Should I attend my ex father's funeral?

[TheFunDog]

Ive recently been informed by a mutual family friend that my fil has passed and I feel they assume i will attend his funeral as other family members who I've not seen for 30 years asked her to let me know.
My ex and I were married for 5 years before we divorced as I had an affair and produced a child that wasn't his.
Turned out he couldn't have kids.
I kept in touch with his parents for a while as the child was their only chance of a Gc.
Eventually fil decided to stop meeting as they needed to support their son.
Mil continued to keep in touch by letter and sending gc birthday and Xmas gifts, and also same for my next child.
We often bumped into them in town, so kept a minimal relationship going.

Mil passed a few years ago and more recently my ex.

My question is... should I attend the funeral? I feel the mutual friends assume i will.

Difficult … Do both of your children think of your ex-FIL as family?

I can't see any reason why you would to be honest. The only link to your past there will be your Ex Husband. I would have moved on by now and would not attend and ignore those who feel you "should" Caveat though if your EX wants you to go - and he asks you (not the other way round) I'd consider it. Otherwise leave the past in the past where it belongs

God, no. Let your ex grieve in peace. He clearly wouldn’t want you there.

No, just send a card.

The OP’s ex also died recently. It says so in her post.

When the inevitable happens with my ex mother-in-law, I will go along to support my children because I don’t trust my ex to be emotionally available and not a twat to my kids
She wasn’t a bad woman slightly misguided but forgivable so I would like to pay my respects

No I can’t see that you have any obligation in these circumstances. I wouldn’t go.

I read it as the ex also passed away sadly

Going to a funeral is really for the living left behind, but if your ex and his mother are both already dead then there is nobody who needs your support or presence. In your position I wouldn't go unless I thought it would be helpful for my own peace of mind to say goodbye.

It sounds as if you have no real connection left there. I think you can consult your own wishes. Would you like to acknowledge your ex FIL’s passing?

I have always regretted not going to funerals and always felt relieved I had gone even if I absolutely dreaded it beforehand. But there doesn’t seem that there will be anyone there who would feel supported by your going?

Yes

Go if you want, or don't go if you want. I would imagine that the friend told you because they felt you should have the option and that you may not have found out otherwise given that your ex and your mil have passed.

Its entirely up to you, if you want to pay yoir respects

Well did you care for him? Then go. If you didn’t then no.
I still see my late husband’s step father. My DH died 15 years ago, and his mother a couple years ago. His stepfather is the only one of that generation left. My kids didn’t have a typical grandparent relationship with my in laws as basically they weren’t that kind of people. And I’m the second wife too so not like I’ve had 35 years history. But even with no blood connection and my kids are grown we still go visit regularly (in fact me and my 22 year old son went yesterday). I’m fond of him and of course will go to the funeral when he passes.
My husband’s ex wife went to his step mother’s funeral last year (we are civil to each other). Neither of us had seen her (the stepmother) in years but still went.

No.

Send a card.

My question is... should I attend the funeral? I feel the mutual friends assume i will.
The alternate view is that the family kindly included you, so you were informed and could make a decision.
Is that so bad of them?

The only remaining connection is through her older child - if they still think of the ex’s family as ‘family’. (Even though there’s no blood connection.)

No. You were informed out of respect it was not a summons. I would let the family grieve in peace without you there. You made quite a violent choice to betray their family and regardless of your ex now also having passed I don’t think it would be appropriate for you to show up now. The man himself chose to push further distance from you.

You can grieve the man personally or even visit his resting place with flowers at a later date. You should not attend the funeral.

Yes I think this..... sadly I wasn't informed about my ex mil death which I would have attended.
I'll send a card
Thanks.

I am more surprised they kept contact with you.

I would not tbh

My brother’s ex wife attended my dad’s funeral and we were all touched she came. She met my brother’s new wife for the first time and all very civilised. She was part of our family for 25yrs and always liked my dad. Can’t have been easy for her but i was especially appreciative she came.

Do you want to go? That's the only important question.

Thanks for your replies.... even the not so nice one!
Great help .. I'll send a card.
Xx