Hi, not sure what I'm after really. Spoke to an old friend last night and reflecting on our friendship and how our lives differ. And if we'd still be friends if there wasn't so much shared history and also how to support a friend without compromising myself.
Disclaimer - I have used co pilot to tidy this up as it was just a stream of consciousness.
I have been best friends with her for nearly twenty years sinceour teens, and we know each other inside out. Our conversations are enriching and stimulating, as we share many interests in books, films, television, history, views on issues. Because she lives about four hours away, we mostly connect by phone.
She has a young daughter and is a devoted, loving mum. To cover her bills, she works three minimum-wage jobs - pub shifts, night-time car park security, and support work. She's often exhausted when we do catch up. Her life feels very hard compared to her younger years, when she lived abroad, partied a lot, and graduated with a 2:1 from a Russell Group university. She has never been a “9–5 type,” but more of a daydreamer who values flexibility.
Her partner is hot-headed, arrogant and disrespectful, and I do not like him. Much of our monthly phone catch-ups revolve around his overbearing mother or their arguments. She has invited me to visit her new house, but I am reluctant to go. I do not enjoy being around her partner, and I worry it would be a weekend of not doing much because she rarely plans ahead. I remember visiting her years ago and being dragged around house viewings because she had them scheduled qnd forgot they clashed. In her younger days of house-sharing, she often had conflicts with housemates, likely because she is headstrong and difficult to share space with.
Her relationship with her own family is tense. Her mum is erratic and tends to favour her sister. I suspect she may be neurodiverse in some way. She has been treated for anxiety and depression, and she struggles with punctuality, day-to-day organisation, looking after a home and maintaining friendships.
Despite these difficulties, she remains witty, inquisitive, and interesting to talk to. She was a good friend when it mattered most, she travelled to my mum’s funeral, gave me space for my grief in our conversations, and made me feel seen. Sometimes I feel worn out after talking to her, as the conversations often circle around drama or struggles. I am getting married, and she is thrilled for me. Ordinarily, it would make sense to ask her to be a bridesmaid, but I am not doing traditional bridesmaids anyway, and I feel she would struggle with the responsibility and reliability. I worked hard for a promotion in work recently and felt reluctant to share it knowing how difficult her job history has been, I did tell her but felt that she wasn't overly enthusiastic.
I would love to suggest a weekend away for just the two of us so we could have quality time together, but I know money is tight for her, which makes it complicated. Honestly, I think we might have lost touch over the years if I had not been the one putting in the effort to keep the friendship alive.
On the other hand, I have a corporate 9-5, haven't lived abroad, stayed in my uni town but have travelled, had many experiences and lots of friends. I do crave structure and stability and my friend once made a passing remark that my life was boring in our twenties.