Sorry for the long rant and thank you if you do read :)
Trigger warning- mention of baby loss.
My sister is 4 years younger than me, i have an older brother who is only 2 years older and, me and him had a similar childhood, my sister had a completely relaxed childhood, she got away with not paying rent when she got a job and only paying when she felt like it, breaking the front door down because she forgot her keys (early 20's) being friends around to have back garden partirs during lockdown (my dad wasnt happy but didnt say anything) messing around with boys from a young age and getting everything bought for her from my dad.
We are both in our 30'a now.
Growing up, im not saying shes all bad, she is there for you if you need her but, she has many character flaws that she always seems to want people to dismiss them as she puts a label to EVERY flaw she has (gets really nasty before her period - PMDD (self diagnose) or gets very snappy with people for not agreeing with her - childhood trauma etc)
Every situation in her life was everyone wrong doing her - she has a victim mindset.
When she got pregnant, she wanted baby events which started small - she wanted them to be planned by family which we was happy to do so but then she started to add many more guest and never offered to pay towards it once (actually she did say if she needed to pay for these events herself, shed have to use her savings) She kept adding people to the guest list because her and her partner said "more guest = more presents"
In the end, I blew up and we fell out, I wasnt the only one who had crossed words with her but, anyone who said something innocent to her, she'd turn it into a big thing and accuse everyone of being jealous and treating her badly During pregnancy. I understand hormones run high during pregnancy but, this was something else!
So all through her pregnancy - i was 'jealous' just because I called her out and apparently she still feels this way.
When her baby was born 2 years ago, ive been there for her but I have had to tread on eggshells around her, anything I say to her is a big deal but shes free to say what ever she wants, I find myself agreeing with her to keep the peace as I dont want to be labeled jealous again. My family have mentioned times they have felt uncomfortable by her comments and opinions but, also keep quiet.
I have a child who is older than her kid and she planned my gender reveal that happened in lockdown along withmy friend and partner, it had to be kept small as I was limited guest due to restrictions but, she decided to invite one of her friends as a guest instead of another one of my friends.... I did confront her about this and we fell out for a while as she didnt see a problem, but we made up and I've never spoken about it since. She bought me 2 balloons for the event.. my partner paid for everything else.
To her friends, shes great - personalised cards from moonpig on birthdays and big paragraphs, positive attitude, no shutting them down with opinions and judgement, but to close family, shes hard to be around. Her behavior has escalated since shes met her partner, hes very tight with money so im not sure if this has something to do with it and I feel he can be controlling and put her down alot but she doesn't see a problem with his actions and says hes the best partner shes ever had and theyre very solid together.
When I had my son ages ago, she fed him choclate, ice pops etc, kissed him when he was a baby but warned us that we do not cross that bar with her child.
Im now pregnant again, and shes brought up all the resentment she has from when she was treated so poorly when she was pregnant and fell out with me again, I admit, maybe I should've said something sooner to stop my frustration escalating but honestly I never shouted, swore or got violent, I just explained that shes expecting too much and she said im making it all about money etc.
I told her to stay away from me and my child as I dont want someone as entitled and opinionated like her to be around us. I cant remember the full conversation but she remembers what I said, not what she said to cause me to say things.
I lost a baby girl far along in pregnancy before my 2nd child (a while ago) and my sister wasnt there for me, but I've never held it againt her or any of my other family's members who went on holiday the following day after I found out I lost her (to a holiday home they own) When my sister found out she was having a girl, i explained that the 'first grand daughter' comments from her were very hurtful but she rolled her eyes and still makes them.
she honestly expects us to understand all her problems and the labels/ diagnoses she gives herself but when we go through something like baby loss, mental health - she doesn't even try and understand, shell phone you and act like she cares but once she saying something hurtful, she wont try to understand why it could be hurtful, shell just get defensive.
She will go to my baby's grave and cry, but still throws the first granddaughter comments, I also told her to stop going to the grave crying if she cant understand why her comments hurt me so much as she obviously doesnt care - again another argument, I probably shouldn't have said that and apologized but she never apologized for the comments and to this day, still makes them, I dont say anything anymore as im used to the comments but she tells everyone that I told her "dont go to my d**d babies grave crying if you dont care" - escalating it like I said it to her out of the blue.
When she found out she was accidentally pregnant her first words was "how about if the baby is ugly?!" I said this was a disgusting comment and upset me as shes very fortunate if thats her first thought and she said "i was in a mental state". I admitted i get that but, if thats your first thought you're very lucky as most people worrying about the baby being healthy and what do you think is going to happen if you're having unprotected s*x?! Again, my own experience probably made me react that way and eventually I apologized, she put it down to me being jealous about her being pregnant again......
I dont want her in my life really, im not saying im perfect but what you see with me is what you get, shes very sly. When we fall out i feel sadness because I do hate falling out with people but I honestly cant live trying to please her. Does it get easier over time?
Has anyone else had a similar situation when someone thinks youre the bad person in their story but never takes responsibility for their actions as they think they can do no wrong and generally see's no problem on their behalf!? How do you handle it?
I go to see my dad alot and so does she so its not like I can keep well away.
Thank you in advance.