Mom going through menopause any advice?

TempleOfShrooms · 2025-12-04T15:27:19+00:00

As the title says, my moms going through the menopause and I need some advice. For context I still live at home. She's having quite bad mood swings, almost everyday I am being told off/scoulded for things. She'll tell me off for things she THINKS I've done, later realising it was actually her. Telling me off as soon as I walk in from work, being accused of using her things when I haven't etc. I'm feeling quite exhausted. Any suggestions on how to tackle this gently?

Sillysoggyspaniel · 04/12/2025 15:31

Can you move out?

Dogmum1983 · 04/12/2025 15:33

How old is she ?

ClearlyNoIdea · 04/12/2025 15:35

First thing you need to remember is that she can't help it. The amount of shit that comes out a peri menopausal woman's mouth can be unreal and even though the majority of the time she knows she is being unfair it's kinda out of her control.

Has she been to see her doc?
Is she on HRT?
Have you tried talking to her and asking her if there is anything you can do help her? It might be as simple as making her a cup of tea or making the dinner for her or hoovering without being asked.

Beekman · 04/12/2025 15:39

Have you spoken to your mom about it? She might appreciate a bit of concern. As someone who is going through this right now, I do my best to talk to DH and adult kids about it and how I am feeling. I guess I am lucky I can.

Reach out to her and offer your help on practical stuff that will really lift the load off your mom. Some days I am just overwhelmed by everything and someone else putting a load of washing on or cooking a meal really, really helps. And never forget the power of a cup of tea.

Original poster

TempleOfShrooms · 04/12/2025 18:29

I do what I can like making dinner. I'm in the office 5 days a week and my mom is self employed so naturally home more so does more of the laundry. She's not on HRT because she has high blood pressure but won't take her prescribed blood pressure medication. She is 47

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Ghostsghoulsteenagers · 04/12/2025 18:32

My mum was horrific during the menopause so I tried very hard to keep it under control for my own DC - I just stayed out of her way and moved out at 18 to go to uni . I don’t agree that she can’t help it - if she realises later she’s had a go at you for something she’s done - then she does have awareness of what she’s doing . Talk to her - but pick your moment

Original poster

TempleOfShrooms · 04/12/2025 18:36

Ghostsghoulsteenagers · 04/12/2025 18:32

My mum was horrific during the menopause so I tried very hard to keep it under control for my own DC - I just stayed out of her way and moved out at 18 to go to uni . I don’t agree that she can’t help it - if she realises later she’s had a go at you for something she’s done - then she does have awareness of what she’s doing . Talk to her - but pick your moment

I don't even know when the right moment is. I asked her a simple question yesterday: should we put the tree up today? As we'd been putting it off for about a week and she just snapped at me. If I can't ask a simple question I'm not really sure how to approach this subject

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onlymethen · 04/12/2025 18:42

I’d say as someone who had a mum with really bad menopausal symptoms, stay calm they can’t help themselves.
I worried for years d be the same but actually sailed through my menopausal symptoms apart from a few months of hot sweat. I’ve told my 20 year old daughter about both her grandmothers symptoms and mine as I want her to be aware.
Its a horrible experience for some women and be sympathetic to your mum, she really doesn’t want to be that person but has little control unless goes for HRT and that only helps some women.

user1471453601 · 04/12/2025 18:57

You could do worse than read Caitlin Morans book about the menopause.

A close relative of mine is going through it. They were telling me the other day that they get times where they are, and know they are, angry about nothing in particular. They try hard not to act on it. But sometimes it just slips out.

On more positive note they intervened in the early hours when a young girl was being raped. Relative got a commendation from the judge during the trial who called her brave. Her contention is she was menopausal not brave.

ChronicallyConfusedOnEarth · 05/12/2025 15:38

I don’t know what the answer is but as someone who was on the receiving end of my mother’s extremely angry outbursts, I know how stressful it can be and it’s all good and well people telling you that you need to remember she can’t help it, it does not reduce the MH impact on those who have to walk on egg shells. Not being able to help it may be valid but the behaviour of the person when they’ve calmed down and realised they’ve been an arsehole to you for reason is what tells the bigger picture for me.

My mother, even before peri was quick to anger and rarely took accountability for it, her menopause what’s just a more extreme version of that and there was never a sorry, there was never any acknowledging of how hurtful she was, and in fact, she kicked me out at 19 because of a simple question like that. She’s put hands on me too and like your mum, she didn’t meds that she should be which made her physical health worse and her more angry. What is your mum usually like pre menopause?

Im in peri menopause now and cant have hrt, its HELLLLL but its my responsibility to do and try EVERYTHING I can to not be a cunt. Its not easy, its so so not easy and im thankful my husband is good at spotting when I maybe getting anger building up, he drives me to a field in the middle of nowhere and I get shout and scream at the sun/moon/fence and punch fuck out the fresh air. I isolate myself if I start to feel like I can’t help it. I do therapy, I do arts and crafts, I listen to music and books, anything and everything to attempt to not shout and scream at people I love and treat them like my mother treat me.

