How to get a thicker skin for online dating!

[weekendglows]

I need some advice on how to navigate the waters of online dating and get a thicker skin! In an ideal world I’d take time to work on myself and not really be attempting to date right now however I’m edging towards mid 30’s, want children and time isn’t on my side!

I’m fine with being ghosted on an app, I don’t mind first dates not going anywhere, what I struggle with is when you go on more than 1 date then all of a sudden they go cold and do the classic “slow fade” rather than just saying look this isn’t working for me despite originally being so keen. I know it shouldn’t bother me but it stings, I think because I wouldn’t treat someone like that!

For instance, I went on a second date with a guy last Saturday. It went well and he asked for a third date which I accepted. He booked a restaurant on Sunday morning for this weekend that I’d mentioned I really wanted to try and we confirmed a time all good. We had been messaging every day for the last month and his messages were long, responsive, asking questions etc… then on Wednesday he barely responded didn’t ask anything and I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday. I can tell the vibe has changed so I know he’s losing interest and probably has a better offer but instead of just saying that we’re just going down this route which is annoying when we’d made plans for this Saturday which I’m now working on the assumption aren’t going ahead.

I know I barely know him etc… but I think it’s the lack of respect that upsets me if that makes sense!

The things that helped me were to keep in mind:

1. No man is "real" until he's your boyfriend. It's all just an illusion until it's exclusive.

1. Your future husband wouldn't go cold or ghost you. Therefore, this person is not your future husband, and thank goodness he's freeing you up to meet your real future DH!

Sorry to be blunt by my mantra when online dating was ‘they’re all shits until then prove otherwise’. I wouldn’t give second chances if they’d slow faded & then come back, for example.
Also, know your worth - feel happy to be single and that a man would be a nice addition, not a requirement.

Another thing to bear in mind is that around a quarter of all the people you chat to on dating sites are married looking for a bit on the side.

Take it with a pinch of salt, enjoy your life and as has been said above, they're only the real deal when they prove they are.

What helped me to avoid becoming attached is to think of them as strangers. Remain as detached as possible. They’re not potential partners until they’ve put the effort in to show they’re interested. You need to do this as well, it works both ways.

You’re screening them for suitability as much as they are you. If they slow fade they’re not suitable. When someone is interested you really know.

So assume it’s nothing until it becomes something. Well after date 3.
Also get out in real life and meet people if you can.

No answer is also an answer. When a man likes and he is serious and able to move forward with you he won't play games or go cold he will be consistent so when you see this behaviour block them and take it as a no, the slow fade is a no. The disappearance, is a no. Don't text a lot and keep it superficial in texts don't share emotional and private things it builds fake intimacy.

I would avoid "messaging every day" for a month. This sets up a false sense of connection with a strange man, and they know it. Try to say something like, "at first I use messaging just to make arrangements for dates, would rather chat in person." Then go about your day. Men who resist it are just bread crumbing a supply of women for their egos. Don't be one of those. Any man who is serious about finding a partner will be happy to engage IRL and use the apps for organising dates only. Couples who are actually in a relationship talk every day (some do and some don't even). These men are strangers, so treat them like they are by not letting them into your house every day (via your app).

To 'develop a tougher skin' is the realisation that attraction can be a cruel and vicious thing. Rarely is attraction exactly the same between 2 people and it fluctuates. He may be losing interest this month (potentially someone new is messaging him and its that intitial spark that has him... or he could just be really stressed about something and isn't sharing it), you may lose interest next month if the daily messaging was to continue but devolve into routine boring chats like "how was your day?" every day. Everyone experiences this. Men drift away on women, women drift away on men. We all want what we want and you can't make someone want you. If he is losing interest then let it be, focus on you and what makes you happy. Don't rely on his attentiveness to be your source of happiness (very easy to do). And at this stage, don't invest all your eggs in one basket, unless you are sure its a done deal.