How much do you love your partner?

[GeneralCaptain]

Just that really.

I have BPD so I feel everything extremely strongly, especially in relationships. I’m currently having therapy to help me regulate my emotions and it’s only recently my therapist has said to me that not everyone loves in the same way as me. I find it extremely consuming. We are completely co dependant and I am trying to take steps to move away from that dynamic as I know it’s not the healthiest.

So I was wondering if you could explain to me if you are ‘normal’ person how much you love your partner and how that feels for you?

I love my DH massively; I hope and expect our marriage to last forever (married 4 yrs, together 8). I feel so grateful that he is mine.

However, we are not co-dependent at all. If he were to leave me, I would be perfectly fine. I have strong relationships with friends and family. I socialise both with him and without him. I am still my own person.

A little more every day and we have been together for 37 years. We are not, however, co-dependent and function as independent humans, professionally and socially although of course take care of each other and have shared friends and interests.

I love him and he feels like a big comfort blanket to me. We met after my exH and I separated. It’s a very different relationship to my marriage (which wasn’t awful, just different and less stable).

Whilst I do love my OH and would much rather he was in my life, I know for certain I’d also be fine alone and that (I believe) is a very important contributing factor to a good relationship.

Very, very much. Been together nearly 37 years, married 33. I fully expect us to spend the rest of our lives together. We prioritise each other and try to make the other happy. We’ve worked through lots of ups and a few downs and have learned that real love is firm, determined and sometimes more steadfast than romantic. Sometimes it’s euphoric, mostly it’s nicely mundane. We have spent practically all of our adult lives as a couple (we were 18/19 when we got together) and so we’ve done all of our milestones together. However, we’ve both got careers that bring us fulfilment and colleagues who we socialise with separately; we have friends in common and friends who are personal to us; we have interests in common and interests that we pursue on our own; we have different areas of expertise when it comes to running a home together and we get on with those things according to our own timetable. Having time together and time apart helps to keep the relationship fresh.

When we were first together (and during several seasons since) I’ve had that deep, intense feeling of love, but it’s not sustainable
long term, and it’s not a measure of real love anyway. Real love has many facets and love that endures needs to be able to weather ordinariness as well as ups and downs.

I can’t really put into words, it’s just a strong feeling. He’s a huge part of me and vice versa. Been together 38 years. Whilst we like doing things together and have shared interests, and friends we respect each other as individuals which is important.

I absolutelyy ADORE him.

He treats me like a Queen.

I don't think codependency can be described as love because it's so unhealthy. Love is a good, healthy emotion. Obsession to the point of codependency is not.

That said, I love my husband endlessly. He's my person, it's difficult to put into words how it feels.

18 years together. I'd describe it as life just feels better with him in it than not! I function better with him than not. There's no drama or stress. He's my biggest champion and I, his.

However we have quite independent lives. He works away x 4 days/3 nights every week. We have separate interests and friends but love doing things together.

I think it's healthy to be your own person but you each bring something to the relationship that is then stronger with both of you in it than not.

Infatuation is not healthy neither is seeing the other person as your whole world in my opinion.

This, though only 36 here 😁

Can’t imagine life without him.

When i first got with my husband he was my first new partner since my abusive ex. ( I was also miss diagnosed as bpd during my relationship with him) I'd put up walls that blocked people a long time and he was patient,extremely so. After about 2 years I went into what I'd describe as dependent on him I loved him alot but I was also in a state of panic about losing him in anyway, there was also some big arguments back then through me just being stressed with the relationship and confused at being loved healthily for the first time ( he would encourage me to go out socialising, learning, new skills, paying for nice treats for me, noticing if my mood was off ect) . We are now 7 years in and I can definitely say I love him more deep then I did back then, there is calm in it now though,no more anxieties, no more giant swings of me wanting to run before he hurts me then hoping he doesn't leave have no worries about him leaving or dying suddenly but I know that if he did i would be okay it feels alot better this way 😀

This. We've been together since 1992 and it's a strong, happy partnership, and we've been together since our student days, so in many ways grew up together. But we never cramped one another's lives then or now. We both have separate, independent social and professional lives in a way which is important to us both, and also good for the relationship. I used to spend six months a year overseas for work, now that we have DS I don't, as it wasn't sustainable. DH now travels far more than he used to, so we're used to spending time apart, too. Which I also think is good, as it makes us more appreciative when we're together.

ETA My life is bigger because of him -- that seems to me the key/ To choose what grows you rather than what shrinks or constricts you.

I love Dh in like an I appreciate what a great person he is and think he’s lovely and fun to be around. And I am fiercely protective of him.

But it’s definitely not all consuming. It’s a bit like he is my favourite jumper and I love that jumper and i wouldn’t lend it to anyone or I’d tell them off if they said anything negative about it. But I don’t really think of it day to day. The jumper is just there. I love it and never would want to lose it. But I’m not obsessed with it.

