Partner’s nervousness before moving in and having a baby

[firsttimepregnanthelp]

I have (35f) have been with my bf (40) for just under a year - it is our anniversary next week. Early on we discussed what we wanted out of life - kids etc - and both said we wanted them although he did say he felt like time was running out for him a bit. I was under reproductive medicine for infertility and knew I’d need treatment when the time was right for a baby but I unexpectedly fell pregnant in August when we had only been together for 8 months. He has been so supportive , coming to scans (I have had a few), making sure I am eating and sleeping well and reassuring me when I have been anxious, which has been quite a lot of the time.

We have had an honest conversation about what life will be like when baby arrives and he admitted to feeling nervous about how life will change as he has spent 40 years pleasing himself - lying in, travelling, doing what he wants when he wants etc. We will move in together and he has never lived with anyone before (I only lived with my previous bf for four months) and he feels nervous that we don’t have that established pattern of having lived together before the stresses of having a baby. He said he knew he wasn’t telling me why I wanted to hear but that he wanted to be honest with me and that he will do his best for me and baby. I remember having a conversation with him about couples living together months and months ago and he admitted then that it was something he found daunting as he wouldn’t want something to go wrong and for the relationship to end. He is quite a deep thinker whereas I take a more optimistic stance that we will get through it together.

should I be worried or is it normal for men to feel apprehensive about the life changes a baby brings?

Completely normal

I’m not surprised he’d feel apprehensive about what was to come given new partner / new baby / moving in together etc. It’s a lot.

He sounds nice and thoughtful rather than mean however?

I would be worried. It would be a massive red flag for me, a man who has reached rhe age of 40 without EVER living with someone.

@MidnightPatrolyes absolutely not mean and maybe too thoughtful!

@TheLittleMermoohe said he never met the right 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am the longest relationship he’s had in over 10 years but he is a good boyfriend to me. I am not worried about his relationship history or lack thereof, more his trepidation and worry

The trepidation from him is that he's managed to avoid this for 40 years and now it's happening.

I would be very surprised if he moves in and doesn't just get cold feet.

He should be reassuring you not making you worry.

This is a lot for both of you to take in and you both need to take things slowly.
Is he working?. Are you working currently?. If so will you return to work going forward?.

I would seriously consider giving this child your surname rather than his going forward.

Well whatever his reasons, not having lived with anyone before means he has never had to compromise on anything, adjust to anyone's routines, show consideration for anyone other than himself. That doesnt mean he isnt capable of it, but its a little concerning that not only will he be learning to do all this with another person for the first time, there will also be a baby.

Its even more concerning that in 22 years of being an adult, he has never had a relationship last a year.

I would be very nervous about a man moving in so quickly just because you're pregnant.

I’d be extremely nervous about this whole situation. Very.

I think all fairly normal concerns about how life will change when a baby arrives.

However you have been together for such a short, so he is right to point out you dont really have an established life together so can see why he is worried.

I’m so sorry but this spells disaster from me…and I speak as some who was living with someone for only 2 months before I got pregnant.
The baby came, and we faltered on for a few years, but ultimately split up.
We hadn’t even got used to living together, and baby put SO much pressure on the relationship.
One positive is that 20 years on, we do co-parent really well.
Good luck!

He’s been honest with you. You need to lay down some ground rules together to try and make things smoother for both of you. What expectations are around cleaning / cooking/ levels of tidiness etc. try and thrash it out now. You will both have to put the effort in and he doesn’t get to leave you with the baby!

Perfectly natural to feel nervous. A lot has happened in a short time - new baby, new living situation.

@AttilaTheMeerkatyes we both work and obvs he will be contributing to the child. I will return to work after mat leave.

@TheLittleMermoohe owns his own house but has lived with his dad for 2 years as his cater after he became disabled following a car crash so he does know how to compromise etc. he had a 2 year relationship in his late 20s but mostly enjoyed the single life from what I can tell and most of his social circle is the same - only one of his friends is married.

I don't think I'd have him move in at all yet. That's just my instinctive take on it. Too much happening and could be road to friction and upset for everyone.

Is there an absolute need for him to live with you right now (apart from baby that is)? Maybe take things a bit slower, have him stay the weekends at first, then gradually increase the time spent living together. I presume he has his own flat/house and works during the week anyway?

Just a few thoughts.

