My husband thinks I don’t care about him - what can I do to prove that I do? Poor mental health and cold upbringing has got me here. Quite desperate.

[quillfram]

Hi! I’m hoping someone can advise. I have a lovely husband, we have two small children, 4 and 1 years old.
For a long time now, my husband has complained of not feeling loved in the relationship. And I don’t dispute how he feels, as I would feel the same if I were in a relationship with me.
My childhood was very cold, both parents very distant, never affectionate, one pretty horrible and somewhat scary. I never felt seen or supported emotionally, and have pretty terrible mental health as a result. I’m very closed off but also quite traumatised.
My husband isn’t being unreasonable at all. He says he doesn’t feel like how he feels is a priority for me at all, and that he’s more just a dad now rather than a partner.
I’m looking for advice, but also some ideas to make him feel more needed, wanted, cared for. I struggle a lot with these sorts of things, as I just am often so lost in the firefighting of managing children whilst in my own fog of depression and trauma, that its true, he doesn’t cross my consciousness much on an average day, I’m so lost in my own little world. I’d love some real world ideas of things I can do/routines I could get into/something which can improve how he feels. I want him to feel special and valued, he works so hard and is a brilliant father and partner, but I just don’t know how to show it.
How are you made to feel valued in your relationship? How do you ensure that connection even with raising small children?
Thanks for reading!

what where you like before you married?

What was there before the kids ?

For me it’s the little things, an ‘I love you’ in passing or making me an ovaltine at the end of the night. Those things mean more than huge gestures I think. Could you be sure to give him a kiss a few times a night or something like that?

He's putting unfair pressure on you OP. He should be helping you with your mental health problems - you'll be able to show love when those are resolved.

Hmmm op I would be hesitant about fully blaming yourself for this.
my husband says similar stuff. He wants full on affection and adoration. Realistically I am looking after 3 small children mostly solo and I expect him to mainly look after himself. I am barely able to look after any of my own needs.

whats happening here is he isn’t centre of your universe for a few years and a real man gets that! It’s a season

First of all give yourself a break, sounds like you've been through a lot.

Have you asked him specifically what would make him feel more loved? I think everyone is different in this regard so if he could express what specifically he is missing it'd certainly help! For my husband it's the small things that show him I was thinking of him and noticing what he does/how hard he works etc. Even if that's just picking up his favourite drink or snack because I knew he'd had a busy day, or leaving a note on his desk telling him I love him, just small gestures to show him I'm thinking of him.

How do you ensure that connection even with raising small children?

I make sure that we’re still having sex. If I’m perpetually tired (which I am, having a baby and a 2 year old) I still make time for intimacy.

Have you asked him what you could be doing to make him feel more valued?

I can see how its easy to read that into it, but I promise you he’s not - he takes a lot of slack to be honest, its very hard being in a relationship with someone as detached as me (he’s not the first partner I’ve had who has struggled to feel valued by me) and he tolerates a LOT. My mental health issues sadly aren’t going away any time soon, likely not ever. So I’m really looking for advice as to how I can be more proactive in the relationship :-)

Talk to him. Tell him. Tell him that youre no good at showing affection and that you're closed down but that he means the world to you, that you love and appreciate him.

Try it with spoken words. If you can't, then write it. Even put it in an envelope and post it, if you have to.

Write it in here first or in pm, but don't send it ofc. Just copy it in your own handwriting and put it under his pillow. Tell him that it's so hard to reach out and so scary, and that's because of your upbringing.

And please, lovely, get some therapy. This can get better but it will be challenging and you will have to practise in tiny, perhaps scary steps. You need to quite consciously practise little things like getting a mug of cocoa for him, a flower. Work up to touching his arm, hand and saying I love you slowly. It takes time to change the conditioning of early years, but it can be done.

He doesn't much like being no 3 in the list of people you prioritise.

Basically he has had his nose put out of joint by two small children.

Ask him, ask him what would help. He knows how he feels and what’s missing from his side.

Oh bollocks. Why do that when she’s very clearly explained the situation? Why not listen to what she’s actually saying rather than projecting predictable crap onto this specific thread?

This is one of those threads where if the OP was the one feeling unloved and her husband was the one being cold and unfeeling, everyone would be telling her that her husband was in the wrong.