Like we can go away for a week or so traveling separately and I’d always check it, but I wouldn’t really think to message Dh much, unless I saw something I wanted to send him a photo of, or I wanted to remind him to do something. I do worry that he’s made it back to the hotel safely if he’s away, as he’s a bit of idiot and naive, so I always worry about him getting in a dodgy taxi or something. 😂 But I don’t otherwise really think about what he’s up to. I figure he’ll let me know when he’s headed home, unless we have updates about the dc.

Day to day, he a little bit gets on my nerves. 😂 Like I love him the way you’d love a dog who always tracks muddy paws prints everywhere. He is wonderful and I always want to live with him. But I wish he was tidier and didn’t leave his shit everywhere. So day to day, I often feel more annoyed than in love with him! Even though I know I do fundamentally love him.

In my first marriage, I was very mixed up and came from a very co-dependent traumatised family and I thought that love was about how much I could meet the other person's needs and minimise my own (of course I did not realise this at the time!) and because of my background I was really fucking excellent at it. I thought that my obsession with doing that was me being good at love/relationship/marriage. My ex-H took total advantage of that and it was almost like I didn't actually exist. As I started to identify these patterns, the marriage fell apart (thankfully!).

Many years and a lot of therapy later, it's nothing like that with my DP. I love him and he sees me as I am, the good and bad bits. I don't worry that I am not meeting expectations or standards. We are really different personality wise too. When we argue, I know it's just an argument, not the end of the world. It's just easier and less guarded. More loving, less transactional. More ease, less anticipating.

Very much. He is my best friend, my team mate, and my forever person.

We have a difficult life, but it’s ours, and there’s nobody else I’d rather share this shitshow with.

We’re not co-dependent, have different friends and hobbies, and make time for our families both together and as individuals.

He’ll be my second husband (we’re engaged 😂) and I know for sure that we both would be very sad but manage without one another, because we both have lived independent lives after our first marriages.

Second marriage for both of us and I love him to bits. We have had some tough times but he never lets me down, is always my biggest supporter and told me the other day he adores me. Together 8 years and married for 5.

I enjoy my partner’s sense of humour. I feel affectionate towards him. I think he is very clever and creative, and I admire that. He loves animals, and is kind to people.

Sometimes he irritates the shit out of me, and vice versa.

I like it when he goes away and I can have the house to myself!

He is a wonderful and creative parent to our DC.

We have separate social lives - he is a homebody with obsessive hobbies whereas I like to socialise whenever I can.

I do not feel any kind of overwhelming passion towards him. I did in the very early stages, but that’s a long time ago now. He’d say the same about me.

I could live without him (though I’d have less money), and he could live without me (in a state of total administrative chaos) but we provide one another with a sense of companionship and stability and loose togetherness.

Nothing about our relationship is intense at all.

More than anything. It’s not totally all consuming, we’re still independent beings! But I still get butterflies when I know he’s on his way home from work, he’s still my favourite person, I still prefer spending time with him over everyone else and we have been together eighteen years. It’s not always fireworks and sparks, sometimes it’s just really very nice. We have friends, hobbies and lives outside of each other, but we get to come home to one another after we have done those things and that’s what matters.

Hmmm ....I think I might be somewhere between normal and you, OP.
We're not codependent, we definitely have our own lives - actually currently my job has me away in a different British isle!

But when we did break up for a short while I was absolutely heartbroken. I ostensibly functioned normally but I was thinking about him literally non stop. I literally felt non stop physical pain in my chest.

We've been together years but I'm definitely still in very strong limerence with him, in terms being as attracted to him as ever.

I could go on and on...

Thank you so much for your detailed responses.

It’s interesting to hear that everyone loves in a different way. I’ve never really thought of it as toxic as my husband and I are both the same, although I do worry he is only the way he is because I’ve made him that way. My husband adds to my life and I want to spend as much time with him as possible.

We didn’t even spend the night of our wedding apart because we’ve literally never spent a night away from each other. We have friends and we both spend one on one time alone with them although I much prefer doing couples actives. I have a job and I see my family and my friends without him so do get happiness from other things and people that aren’t him but nothing is comparable to the love I feel for him or my want to be near him. It doesn’t help we both work from home so unless we see friends separately we are together pretty much 24/7.

I know it isn’t healthy to feel this way consumed about someone but I guess as I’ve never sat down and detailed it to someone I didn’t realise how many people didn’t feel that way.

I love him, I don't want to be without him, I look forward to him coming home after work etc but it doesn't consume me, I don't sit here thinking about how much I love him but I do want to do nice things for him like get him a treat or a little present, generally I try to make his days a bit nicer but If he left me it wouldn't break me and I'd be fine.

I’m only 10 months in and it’s full-blown limerence. I want to see him all the time. I’m sure it will settle. I’m very independent and, with one exception, I have generally bounced back from relationship failures quite well.

Why do you think the way you love is “toxic”? Who decides what healthy love looks like? If it works for you both and you’re happy, then crack on.

Although we are not codependent I’m convinced that nobody ever loved anyone the way I love DH. Obviously I know this can’t actually be true but that’s how I feel. I think he’s the most wonderful person to ever walk this planet. He seems to think I’m ok too 😉

Together 35 years, married 31. Love him to bits. Can’t imagine doing life with anyone else. We’ve had a truly shit year & he’s been my absolute rock.