How to get out of this wedding

[InBedBy10]

An ex colleague asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was shocked to be honest because although we did get on well and had afew (work) nights out, we are not particularly close. I agreed because I was taken by surprise and honestly didn't want to hurt her feelings so just said yes.

I've since found out she has 12 bridesmaids. 2 of which are other work colleagues who were also surprised to be asked for the same reasons I was. She has told us that she has no budget for bridesmaid dresses and we can all wear our own dresses. It doesnt matter what colour and she doesnt need us to match. We also wont be standing at the altar with her. Just sitting up the front. Honestly the more I hear the more I think we are not really bridesmaids at all but i was happy to go along with it. Until now.

For various reasons I really dont want to go to this wedding anymore. If I was just a guest I would send apologises and let her know I can't go. BUT Im supposedly a bridesmaid so I feel obligated to go. Even though I haven't spoken to her since October. Her wedding is in February and I still have no details - time, place etc. The other bridesmaids dont either.

How do I get out of this without upsetting her? Do I have an emergency the day of? Or let her know in advance? In which case, what do i say?

Hi X I have alot of personal things going on at the moment. I wont bore you. But feel it best I withdraw from being a bridesmaid as things are up in the air. I do apologise but felt it best to let you know asap. I hope you have a wonderful day and I will be sure to drop off a little something I have for you both

What the previous poster said is perfect.

↑↑↑This.

If she's got 12 bridesmaids and they're all wearing their own dresses, she'll probably hardly even notice you're not there.

You're not a bridesmaid. Don't fret it.
Just apologise for your non attendance, no biggie.

I cancelled being maid of honour in my good friend’s wedding (she was my MOH) because my passport got stuck in the Home Office for 9 months. Shit happens.

I mean, if it was me, I’d really want to go simply because this wedding sounds bonkers and I’d like to see how it all goes down on the day.

But if you really don’t want to go, you pester her for details until she gives them up. Do you even know the date and location? When the details come through eventually, you aren’t available on that day. Or have no transport to that location. Done.

Just say you can't make it now.

The end.

We know the date, thats it.

She said everything's booked and she'll send us the details but still nothing. I really dont know why she cant just put it on the WhatsApp group.

I really like this, thank you.

Shes a lovely girl and I dont want to upset her.

Why can’t you still go as a guest but not as bridesmaid?

I would be more direct in your message and put something like:
Hi X I’m really sorry but my circumstances are changed and I won’t be able to attend your wedding anymore. I hope you’ll get a wonderful day celebrating…

I dont want to go to the wedding at all. Nothing to do with her. As I said shes lovely, which is why I dont want to let her down. But for other reasons I just dont want to go.

If I was 1 of 3/4 bridesmaids I'd suck it up and go but with 12 bridesmaids and no real plan for us, im sceptical as to if im really a bridesmaid at all?

Maybe im over thinking it, as I worry about upsetting her but at the same time I dont think I'll be seeing her again after the wedding. So maybe she wouldn't really care if I didnt go.

I like this response too.

I was trying to think of some excuse like a sick relative or emergency of some sort. However, I think a message like this, well ahead of time without elaborating is better. We have some mutual friends and i dont want to get caught up in lies.

My first thought was that she’d asked so many of you so she can post some great social media photos. Call me a cynic! But it is a bit strange to ask someone that you’re not really very close to.

Anyway, at least you’ve now got the basics of a message to send to her. Best to do it quickly and if she has already paid for meals, you could offer to reimburse those.

Being a bridesmaid is my idea of hell and I have declined several invitations without elaborate explanations. Only ever attended two actual weddings and one was my sister. She did not ask me to be a bridesmaid.

by the way I would stick to the the same explanation to everyone including mutual friends, otherwise they might repeat your words to bride to be ( I learned this lesson by hard way ☹️)

Yep that sounds good. Or just say that owing to family engagement I regret thst zI sm not able to come, Im so. Please can I javd a copy of your wedding list! That should do it. Sounds an odd arrangement anyway.

Bail first. Because the longer you leave it, more " bridesmaids" will back out and then you'll feel worse for not going.
Do it tonight, get it over with and then you won't have to worry about it again.