How to “break up” with a friend?

Sillyquestion123 · 2025-12-04T11:19:20+00:00

I’ll start by saying that I only really have 3 friends IRL. I have plenty “online” but I do like social interaction in person. Im also autistic so I value friendships where I actually have something in common. I get frustrated with people because they don’t “get me” but because I don’t interact with people on a daily basis ( I WFH) I have kept the ones I have for my own wellbeing. howevet, one of them causes me more frustration than joy (we have nothing in common) and it’s literally a “it’s me not you” type of situation. our husbands are also friends and my DH is a lot less particular about who he’s friends with although neither of us have more than 3 friends each (he sometimes gets lonely, whereas I don’t). I however do think that one day I’ll find someone who I have enough in common and who “gets me” . anywho, sorry for the rambling, but do I just distance myself? Seems like the easiest thing to do.

peonysinthesun · 04/12/2025 13:00

If your husbands are also friends you could make things very awkward. I personally wouldn’t have a conversation with this friend about it, just slowly distance yourself, be less available, take longer to reply to texts, don’t arrange to catch up etc.

Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 13:03

peonysinthesun · 04/12/2025 13:00

If your husbands are also friends you could make things very awkward. I personally wouldn’t have a conversation with this friend about it, just slowly distance yourself, be less available, take longer to reply to texts, don’t arrange to catch up etc.

Yeah, the wives are the “OG friends” but in a way I much prefer hanging out with her DH than with her.

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Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 04/12/2025 13:06

How does she (assuming she) make arrangements? Texts - don’t reply or say sorry I’m busy. Or just do more other stuff. Get reading, self care, prioritising your own mental health etc

Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 13:36

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 04/12/2025 13:06

How does she (assuming she) make arrangements? Texts - don’t reply or say sorry I’m busy. Or just do more other stuff. Get reading, self care, prioritising your own mental health etc

I would say it’s 50/50 she’s sweet that she always tries to do something for my birthday for example. We tend to meet once a month, normally at the pub but it does vary.

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Pinkacer · 04/12/2025 13:50

She sounds really thoughtful and it's a real asset to have a friend that makes arrangements.
Whatever you do don't call them up and say you don't want to speak to them anymore

TeaRoseTallulah · 04/12/2025 13:55

Once a month is ok and she sounds thoughtful, you can have different types of friends. I am friends with a few people where it's pretty superficial but I enjoy seeing them but I have really close friends who definitely completely get me.

Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 13:57

Pinkacer · 04/12/2025 13:50

She sounds really thoughtful and it's a real asset to have a friend that makes arrangements.
Whatever you do don't call them up and say you don't want to speak to them anymore

It’s an odd mix, yes she’s thoughtful but at the same time they’re kind of thoughtless.

for example, for one of my birthdays she decided to cook for me at my place even though I said quite a few times there was no need and that I’d rather go out for a drink. However the euros were on, and in the end the brought in a lot of finger food that I REALLY don’t like and we had to watch the football which I also really dislike (because they thought that somehow I would love to host a football party for my birthday). I ended up so frustrated after that event, that I would say that was the beginning of the end.

this year we went on a spa day (lovely!) and then for dinner. I gave her different options for dinner, however in the end it turned out she didn’t like the restaurant we agreed on, so she told me that I should eat and she’d get a meal deal, which ended up making it super awkward.

i know it’s mostly a me problem. I simply don’t have enough tolerance so to speak.

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Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 14:00

TeaRoseTallulah · 04/12/2025 13:55

Once a month is ok and she sounds thoughtful, you can have different types of friends. I am friends with a few people where it's pretty superficial but I enjoy seeing them but I have really close friends who definitely completely get me.

Totally agree on that, but I’ve found there needs to be at least some common ground for it to work for me.

I guess because I don’t interact with a lot of people I end up disliking superficial conversations.

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TeaRoseTallulah · 04/12/2025 14:02

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 13:57

It’s an odd mix, yes she’s thoughtful but at the same time they’re kind of thoughtless.

for example, for one of my birthdays she decided to cook for me at my place even though I said quite a few times there was no need and that I’d rather go out for a drink. However the euros were on, and in the end the brought in a lot of finger food that I REALLY don’t like and we had to watch the football which I also really dislike (because they thought that somehow I would love to host a football party for my birthday). I ended up so frustrated after that event, that I would say that was the beginning of the end.

this year we went on a spa day (lovely!) and then for dinner. I gave her different options for dinner, however in the end it turned out she didn’t like the restaurant we agreed on, so she told me that I should eat and she’d get a meal deal, which ended up making it super awkward.

i know it’s mostly a me problem. I simply don’t have enough tolerance so to speak.

