Marriage breakdown

[Mamabear1986]

How do you cope with a marriage breakdown? Things aren't great between us. We hardly can speak to one other without arguing. He is due to move out in the next couple of days but I still love him so much even though the relationship is not healthy. We have been through alot together but this one has truly broken me (no cheating) We have been together a long time and have children together. The thought of him not being in our family home is tearing me apart. I can barely think let alone function but I am going through the motions to get through the day. Marriage counselling etc is out of the question.. we are beyond that. The marriage is irreparable but I can't get the thoughts of what life should be out of my head. We had always imagined we would be together forever but it hasn't worked out that way. Im sad at the thought of being on my own. I am also angry that he walks away without much responsibility. I don't have anyone to speak to. I dont have any friends anymore. It is literally just me and my children. I can only describe the feeling I have as grief. Overwhelming grief 💔

Grief is absolutely understandable, you have lost the life partner you hoped for and expected to have. It is a bereavement in its way.

If you are arguing so much you may find that it is a relief to be free of that. It will go in phases I’m sure between relief and peace, and sadness and anger.

Why is he walking away without much responsibility when you have shared kids?

It's the old cliche but time is a great healer. I was the same when my marriage fell apart (infidelity on her part)
10 years later I'm very happily engaged to a wonderful woman. Give yourself time and space to feel however you are feeling, every day will be different for a while but in time you will be ok.

Sorry to hear you are feeling in turmoil. It's very sad when things end even though it sounds as though you have tried repeatedly to repair things between you. What was the final straw that has made him decide to move out?

Without getting too much in to it but due to his current lifestyle the children wont be at his new place. This isnt me being scorned and using the children as a weapon, this is for their own safety. He will still be allowed to see the kids but with me there. I suppose he is still responsible for them in some sense but the parenting 24/7 will be down to me.

@Seaoftroubles There has been a lot going on in the last 18months. Things I don't really want to open up about at the minute but it is a catalogue of poor decisions which has caused the breakdown. Plenty ultimatums have been given but no change. I know we need to seperate for my own sanity but im really struggling with it all.

@Baggiesfan I get time is a great healer but its very difficult to feel that in the moment. Im gutted for the kids. They adore their dad and we have always been such a strong family unit. Im happy to hear you found happiness. I suppose it is a case of taking it day by day

your poor kids, how old are they? Living in a house with so much conflict must be hard on everyone but especially your kids

have the courts said he can’t have unsupervised contact?

@Lebkuched No, no court involvement at the moment and I dont imagine there will be. He will see the kids whenevwe he wants but at the moment that wont be overnight and he understands that. The kids are ages between 6 and 12. We have 4

This makes no sense. What do you mean by "allowed"?

And why do you have to be there?

This, sounds tricky, OP, and very unsatisfactory if you have to be present when they see him. Could another trusted adult go in your stead? lt will be very difficult for your children otherwise as l imagine the atmosphere between you will be tense.

@Chiseltip it certainly does make sense! I am the main caregiver. His lifestyle has caused far too many concerns that it would not be appropriate for the children to be around so I am well within my rights to say they will not be at his place with him without me there. Believe me, I would love nothing more than them to go to their dads overnight however unfortunately that cant be the case at the moment.

@Seaoftroubles I don't imagine it will tense once he is eventually away from here and we have our own space. I may not even need to be fully there - just near by. I wish I could open up to explain the reasons why but I am not comfortable with it at the moment

Sounds like he is an alcoholic or addict? I’m so sorry if so, that is so hard on you

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this....

Sounds like your H might have substance abuse issues or similar pre-empting him from taking the kids overnight/s or weekends - You have absolutely done the right thing in asking him to leave if he is unable to change his poor choices and lifestyle and to not leave the DC with him

There will be support out there for mums in your situation - given you have 4 DC at that - and also probably are working at the very least part time to feed, clothe and shelter your family - call your local WA , talk to the council for financial options, citizens advice etc - there are benefits available for 'single' mums

Be open with people at your workplace about your current difficulties and give them a chance to support you, whether that be flexi time etc
Speak to family and friends nearby, do not try to do this all on your own. Your wellbeing and your DC's wellbeing are important.

How is your relationship with your H's family - could his parents /siblings be supportive with having DC over a few evenings to help you out , can they be trusted?

How old is your oldest one

@minipie life is tough.. and even tougher when you don't have anyone to turn to, talk to or even a shoulder to cry on. I know this needs to happen for the both of us but it is so hard. I can't imagine life without him. I feel vulnerable, broken and lost.

@DexterMorgansmum my relationship with my husbands mum is good however she doesn't keep well so asking her to have the children overnight is not possible.
I do have my mum but it is a lot to ask for her to look after 4 children. I know she would do it though.
I am currently not working. I have bene a SAHM since I had children. It wasn't feasible for us both to work unfortunately. I am aware of what I am entitled to. I have looked at all the information and sought advice in regards to that.
I don't really have anyone to turn to. My mum knows a little of what is going on, just not fully. My mother in law is the same but she has washed her hands of him pretty much.
I never imagined to be in this situation and it is brutal. A life you once imagined crushed in an instant.

OP , would it help to put 'divorce' on the backburner now and just think of current scenario as 'separated'

You have done the right thing getting him to leave/supporting him in leaving and it looks like both of you have agreed on 'custody' during this separation period

Maybe let him work on his problems and sorting them now and just stay separated for a year, then have the Divorce conversation

I say this only because the practical aspects of being a single mother with 4 DC is something you can focus on for the time being, leaving the final severance on your marriage / emotional grieving of the marriage break up to when you are both stronger and also with a clearer perspective that it is definitely the right decision long term. In reality you do not need to file divorce papers the same day that you both start living separately ?

@DexterMorgansmum absolutly... divorce papers isn't something I have even thought about yet and its not something I intend to think about for a little while yet. I think the thought of us living in seperate homes is hard enough at the moment. It just feels so final. I know in time I will be ok. It just feels really difficult to feel positive at the moment. I know so many other people are likely going through similar situations but I feel so alone in it all and feel like there is no way no one else can feel as bad as me which is so ignorant. Of course there is others who feel as bad, maybe even worse than me and there is so much worse things going on around the world that I really should be grateful for what I do have. I have 4 wonderful healthy children and a warm lovely home. It's just a struggle and a horrible feeling to feel you weren't enough. Ive had months of hope and constant disappointments. I feel so let down by the one person who I thought would always be by my side. The worst part about it I know how much he loves me. Sometimes love just isn't enough to save someone.

I am so sorry for the long rant

OP, l understand if you don't want to divulge the details of events that have led to him leaving. For now though you need to gather your strength and steadily work out steps for moving forward. I would advise you to confide in your mum and enlist her support just so you don't feel so alone. If your mother in law has washed her hands of your husband too then confide in her also so at least you have two family members onside. Don't try to shoulder this alone.