I don't know if this is me or him.... or both?

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I've been seeing this man for a year. We're both in our 50s and had been single for a long time, so adjusting to being in a relationship and having someone else to consider hasn't come easily for either of us.

Basically it's very good. He's kind and considerate, reliable, generous with his time, keen to see me, make plans and sticks to them. There's never been any game playing.

He has some friends from way back (which I generally consider a good thing?). They're all long term married, so as a group they're used to him being the one who was always available, whereas they found it harder to make meet ups etc. He has always invested a lot of time in maintaining these friendships, which might have drifted if left to the married friends, something which does happen? He generally loves people and makes a lot of effort with everyone.

There's one in particular he talks to everyday everyday. They don't meet very often, but they're on the phone a lot (talking and texting), sometimes when BF is with me. This friendship is important to him and he makes a lot of effort to maintain it, again broadly a good thing.

But, an example. Last night we went to a classical Christmas concert.

Friend had a big thing happening yesterday. BF had been talking to him about it all day.

As soon as this nice romantic concert ended, BF was texing friend about the thing, meaning for the 20 min walk home, he didn't look at me, speak to me, hold my hand...

So he'd spent all evening with me, we'd had a lovely dinner with no phones, we'd seen the concert. Am I right when I'm put out that it seemed talking to friend was more important than being with me, or is being such a good friend when his friend has a big thing going on, a good thing?

Fwiw I'm more than happy for him to spend as much time as he wants with his friends (who often can't fit him in) but when he's with me, I expect him to be "with" me, not prioritising others. Maybe that's unreasonable when we spend so much time together? I.e if we lived together he'd talk to his friends while I was at home.

Bluntly, OP, I would never choose a relationship that might be temporary over lifelong friendships that have proven their staying power.

Having said that, I think it’s simply bad manners to ignore someone throughout a 20-minute walk because you’re on your phone, unless it’s some kind of emergency. I suppose it depends in part on whether the friend’s ’big thing’ was a job interview or life-saving surgery.

Yes, all that.

I absolutely get that the friendship is important and should be maintained. Whenever there's an opportunity for him to see friend I tell him to prioritise meeting his friend. It's prioritising friend while he's with me I struggle with.

It related to a windfall that may or may not happen.

OK, then I think that’s bad manners. Not a ‘girlfriend vs friend’ thing, but to be on the phone, texting or talking, in someone else’s company, outside of an emergency or urgent work situation, is rude.

Yes, he's accepted it was rude and promised not to do it again.

However, what really bothers me is that in that moment, and others like it, his choice was to contact friend rather than enjoy the moment with me. I.e. he can change his behavior to show better manners, but if that's what he'd really prefer to be doing.....And maybe that's where I'm over reacting. Or not?

I think you’re right that it’s rude and right that it needs addressing and it seems that you have and that he’s taken it on board. All good.

Where you seem to have a question is whether he’d actually rather be talking to the friend than you. Here I think you’re possibly overthinking. I think that messaging and phone use is largely driven by habit. Your BF has been in the position for a long time where he can respond to messages from friends straightaway without worrying about his significant other feeling sidelined. As you’ve said his friends are important to him and so it would seem natural to him to respond quickly to a message. Overtime that builds a habit and it actually becomes a point of stress not to respond quickly. I know because I’ve been there! Married for over 30 years and DH and I have a strong relationship where each other is our priority, no question. However, partly because of the job I do and also because side of some of the social interactions I’m part of, I had slipped into trying to respond immediately to messages from others. I would feel a low-grade stress when I couldn’t (in the cinema or driving or similar) and would want to reply straight away as soon as that became possible. DH started mentioning it and reminding me that the world wouldn’t end if I didn’t respond in the moment and that I needed to take a step back. It was so helpful and made me realise how I’d somehow trained myself to do this. I’ve actively been trying to wean myself off and it’s been very helpful. I think this is where your BF is at - it’s nothing to do with how he feels about you, he’s just trying to quieten the noise that says ‘You haven’t responded yet’…..

Maybe that would be a good conversation to have.

I think you're being unrealistic to be honest he probably didn't realize, he understands and has apologized and will moderate his behaviour.

I think that's a completely acceptable outcome. I am also my 50s and I'm in a relationship with a man in his 50s and both of us have come out of long marriages and again we're adjusting to the same kind of setup as you I guess.

It takes time and you do get into habits of behavior that are hard to change. My man sounds like yours in that he is really polite respectful there's been no game playing he's been great at making a arrangements and I really enjoy the time we spent together however he's not emotionally overwhelmed by me and clearly wants to maintain his life balance with friends which I think is a really good thing honestly.

Good posts from @CountryGirlInTheCity and @LittleJustice.

They are helpful, thank you...and actually exactly what he said!

THIS!

most people neglect long life friends over a situation that may be temporary

Yes, but I thought it had been established that that's not what being asked....at all.

Yeah probably a bit rude, but does feel a little like you are looking for faults.

Flip the genders on this and if a man took the hump about you messaging after a concert, everyone would be saying that he should stop being a big baby.

I'm not sure I'm so much looking for as scared to get in too deep if it's all too good to be true.

Ok so the issue is bigger than the presenting one. Your concern seems to be ‘what if he’s not as interested in me as I am in him and what if he’s not as invested in this relationship as me?’ Is that about right? Have you had a conversation with him about this worry?

From all you’ve said he seems like a good guy and that you have a good thing here. If you feel insecure you need to talk to him about it, but don’t let it ruin a perfectly good relationship because you’re not willing to take any risks with your heart. All relationships have things that need to be worked through and differences of opinion and priority but if you can sort them out together you start to build trust and security. He’s responded really well to this issue so you have no reason to think he’s not looking for the same things you are.

Yes. I've never thought of myself as an anxious attachment type, certainly was never like that when I was young or with (late)DH, but I'm definitely showing signs in middle age.

And equally with life long friends there should be security within the friendship to not need to be texting and in contact constantly.

OP I’m with you. He should have messaged said friend and said that he was currently busy but would message later and it shouldn’t have needed you to spell it out to him - no matter how much of a ‘good guy’ he is.

I don’t see anxious attachment issues here at all but someone who expects to be treated as they treat others.

Ah yes, middle age! I’ve felt the same shift and can’t really fathom what’s happened (other than my hormones deciding they’re there one minute and gone the next…). A few months ago I cried because DH didn’t hold my hand from the car to the cafe where we were going for breakfast 😂. The pavement was narrow and it was raining but in my brain it was because he’d gone off me!!! Very happily married for 33 years and I’m reduced to this 🤪. I’m looking forward to this particular season being over. And I’m sure DH is 🤣!

Talk to him - if he’s a good guy he will be supportive.