008 09:39

i don't think he has done that to the OP- that is HER slant on it- what he has done is try to cover his tracks and say the previous partner and him had no problems- but then he would, wouldn't he? That's not quite the same as blaming her.

madamez · 10/06/2008 09:44

Is he a bit out of practice? Ie has it been a while since he had sex with a person as opposed to his hands? Because he could simply have got physically used to doing it in a certain way that always works for him, and the touch of another person's hand or body is not quite the same.
Or it could be that he wants something a bit different (spanking, tying up, you dressing him in your underwear, doing it in a bath of spaghetti hoops). You could perhaps have a gentle friendly chat about favourite sexual fantasies - obvioulsy bearing in mind that if what he wants to do is something that you find scary or nauseating, you don't have to do it (though there is no need to point and laugh or shriek in outrage if it isn;t illegal or involving people who don't consent) if he is nice in all other ways.
If he's not much cop in other departments, politely move on and don't worry about it.

notjustmom · 10/06/2008 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotDoingTheHousework · 10/06/2008 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AllFallDown · 10/06/2008 13:58

Man speaking ...
Maybe it's just taking him a while to feel comfortable and relaxed. Him not getting an erection at first attempt is just his mind's way of telling him to be sure he really likes you. And when he's ready, it'll be fine. Not as uncommon as you'd think, I reckon.

littlewoman · 10/06/2008 15:01

True enough, GND. I see your point

Useful to see a man's viewpoint, AFD.

cheerfulvicky · 11/06/2008 16:19

I had this same problem with my DP when we got together. I felt it was a combination of nerves and getting used to having sex again on his part, he seemed a bit tense and would sometimes not be able to orgasm or go soft. Probably used to his hand ;) It made me feel a bit sad but we didn't discuss it at all really...

Now I have the opposite problem with him; he comes too quickly, especially if its been a while. Like, REALLY quickly - within seconds sometimes, or he'll go very slow and feather light because as soon as he speeds up, he'll orgasm. He's said he never had this issue with any previous partners, to which I replied a trifle huffily: "well I'll just try and be less sexy then!". He laughed. But secretly I didn't feel sexy, I felt a right idiot and like he was blaming me for his problems in bed.

Anyway, sorry to hijack your thread. I think basically what I'm trying to say is, you can't win with men! Some couples aren't always sexually a good fit (in the metaphorical sense) because of different styles/ expectations based on previous partners. But I do think that loads of communication and empathy can overcome some of these kinds of issues. Hope that's the case for you.

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