My life is like an episode of eastenders

[Nocontacteveragain]

NC for this.

I need to get the last few days off my chest, however will be careful with the detail I add as I do not want to be exposed.

I have been in an abusive relationship for 15 months - I ignored all red flags. I was vulnerable when we got together.

He was arrested this week for coercive control, harassment and threats to kill (not me but those close to me). He has been released on bail, as I have not had the emotional strength to give a statement and be dragged through court. He is not allowed to come near me or speak to me for at least 3 months whilst the investigation is ongoing.

yesterday, I felt completely grief stricken. I know absolutely this is for the best, I’m just full of so many mixed emotions. I am in therapy anyway, so having a session helped me validate my feelings and my experiences with him. I know I don’t love him, I know I never missed him when we were together and quite frankly he abused me on a daily basis (mentally, emotionally, psychologically) that I was always plotting of when I could get away from him. I’m just struggling to understand why now I feel that I just want to tell him I love him, and why do I feel that I miss him. What is to miss! What on earth was there to miss. Why am I now feeling this love?

i need a big slap around the face. I know i will heal, this just all happened so suddenly and I feel that I have no closure. I’m struggling to understand if he ever did love me, because the guy was obsessed with me and so possessive which is not love, I know but he did anything and everything to be with me. Does he miss me too? Is he sad? Does he feel love for me? Or is he sat festering on the thoughts that I’m an evil manipulative witch that he always used to say I was because I called 999.

just to add, we have no children together.

i just need a bit of an outlet to be honest, please be kind x

I think this is called trauma bonding. There were a lot of powerful emotions in the relationship (a lot of them unhealthy) and I think it is Norma to miss these. You need to write yourself a letter listing all the bad times and all the reasons you should NOT be together. Also, why you deserve MOrE. Now spend the next three months being kind to yourself, and keep reading that letter. Counselling/therapy if you can afford it, self help books may help too. Keep busy, stay strong and good luck. And lean on your friends.

Don't look back, you're not going that way.

I wish you peace and happiness. 💐

This is Trauma bond, I have been there. I really wanted to leave (many times), he was constantly abusive but also very kind at times. When he did eventually leave I missed him, I felt he needed me (he really didn’t). I was so tempted just to back out of what I had told the police and to ask him back. I am so glad he didn’t. It’s taken me years to actually unpack what happened (I am now with therapy).
Stay strong, don’t look back.

Please look at doing the freedom programme

Yes I have looked into this. I have received a book today “why does he do this” and I am in therapy. I will also look to do the freedom programme. Thank you

Perhaps your past means that you find the highs and lows of an abusive relationship familiar and don’t have the faith in yourself to pursue a healthy one. But stick with the therapy, understand these patterns and break them. All the best.

I think it's so important for you to let this very bad man go.
Please don't even think of dating anyone for the next 12 months...you are ok to do life your self.
Find your own little haven in your home.
Build your own resilience. Find out what you like to do. Join groups of people with your own interests

It wasn’t love, it was someone who you were unfortunate enough to cross paths with who gave you enough of what you craved, to disregard the terrible. You don’t miss him, you miss the hole he temporarily filled, which you are going to have to learn to fill yourself.

Stick with therapy because your vulnerability is still detectable for the many arseholes still out there.