Friendship breakdown

[Emmaheather]

I'm looking for some perspectives to help me make sense of a breakdown in a friendship.

A friend from teenage years ended up in a very abusive relationship. I was not aware of this at the time and, after the birth of my first child, I decided to distance myself from her. I felt she didn't have the emotional or practical space for our friendship and I felt quite hurt by her. For example, she arrived two hours late to visit me after I'd had my baby (not an easy delivery), didn't call to let me know and turned up with her children when I'd asked her to come alone as I was feeling pretty battered. Her gift was 3 of a 5 part baby clothing set. This is the situation that really stuck with me but it always felt like it was only possible to see her when it suited her and I didn't feel valued. There were also misogynistic comments (e.g. about women's dress and size) and her husband drove my car without asking one occasion. At that time I didn't feel resilient enough to cope with it all.

We reconnected a couple of years ago and have had some nice times together. She told me a lot about how awful her experience with her ex had been. She recently asked me why I distanced myself from her and I told her some of the above. I was a bit emotional at the time. She's been very cold with me since and says the dynamic between us has inevitably changed and doesn't want to talk about it.

I feel bad I wasn't there for her but she did a great job of hiding the abuse she was experiencing and making out she was happily married. I don't know what else I could have done at the time and am surprised my answer wasn't what she was expecting.

I'm feeling pretty hurt and confused by the whole situation. Can you help me make sense of it?

'Her gift was 3 of a 5 part baby clothing set.'

I doubt I would have noticed, remembered or mentioned this ever - especially with the context that you now have about the relationship she was in at that time.

I didn't mention this to her.

How come it’s taken so long for her to ask you why you withdrew for a time?
When she says she doesn’t want to talk about it, is she still talking to you? Are you still friends?x

It all sounds like very hard work and I’m not sure I’d have the headspace for it either. Friendships are sometimes complicated but it shouldn’t be this much effort. She asked a question and you told her straight. FWIW the gift wouldn’t have bothered me but ignoring my requests and turning up late would have because you need people to respect your boundaries when you’re vulnerable. It sounds like she’s had a lot going on but I don’t think you need to beg and apologise for her friendship. Just let it fade away naturally if that’s what you want.

I don't know why it's taken so long. I thought we were leaving the past in the past and I didn't feel the need to discuss it.
She hasn't responded to my last message and the one before just said things had changed and she didn't think it would be helpful to discuss it further. I've had several sleepless nights and don't know what to do or how to make sense of it. I don't want to pressure her and maybe what I said has stirred things up for her. I find it difficult to understand why what I said seems to have come as a surprise.

Thanks. That's helpful. We generally get on well and have had some nice times together but it feels impossible to navigate ATM. It seems she can't understand why I set a boundary at that time. Letting it fade is probably what I need to do.

Oh that’s a shame. I’ve been going through a friendship issue and it hurts when your texts go unanswered.
Could you ask to meet in person to discuss it. It’s alright her saying she doesn’t want to talk about it, but she’s obviously afftected by it, so hopefully you can both have a chat to try to resolve it.
Easier said than done when one person isn’t engaging in trying to sort the issues out x

Fair enough on the baby clothes thing but one of those things you listed as (one of) the reasons for distancing yourself at the time has obviously upset her.

'For example, she arrived two hours late to visit me after I'd had my baby'

^ was this mentioned?

The only way you are going to find out is to ask her.

Given the context, I wouldn't have gone into specifics personally but just said something general.

I was in quite a mess still recovering from a difficult delivery with a two degree tear. My parents who were staying had gone out to give us time to catch up as my house was small. I think turning up 2 hours late without calling in these circumstances was pretty rude, especially as it was part of a pattern of things being on her schedule. She asked why I felt the need to distance myself so I told her. I thought it's helpful to give specific examples when trying to explain but I guess that might be harder to hear or come across as picky.

She's said she doesn't want to talk about it so I don't think she's going to tell me 😕 and I'm trying to work out if I've done something terrible because I don't think I have but am worried I might have

Oh gosh. I’m sure you haven’t done anything terrible op.
Maybe give it a bit of time, then see if she comes to you. I’m not good at that. So it never works out well fir me 😌