I think a huge plus here is that he’s communicating with you and being honest about how he feels, there’s people in 15 year relationships that still haven’t mastered that. Both of you need to keep doing that, it’s a big advantage when it comes to facing challenges together

congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes well for you x

@soocoolapart from baby, no. I have even suggested that when he is back at work he should have a few nights away from my house a week there’s no point him being woken in the night as I intend to breastfeed so I’ll be the one getting up with the baby anyway. Thanks for your thoughts, you may well be right - too much change at once and luckily my mum is around to help.

@cheerfulafthanks so much. It can be hard to hear but I suppose better than someone who tells me what I want to hear but doesn’t mean it

He's being honest which is good. But by rights you should both be apprehensive, I think you're being a bit overly optimistic / head in the sand. That's so quick to be moving in and having a baby. Our marriage and our mental health has taken an absolute battering since having a baby last year, and we'd been together 13 years. It will up-end your life in a way you cannot fathom. I wouldn't be having him fully move in yet, take that part slower so you can adjust.

Everyone’s a bit apprehensive about a baby, it’s the biggest change you’ll ever experience. I was pretty nervy when pregnant with my second and I’d been married for years and had already had a baby. I’m surprised you’re not more thoughtful having a baby in such a new relationship with someone you don’t know that well and don’t live with. That seems more unusual than his feelings.

Did he really want a baby? Why were you being treated for infertility if you weren’t ttc? Maybe I’ve missed something.

Keep talking, maintain your financial independence, see how things go. That’s all you can do.

@Peonies12i probably am a bit head in the sand - for a long time I thought pregnancy might not be possible for me so the fact that it has happened spontaneously feels like a blessing and I suppose I am focusing on that rather than the realities of sleepless nights etc

@AnneLovesGilbertwell he has been supportive so far and I am hopeful we can learn and grow together. I was under a reproductive medicine unit because I knew I had fertility issues and was getting advice about what I’d need to do when the time came to TTC - I had a consultation in April and my next appointment wasn’t tik November. These things can take so long and time wasn’t on my side due to my age so I thought I’d get the ball rolling and at least be well informed about my options. His drive for a baby isn’t as strong as mine but he does say that family is important and he was beginning to wonder what the purpose of his life would be were he not to have children. Even though our baby wasn’t planned he said he sees it as a blessing

Nah! Sounds like he’s lining it up to be useless to be honest. Make sure you don’t become reliant on him. In the best scenario, he is just trying to be honest and he’ll become a good dad and partner. In the worst case scenario, he’ll bugger off completely and leave you in the lurch because “it’s all too much”.

My DD1 was conceived and born before DH and I had been together a year. He was understandably anxious about it all (so was I) but he pulled his finger out and grew up immediately.

@BeingATwatItsABingThinghes not shying away from these conversations and has thought about what life will look like when baby is here eg where we will live. Do you have any tips for managing with a baby as a new couple?

Acknowledge that life won’t be the same again and be very clear about expectations of each other. Accept that life will change drastically once the baby is here - joint lie ins really aren’t a thing, it takes longer to get out of the house and doing your own thing exactly when you want just isn’t possible if you’re both actively parenting.

Travelling includes a child too. Babies are portable but come with a lot of stuff. Toddlers are portable but come with a lot of stuff and need entertainment. Children need entertainment and you’re restricted to school holidays…

If you’re both accepting of this and put in the effort to be an equal parent to the baby, then it will work out fine. So many men (and it is usually men) are not willing to give up the life they had before and that will damage any relationship no matter how long you’ve been together.

Communication is absolutely paramount, talk about things, no one is a mind reader even if you think they should be, and no one-upmanship I’m more tired than you bollocks, from either of you. It’s the fastest way to get into a fight. Also and this may sound minor but make clear that you’re allowed to get annoyed/upset with each other but personal insults are off the table and never to be used. I speak from 26 years together and whilst there have been hard times we do not insult each other when we’re mad, as we’ve got older the odd fuck off has slipped in I will admit on both our parts but we do not and never have insulted each other. Talking to each other is key.

Something that worked for me was telling myself that I couldn’t make a decision until I’d slept. I used it to keep me going with BFing DS but it worked for other things too. Every time I wanted to give up on something that felt too hard, I told myself to reassess after I had napped. I could always see it from a much better light when I wasn’t exhausted.

Sometimes I wanted to hurl things at my DH but I knew that was the exhaustion talking.