Fed up feels like I will be alone forever now

[DevilsCake]

I am so fed up of being single.
I’ve spent a decade on my own. The first 5 years I wasn’t bothered and actually enjoyed it but now it’s starting to feel like maybe I’m never going to find someone. That I’ll always be the one watching everyone else find that special person while I’m standing on the outside.
It’s hitting even harder the older I’m getting and the longer ive been single starting to feel like I’m being left on the shelf.

Please don’t tell me to “love myself” more or enjoy being single, I’ve done that. I know who I am, I know my worth I know platonic love and loving myself but none of that replaces romantic love, not to me anyway, I am just fed up of being single and I’m looking for some words of advice, or at least someone who understands what this kind of loneliness feels like. I am starting to feel like I will never meet anyone and maybe that’s it for me now and I will be alone forever, has anyone ever felt this way? Any words of wisdom?

How old are you OP? Do you have children? How are you currently trying to meet people?

Can I ask how much effort you are making to find someone? What steps are you taking to meet new people? Are you using dating apps for example?

People are often full of platitudes or contradictory statements when faced with someone making comments such as yours - “don’t worry, you’ll meet someone”, “you’ll find someone when you least expect it”, “when you stop looking is when it will happen”, “you need to put yourself out there more”, “why don’t you start a hobby/join a group/meet people in real life” - when you ask them how they met their own husband or partner it is usually through friends, on a night out or at work (none of the things they’ve said to do/will happen).

You don’t say what you’ve done to try and change your single status. From my experience dating apps are a necessary evil unless you have a wide social circle to call upon. Meeting organically feels very rare nowadays however much it is seen as the preferred option.

I dated a lot before I met my DH, it was hard work and a slog sometimes and yes, I often felt like it wouldn’t happen for me and in turn, the other thing I wanted desperately - children - would not because whilst you can go it alone that requires money and a great support network neither of which I had in abundance.

I can’t lie and say don’t worry, it’ll happen because I don’t know that to be the case, but if you share more details of what you’ve tried I could provide a steer on maybe where to focus more time/energy.

Are you dating?

I was hoping to "just meet someone" but that's not happened in the last few years, I think there are fewer opportunities to meet people these days, and nice men are more concerned about overstepping/ misreading so don't pursue, plus there's a smaller proportion of single people as you get older.

However, I have had plenty of dates and a couple of short relationships from speed dating and online dating. It seems like it's a bit of a necessary evil these days.

Yes I’m online dating but all the man I am speaking to seem to only want one thing. I’m 37

OP I hear you. With the 'only want one thing' - I was very upfront with any potential matches - I would confirm with them that I do not give any form of physical intimacy for the first three months - chancers unmatch quickly and that freed my time up for ones who were looking for something more than hook ups. I'd also arrange a coffee date very quickly, to see if there was something there in person.

I also re-wrote my dating bio, happy to review yours if you'd like - PM me if you'd prefer.

I know how you feel. I’m in a similar situation- single 6 years and now really want to meet someone but not having much luck. I’ve been hammering the apps this week too as wanted to just have some fun and date but only really got chatting to one person so only
one date lined up! The apps are very dry at the minute. I don’t know what the answer is unfortunately 😔

If a man tries to turn things sexual very early on, that's an instant rejection from me. You have to weed them out unfortunately, there are a lot of people on the sites trying their luck. It might be worth checking that your profile isn't too flirtatious, something more neutral might attract more serious men.

I don't go as far as tigeresslearns because I'd prefer to test the physical side a little earlier myself, but anyone who tries to push boundaries gets ditched.

I have a few friends in a similar position and I agree it sucks. There is a definite feel of there being fewer suitable men around, or perhaps just the world has changed and they are harder to find. Online dating doesn't feel very helpful as it's where all the unsuitable men are.

Frustratingly my husband also knows various men (nice decent ones, not online idiots) who fall into this category so it really does feel like something has gone wrong with how men and women find each other.

I don't know what the solution is except that if this is important to you don't give up. There's a balance between being prepared to live a life that is different to what you'd hoped for (which we must all be prepared to do in various ways because life is messy and unexpected), and not giving up on your dreams. Thirty seven is still a good age with lots of forever left so be hopeful. Sorry there's nothing substantial there in terms of advice but I'm rooting for you!

Sp you’ve spent a decade on your own actively trying to date but unsuccessfully - no dates at all?? Or some dates, but rubbish and went nowhere?

I am not surprised you are fed up

OP look up the Burned Haystack dating method. Such a game changer.

Not surprised you are fed up, the dating scene is tough. My only advice is you're still relatively young enough to meet decent men with no ties so I'd keep with the apps, keep accepting invites even if your heart isn't in it. My best friend met her husband at your age. Her approach was doing apps, joining meetup groups, pub quiz stuff, and finding a single friend who was her wing woman. She went on about 3 dates a week for 5 years. Met her husband on one site. She treated it like a project.

I found the older you get, the more likely you are to meet men who have more baggage, kids, dysfunctional relationships etc. My recent dates were separated but went back to his wife, one had too much life trauma to date, one I dated for a year but decided he wanted someone without kids etc. So my advice is your pool is bigger now so take advantage and throw yourself into it. There is a place for men who do the sex talk early as my friend loves all that but none of her dates ever want more. So if its not your thing, then delete and move on.