how do you get out of a 'bad patch'

[IamwhoIsayIam]

I've been with my partner for 15 years and have a child together. We are both self-employed and work together on several different business projects, so our lives are inter-twinned at every point, even though we are also both independent and give each other space to do things separately when time allows.

We've got ourselves to a point where we are constantly falling out, some small things, some big things. One small thing is that I want a cleaner, and he doesn't. Or I moan a bit if he wants me to pick up lunch from the shop further away than the one I am going to, which is selfish. Everything blows up.

Big things are well, big. I turned up late by about 15 minutes for something he asked me to do because I was waiting for a friend. He complains I have time for everyone else but not him. Sex is a massive issue. But then he takes out his hurt on me and says things like 'I don't want to be with an old woman but no one younger would want me now'. Or when I brushed off a sexual advance ' well you can fck off then and I'll find someone who does want me'.

I don't want us to split up, but I can't stand the constant antagonism. We're neither of us grateful or appreciative of each other anymore.

It is a 'bad patch' I think, but I don't know at all how to move forward to get out of it.

Couples therapy or split up. Seriously once your main communication is like this, I’d think it’s probably over. A man that says that to me if I won’t have sex with him is not a man I want in my life honestly. I’m in the process of leaving my 2nd marriage for similar reasons. Life is too short.

In my view you have to take a multi pronged approaxh:

• open proper communication and have some really clear and frank conversations
• work out the root causes of your issues and don't just try and treat the symptoms
• do something together that you will both enjoy
• couples therapy
• make it clear what behaviour you absolutely will not tolerate and expect those things to be respected

The comment about “I’ll find someone who does want me” triggered me. My ExH used to say something similar. And he was having an affair. Looking back it was almost like he was telling me, but not. Planting the seed type of thing. I also look back at that and think how awful that when I wasn’t in the mood, that I would be emotionally blackmailed into potentially doing it. It’s not right.
In terms of getting back on track, what about a weekend away together? Away from the work and day to day grind? If that’s not possible, organise regular date nights/days. You could have a big heart to heart where you both get everything off your chest and come to sort of compromises? Or couples counselling or mediation? Also, if you can both somehow just let the smaller stuff go, that would be a starting point I think. Easier said than done I think if you’re at a certain point.
I also would never work closely with a partner (work wise). IMO I think work issues can spill over into your personal relationship and vice versa.

I think you're all right - opening up communication is obviously the only way forward but also hard to initiate.

I honestly don't think he is having an affair - I think from some things he has said, he is feeling his age and is insecure about his own looks/desirability. I think he wants someone to fancy him again and make him feel good! If he was actively having an affair I think he would be more positive about his attractiveness.

If you want things to change you have to change too (not just want/ expect him to change). Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern where we just repeat the same snappy comments and it becomes ingrained. Talk about it and agree to try breaking the pattern... Next time it starts up, try both acknowledging it, and doing something totally different to break the routine. Instead of escalating it, go and hug him, do a silly dance, say something you love about each other or hmshare a happy memory, whatever it takes to change the direction of the bitching at each other into a joint effort to do something that feels nicer.

It's hard when you know think you are right and he's wrong but sometimes you have to pick being married over winning a fight about being right!

So on that last point: do you still find him attractive?

Opening up communication is honestly surprisingly easy when you do it. It’s the building up to it and wondering over the potential consequences that makes it hard.

You have to be clear on what you want the outcome to be. So think about whether you actually feel things have run their course and that you make better business than life partners - untangling business relationships can feel like a lot of aggro in anticipation, but if you work well together there is no reason not to continue that. DH and I also work together and are a good team there, and even if we split I think we would still want to work together.

I think once you’ve worked out what you want to change, or what you want your relationship to look like, and considered fully whether you actively want in or have just assumed it will continue and you’ll just weather things and find your way back eventually, it will be easy to start the conversation and do so in a kind, constructive way.

DH and I went through a period recently that was full of such horrific extended family stuff that we were both just feeling we were in the trenches and just trying to survive while we dealt with the world of pain around us. We were so busy trying to just tough it out and not wanting to add to the other’s stress/load that we almost came unstuck because what we actually needed to do was be open and communicate. And lean on each other a bit.

Fortunately we spotted it in time and are in a better place, but it is so easy to fall into these patterns and hope that when the external stuff eases off everything will be better. If you don’t actively find ways to stay connected, though, you can find it really hard to come back from,

I left my husband because he was constantly whining about sex, I realised I didn't want sex or him any more, especially if he was going to be nasty about it and use it as an excuse to do nothing for me or care for his own house.

thank you for being supportive and offering good advice! I do find him attractive - its the behaviour I find off-putting. I saw him the other day walking towards me down a dimly lit street and before I realised it was him I thought to myself 'nice to see a good looking man in town!' - I was quite shocked when he got nearer and I realised it was my own partner! I probably should tell him that story.

Buy Gottmans books. Specifically 7 principles for making marriage work. And his dates book.

Read it independently. Then reread together and discuss. Then do the dates book.

Best books out there in my opinion.

The four horsemen are clip clopping through your marriage. It sound like your spouse thinks you are able to ‘make him happy’ which is nonsense.

If you can afford a Gottman counsellor it’s worth a shot but I’d read the books first as it will also see if your spouse is interested. You could easily read the first in a couple of nights.

Are you after further issues? As flattering as you may think it will be, it may suggest that you look at other people in a way he doesnt feel you think of him

Before your "bad patch", were you kind to each other? What's changed?

Do you get time just you two? Do you have date nights regularly, whether out or in? Do you prioritise the relationship, basically.

How's your communication when you aren't arguing? If you sat at the kitchen table and said "Can we talk about how we argue and treat each other badly?", what would happen? Would you discuss it respectfully and come up with practical ways to start fixing things, or would the conversation deteriorate? If the former, start communicating properly at a time when you are both relaxed and your child is not around. If the latter, go to counselling.