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I think you need to be clearer on what you will be doing. So if she wants to cook at your place that would be a hard no,put boundaries in place.

TeaRoseTallulah · 04/12/2025 14:04

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 14:00

Totally agree on that, but I’ve found there needs to be at least some common ground for it to work for me.

I guess because I don’t interact with a lot of people I end up disliking superficial conversations.

Show quote history

That will be quite hard if your husband's are friends so I would suggest distancing yourself a bit but you arranging any get togethers so you are happier.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 04/12/2025 14:06

I don't think you can 'break up' with her - she's married to your husbands mate and on balance there seem to be more positives than negatives

she clearly needs clear boundaries and instructions so give her those

I think that friends come in different shapes and sizes, v close friends and casual friends, she's just one of the latter

Itisatruthuniversallyacknowledged · 04/12/2025 14:15

I can’t bear the slow distancing method, it’s cruel and leaves the other person wondering what’s happened, whether you’re okay and maybe even questioning what they’ve done.

I reckon you should have the bravery to be honest with her. Explain kindly that you feel you’re quite different, don’t enjoy the same things anymore and that you don’t want to hang out anymore. It hurts but whatever way you do it it’s going to hurt. At least this way gives everyone clarity and closure.

But seeing as your Hs are friends and you may want to still meet up all together sometimes, you might just need to get really good at letting your “yes be yes and your no be no.” i.e. get real with yourself about what you really want before agreeing to things. Say ‘yes please’ to invites you want to participate in and a repeated ‘no thanks’ to those you don’t.

Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 14:26

Itisatruthuniversallyacknowledged · 04/12/2025 14:15

I can’t bear the slow distancing method, it’s cruel and leaves the other person wondering what’s happened, whether you’re okay and maybe even questioning what they’ve done.

I reckon you should have the bravery to be honest with her. Explain kindly that you feel you’re quite different, don’t enjoy the same things anymore and that you don’t want to hang out anymore. It hurts but whatever way you do it it’s going to hurt. At least this way gives everyone clarity and closure.

But seeing as your Hs are friends and you may want to still meet up all together sometimes, you might just need to get really good at letting your “yes be yes and your no be no.” i.e. get real with yourself about what you really want before agreeing to things. Say ‘yes please’ to invites you want to participate in and a repeated ‘no thanks’ to those you don’t.

That’s the thing I need to be persistent and direct to the point that it might seem “rude” (because I hate repeating myself, but it has happened at least twice)

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Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 14:26

Itisatruthuniversallyacknowledged · 04/12/2025 14:15

I can’t bear the slow distancing method, it’s cruel and leaves the other person wondering what’s happened, whether you’re okay and maybe even questioning what they’ve done.

I reckon you should have the bravery to be honest with her. Explain kindly that you feel you’re quite different, don’t enjoy the same things anymore and that you don’t want to hang out anymore. It hurts but whatever way you do it it’s going to hurt. At least this way gives everyone clarity and closure.

But seeing as your Hs are friends and you may want to still meet up all together sometimes, you might just need to get really good at letting your “yes be yes and your no be no.” i.e. get real with yourself about what you really want before agreeing to things. Say ‘yes please’ to invites you want to participate in and a repeated ‘no thanks’ to those you don’t.

That’s the thing I need to be persistent and direct to the point that it might seem “rude” (because I hate repeating myself, but it has happened at least twice)

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Itisatruthuniversallyacknowledged · 04/12/2025 16:07

It’s difficult with people like that! I think you have to keep reminding yourself it’s not you being rude, everyone is allowed to say no. It’s really her being rude by persisting when you’ve said no.

It takes a bit of self-soothing through the guilt (or whatever other feelings pop up for you - fear? Anger? Loneliness?) whenever you say no. If you rinse and repeat (say no, self-soothe, say no, self-soothe) you’ll probably build a tolerance for it eventually and it won’t feel so hard.

Original poster

Sillyquestion123 · 04/12/2025 16:17

Itisatruthuniversallyacknowledged · 04/12/2025 16:07

It’s difficult with people like that! I think you have to keep reminding yourself it’s not you being rude, everyone is allowed to say no. It’s really her being rude by persisting when you’ve said no.

It takes a bit of self-soothing through the guilt (or whatever other feelings pop up for you - fear? Anger? Loneliness?) whenever you say no. If you rinse and repeat (say no, self-soothe, say no, self-soothe) you’ll probably build a tolerance for it eventually and it won’t feel so hard.

I think of both times, at least one I ended up being super patronising, but that had been going on. FOR YEARS

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