Anger and shouting is extremely out of character for me. It wasn’t for my mum and I think that’s that’s the difference sometimes, living with a narcissistic woman in unmediacated menopause is a whole different type of experience, there’s no calm moments to approach, you’re on eggshells and end up overthinking every little thing you. I was tok anxious to even cough before 10am in case I woke her, I’d be hyper vigilant to thugs she’d left laid around as I knew I’d get the blame and abuse for being lazy etc, and I’m not saying this your mum is this btw but something about the way you write about her makes me think this anger and not taking her usual meds isn’t out of character for her.

dairydebris · 05/12/2025 15:42

Shes probably sick of doing everything for everybody ( or I'm shamelessly projecting 😉 ) but seriously, she sounds like an awful housemate and this could go on for some time... I recommend moving out. Give her her space.

outerspacepotato · 05/12/2025 15:57

Move out.

There isn't a gentle way to tackle someone being so aggressive and unreasonable with you that she's making false accusations and on your back the minute you're off work daily.

I think an adult woman, unless there's severe mental illness going on, can control her mouth and her temper. Does she treat everyone else like that? Is this new behaviour?

You're her scapegoat to take things out on and it's not right. I'd leave her to it. She's not going to change. She won't even take her BP medicine, she's not going to do a thing about her physical and mental state possibly caused by menopause. Put on your oxygen mask and get yourself clear of her.

Original poster

TempleOfShrooms · 06/12/2025 21:07

I have been thinking for a while to move out. I've been trying to save money for a deposit so I'd have some sort of security for myself by having my own home but I realise I would probably end up staying at home for years and years longer if I wanted to be successful in that (and I don't have a partner to save with unfortunately). It does make me anxious because idk what she's going to be like. Back to the christmas tree example, my mom got angry when I didn't want to decorate the tree the moment she was ready so she took the tree out and set it up and told me to decorate it myself. I started decorating it myself then she got a bit upset that I was...decorating it by myself? (Sigh)

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Original poster

TempleOfShrooms · 06/12/2025 21:14

ChronicallyConfusedOnEarth · 05/12/2025 15:38

I don’t know what the answer is but as someone who was on the receiving end of my mother’s extremely angry outbursts, I know how stressful it can be and it’s all good and well people telling you that you need to remember she can’t help it, it does not reduce the MH impact on those who have to walk on egg shells. Not being able to help it may be valid but the behaviour of the person when they’ve calmed down and realised they’ve been an arsehole to you for reason is what tells the bigger picture for me.

My mother, even before peri was quick to anger and rarely took accountability for it, her menopause what’s just a more extreme version of that and there was never a sorry, there was never any acknowledging of how hurtful she was, and in fact, she kicked me out at 19 because of a simple question like that. She’s put hands on me too and like your mum, she didn’t meds that she should be which made her physical health worse and her more angry. What is your mum usually like pre menopause?

Im in peri menopause now and cant have hrt, its HELLLLL but its my responsibility to do and try EVERYTHING I can to not be a cunt. Its not easy, its so so not easy and im thankful my husband is good at spotting when I maybe getting anger building up, he drives me to a field in the middle of nowhere and I get shout and scream at the sun/moon/fence and punch fuck out the fresh air. I isolate myself if I start to feel like I can’t help it. I do therapy, I do arts and crafts, I listen to music and books, anything and everything to attempt to not shout and scream at people I love and treat them like my mother treat me.

Anger and shouting is extremely out of character for me. It wasn’t for my mum and I think that’s that’s the difference sometimes, living with a narcissistic woman in unmediacated menopause is a whole different type of experience, there’s no calm moments to approach, you’re on eggshells and end up overthinking every little thing you. I was tok anxious to even cough before 10am in case I woke her, I’d be hyper vigilant to thugs she’d left laid around as I knew I’d get the blame and abuse for being lazy etc, and I’m not saying this your mum is this btw but something about the way you write about her makes me think this anger and not taking her usual meds isn’t out of character for her.

Pre menopause... I'd say she was similar then but her outbursts may have been less? She's always gotten angry e.g when I was a teen I used something from her room, admittedly there wasn't much left of said product so she got mad and threw the (glass) bottle at the door, making a hole. She's called me names, not been nice about my body in the past.

Today I was yelled at for eating the expensive branded tin of beans when it was in fact her that had eaten them

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Original poster

TempleOfShrooms · 06/12/2025 21:17

outerspacepotato · 05/12/2025 15:57

Move out.

There isn't a gentle way to tackle someone being so aggressive and unreasonable with you that she's making false accusations and on your back the minute you're off work daily.

I think an adult woman, unless there's severe mental illness going on, can control her mouth and her temper. Does she treat everyone else like that? Is this new behaviour?

You're her scapegoat to take things out on and it's not right. I'd leave her to it. She's not going to change. She won't even take her BP medicine, she's not going to do a thing about her physical and mental state possibly caused by menopause. Put on your oxygen mask and get yourself clear of her.

I don't have any siblings and my dad isn't around so it's only ever me that really experiences this. She has a partner but I can't comment on what she's like with him as I don't know. I would like to move out, I'm trying to save and progress in my career so I can actually survive

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Sunshineandgrapefruit · 07/12/2025 07:44

Are you sure it's menopause? I get the snappiness but not sure it impacts your short term memory like that....