So you've recently been diagnosed ADHD but you don't have any medication yet but when you get medication you'll consider going on it to help regulate your energy ebbs and flows.
So, you've always been this way, ups and downs, and without an actual diagnosis, probably people who knew you just considered you to be "a bit quirky?" A little bit odd perhaps but that's just "howthehelldidwegethere's" personality.
But now that you're actually diagnosed he's being a lot tougher with you? A lot less accepting? Is that what you think? Would it be like someone who has known hunger related mood swings, someone who when they don't eat for a while is known to get exceptionally hangry, and everyone knows it and it's always been a way, something you may be joke a little bit about but you also just know that's the way they are and you accept it but then you find out that they're actually diabetic with fluctuating blood sugars, not just grumpy when they don't eat, and now all of a sudden it's a medical diagnostic illness something that has a term something that has a set of actions and consequences and doctors and medications and all the rest instead of just being the way that you are.... Could that be something that's freaking out your partner as well?
That you're not just quirky, but that you have an actual mental health condition and he's not sure how to deal with this?
You say that when you show any type of emotion he gets very shut down / black and white. Could it be that he's trying not to aggravate your emotional state, trying not to feed the fire so to speak, I know people who get extremely worked up about things, they get really really upset really really excited really really aggravated etc, and their loved ones react by becoming cold as ice, unemotional like a robot. They do their best to keep their own reactions and emotions to an absolute minimum to avoid feeding their extremely emotive family member. Could that be possibly what he's doing? Trying to balance your excessive emotional state by providing a extremely neutral emotional state so that the two kind of equalize?
I'm just wondering what might be going through his head. If he's in denial that you actually have a psychological condition? If he's wondering what this will mean for future? If he's wondering if this will turn into something worse? If he's wondering that the kids might end up a few years down the right line being diagnosed with some type of emotional regulatory condition or neurodiversity issue? If he's wondering what the future will be like with you and whether or not he'll be able to cope? I'm not saying any of this is your fault of course, just some people can't deal with anything out of the usual happening with their partner.
I've known people that when they've gotten a serious medical news, their partner split. At the worst possible time, when they completely needed to have support in their life, their partner of many years just up and left. So incredibly selfish, so incredibly inconsiderate, but their way of protecting themselves, so they don't have to be around the pain of seeing their loved one suffer. Yeah I know that's really selfish and I don't excuse it either, but it's a thing that happens. Could it be that your partners thinking about this?
I don't know. And I don't know what to say to you and I hope that you're not still awake, but you might be. And, it sounds like you guys really need to communicate, but that might be easier said than done. Relationships can change, people can fall out of love, but people also can strengthen their relationship through different types of adversity. I don't feel that an ADHD diagnosis is the world's worst thing to happen compared to all the other horrible things in the world that can happen, and I really hope that if that's the main problem, that you guys can work your way through this.
I think both of you are going to have to work on finding ways not to trigger each other, that whatever it is that you're doing that he finds annoying, he's got to find a way to let It Go, or, you might be able to find a way to modify your behavior around him. Like all things, a good relationship is based on communication, mutual respect, empathy, and a desire to work together. I really hope that you can find this.