This doesn’t sound at all like the OP’s situation though.

If this is not about sex (?) you can achieve a lot with little things. Eg:

• when you sit down to relax, sit physically next to him. Lean on him, hold his hand;

• be touchy feely (in a non-sexualised way!). Hug him - it could be nice for you too, a stress relief - touch his arms as you walk past him and smile. Small intimacies that elevate you from just co-parents;

• make him feel like you are really glad to have him around and pleased to see him. My DH nearly always gives me a huge smile when he sees me after the end of a day’s work and will tell me that I’m a sight for sore eyes, that coming home to me is the best bit of his day etc;

• text him when you’re apart about stuff which isn’t purely kids/house/work. Tell him you hope he has a good day, that you’re looking forward to the weekend with him, make plans for things you both like doing;

• speak highly of him to the people around you, including the kids and let him hear that you think he’s great.

Have you tried therapy to talk through your feelings about your childhood? It might help you to stop being so self critical.

and I know that some will think this suggestion as too ‘woo’ but have you read about love language? It might help you identify what style of affection ticks your DH’s box. For me, it’s words of affirmation. For my DH it’s touch. We work hard to use words or touch to indicate affection to each other.

having said that, you have two tiny children. I’m sure that getting to bedtime can sometimes feel like an achievement, never mind finding time to see a therapist or read a book.

is there anyway you could find a babysitter for a couple of hours while the two of you go out and talk frankly? Tell him how much you value and love him and that you hope he understand how life and unresolved childhood issues mean that it sometimes doesn’t get demonstrated.

Yes, this.
And how were things before the kids came along, at the start ?

Are you getting treatment for your mental health issues? This would be the biggest step you could take to help things.

Aside from that, could you set aside a regular time each day, when you're not in a rush, to stop and chat to him. Maybe have a cup of tea together, really listen to him, be physically affectionate if that feels right to you.

An advent type calender with a different reason why you love him every day. 🥰

Talk to him OP, tell him he means the world to you and you appreciate him as a partner and father. If you can't say it write it and pop it somewhere he will see it.
Hug him when he comes home and kiss him goodbye when he leaves.
Pick a date night once a week, even if it's at home with a takeaway. Hold his hand when you're out together and really look into his eyes when you're talking. Simple, loving gestures mean a lot when they are expressed with meaning.
Above all though get some therapy for your mental health issues, you need objective advice and support to help with your detachment and past trauma.

That's really unfair. He's not responsible for her mental health, and telling him he can be loved after he fixes her is downright appalling.

Hi I'm so sorry for your past. But this is your future and only you can control it. First step GP or talking therapy online NHS can refer you for the right treatment it's not just counselling they can send you to psychotherapy etc. maybe a support group. The thing with people who suffer from abuse is they become so used to it it's what they know and as crazy as it is they can think it's love they wouldn't do it if they didn't care the excuses victims fell themselves. How does your husband show love and affection? We usually give what we need and think other people want you could look at love language online too

I think the trouble is that if he doesn’t really cross your mind very often, you probably don’t feel about him the way he wants to be felt about.

I’ve a similar situation with my autistic DH - he’s well intentioned and loyal, and he probably loves me (in whatever way he experiences love), but 95% of the time his mind is elsewhere.

If he embarked on little perfunctory routines to make me feel loved I think I’d feel even lonelier.

OP

1/ First things first: do things that make you feel good and give you energy. Regularly and consistently. Try different things. Make time for this. Focus on good diet and rest.

2/ For him:

You need to DO things that you don't necessarily FEEL like doing. Only do these when your own battery is replenished or they wont create resentment (see 1)

Concrete things like:

• Thinking about things he does well, making a note of them, then going up to him and saying "I notice how well you do xyz thing"

• Saying thank you for small things - even things he should do - like taking out bins

• Greeting him warmly every day at the door

• Serving him a small drink or snack he likes. Reach out to touch his hand/arm.

• Tell him he smells nice

• Tell him a fact about you that you have hidden from him

Etc.
Love is a Verb:
Do Actions frequently and consistently
Check if his reaction is positive
Change or Repeat accordingly

This is good.