My husband thinks I don’t care about him - what can I do to prove that I do? Poor mental health and cold upbringing has got me here. Quite desperate.

[quillfram]

Hi! I’m hoping someone can advise. I have a lovely husband, we have two small children, 4 and 1 years old.
For a long time now, my husband has complained of not feeling loved in the relationship. And I don’t dispute how he feels, as I would feel the same if I were in a relationship with me.
My childhood was very cold, both parents very distant, never affectionate, one pretty horrible and somewhat scary. I never felt seen or supported emotionally, and have pretty terrible mental health as a result. I’m very closed off but also quite traumatised.
My husband isn’t being unreasonable at all. He says he doesn’t feel like how he feels is a priority for me at all, and that he’s more just a dad now rather than a partner.
I’m looking for advice, but also some ideas to make him feel more needed, wanted, cared for. I struggle a lot with these sorts of things, as I just am often so lost in the firefighting of managing children whilst in my own fog of depression and trauma, that its true, he doesn’t cross my consciousness much on an average day, I’m so lost in my own little world. I’d love some real world ideas of things I can do/routines I could get into/something which can improve how he feels. I want him to feel special and valued, he works so hard and is a brilliant father and partner, but I just don’t know how to show it.
How are you made to feel valued in your relationship? How do you ensure that connection even with raising small children?
Thanks for reading!

Get off here - seek professional help (couple's therapy).

Trust me, i learned that most here will just blame the man, even if you admit you are to blame.

What about little pleasantries, like making sure you greet each other and say goodbye to each other as you come and go? A little kiss as you leave and arrive can be a wonderful thing.

If you made a meal because you know he likes it, say so. ‘I made lasagne, I know you like it’.

When you are tired, lean on him for a hug and if he smells nice, tell him. Look at him and smile.

It’s really small stuff, but makes you feel ‘seen’.

I want him to feel special and valued, he works so hard and is a brilliant father and partner
Tell us more about what he says and does that you appreciate the most. Are there ever any moments when he says or does something and you feel your heart melt? Do you feel loving towards him or do you have issues accessing emotions?

I had problems like this with my exh, but in retrospect, the things I valued in him as a partner were actually outweighed by the ways in which he let me down. At the time, I was very rational about it, but looking back, I'm not surprised I had trouble expressing love towards him. You sound enthusiastic, but I'd still recommend looking deep into your own heart and checking that you really are the main cause of your problem.

With my current partner I want to say more, but the only thing I've done towards that is to make sure to have some deeper, emotional conversations with him, even if it feels a bit dramatic or hard work for my taste. He also finds these things awkward, which helps - it's more balanced - but he reacts well.

I think it's lovely that you want to change, make you DH feel loved etc.
You sound un confident about how to start so how about finding one thing you currently feel comfortable doing...it maybe writing something down or it might be sending a text or maybe giving him a hug .
Whatever it is, make a start by doing that one little thing every day...tell yourself you are going to do that one small thing everyday for a week or a month or whatever time you need, then when that feels more natural add in another thing and so on.
You'll get more confident and hopefully he will be happy

I totally get this OP. I've been in the same place for the same reasons. I think what most people don't get is when you've had an upbringing that didn't involve any small daily gestures of love or thoughtfulness, this simply isn't in your experience, so you wouldn't automatically offer them to someone else.

I've also had to make conscious efforts to do things differently. All the suggestions here are so helpful. For me the main thing was saying on a regular basis something that my partner has done then and there or brought to my life that I appreciate and value in that moment, or longer term.

It feels uncomfortable at first because it's so different to my own experience. I have had and continue to have a lot of therapy though. It isn't easy, but you are spot on doing the right things about it. I hope it enriches your relationship. I've found that when I give more within the relationship I get a lot of the same back. That's a change from my childhood experience too.

Men rarely, if ever, get compliments..there are several memes about them living for years off a single one. Yet its an easy habit to get into.
That colour suits you.
I like the way you look today.
Excellent haircut..verrrrrry sexy.

Appreciation,
Omg thankyou for doing that, ive been out it off for ages so I really appreciate not having to think about it anymore.
Good job on the lawn. That looks great.
Thankyou for driving today, I know you always do it but Its nice not to have to deal with one more thing.

Its odd at first, weird and uncomfortable even, but its really only putting an outer voice on inner thoughts and quite quickly you both start to get a little buzz out of it and it also gradually can help open up longer and more nuanced and complex discussions which combine likes and dislikes and allows you to build towards each other rather than living with assumptions and unspoken expectations ( which are usually incorrect)

Maybe think of it like everyday he offers you menu of himself and you need to start out by just saying what you like on there. How else will he know? Do you even know yourself if you don't spend a minute to think about it?
Later you might get to other things you like but maybe just aspects of or different combinations.

Might even just be the effort he invests on some days, even if everything else is off.

You have to just start somewhere even if it feels uncomfortable

Mmmm. Sorry to be crass op but many men when they say this sort of thing actually want more sex.

And bluntly you are in the trenches of parenting at the moment. Mh issues aside, it’s very usual for couples to feel under pressure during this period of live and more like mums and dads than romantic appreciative partners. It’s full on. But it’s not your fault it’s full on.

I am autistic and found the noise and chaos of small dc challenging. My dh didn’t bleat about feeling unloved; he knew the way to be able to engage with me and feel loved and for me to have more bandwidth for his feelings; was to get stuck in and help as much as possible. Apologies but I think your dh is being a bit selfish.

How sad.

It sounds as though her DH is getting stuck in with house and kids stuff. OP suggests he’s completely pulling his weight.

It is perfectly possible to be in the trenches and be kind to your partner.

Edited to add: not that I think the OP would endorse your approach - she is here seeking ideas about how to show love and appreciation - but I think your standpoint is positively dangerous to marriage. Many relationships wouldn’t recover from years of coldness and “suck it up we have kids”.

Some of the things I do that I think are nice are:
Notice things he has done and say thanks.
Start up little conversations about things he’s interested in or has mentioned before.
Give hugs or a quick kiss.
Watch a sitcom - laughing together is great!
If you go to the shop bring back a small treat for you both occasionally - like some new food or drink to try (not expensive).

My husband does all these things too! It’s not a one way street. I wouldn’t go over the top with it though, just when it feels appropriate.

A relationship does change with young children and I think both partners need to realise that they’ll have less time and attention overall.

What @NoelEdmondsHairGel said.

Before you go to sleep have a quick think about what he’s done that day to make your life better and tell him. Ideally tell him as you go along during the day, but up against the coalface of young children that can be hard to do.

Practice looking at him and giving him a smile.

Ok here is a simple one - make his favourite meal for dinner when it’s your turn to cook next.

Find out about the five languages of love and use them as a framework to talk to him to find out what would make him feel loved. Then just try to do them, even in a very small way. (Gifts, words, physical affection, quality time, acts of service.)

Just ask him what he means. From reading the relationship threads I’ve come to see that when men moan about ‘lack of affection’ they mean sex. The same sort of men that are totally oblivious to the mental and domestic load their wives are carrying.