Cheating, broken trust and repeated cycle

[Daretodancetthetied]

Hey everyone, my head is a total mess...

So I found out my wife was messaging her ex behind my back, more information about this progressively came out it wasn't all found out at one go as my wife tried to hide as much as she could. Through all this I have discover that this is a repeated cycle from them, pre us they slept together behind the ex's partners back and the year previously they have exchanged sexuel text/photos behind partners backs, I've saw the messages. Although their recent conversation didn't go as far is this they spoke about the last time they slept together, they made comments that shouldn't be made. My wife has said this was a moment of madness and she only wants me however has admitted to being attracted to this ex on and of throughout the years. Even though she says this was a massive mastake and she can't believe she nearly lost our family, I just keep going back to what seems like an obvious cycle between them, she says she thinks they just use one another when one of them needs attention but it just doesn't sit right with me. My self esteem was already low after having our baby and my body changing but this has totally thrown me. Looking for other views on this, my head and heart just aren't matching right now

If she can see the cycle and acknowledges they continue to use each other, meaning their relationship is therefore open ended: and can see how this hurts you and damages your relationships she should be ending the relationship she has with her ex.

This isn’t about one person being insecure or the right to remain friends with an ex. The history of their specific relationship makes continuing that relationship alongside yours untenable. I think it could only work if she found someone who wasn’t particularly invested in a relationship with her

She has removed her from everything and said they won't speak again however I am struggling to believe that's it now after so many years of back and forth between them and by years I'm meaning at least 20. I am the longest relationship my wife has had, we are married and have a child. I've never had an issue with her speaking to ex's it seems to be the weird lesbian norm, it's just not my experience and I wouldn't want to be any part of my ex's lives. I do have an issue now and I feel like it makes me look so crazy that after 6 years I'm like... Erm don't like you talking or having ex's on socials. She has since deleted them on not because I ask purely just after me saying how I felt about it. I feel like its made me mental, when I didn't used to be like this at all.

I know that feeling, the feeling you are mental. That’s what happens when you don’t trust them anymore and really want to. You try to rationalise and use logic to make yourself trust them and that’s what drives you nuts because once trust is gone it’s gone for good.

People can argue that with counselling, time , working on the relationship trust can be rebuilt. But they will also say it will never be entirely the same. To me that is replacing trust with something else.

It's such a horrible feeling to doubt yourself, I am so mad that it's all mad me feel like a different person. Yes, I agree when trust is gone it's gone. She has mentioned counselling and I am happy to try but the reality is our relationship will now never be what it was. She also keeps saying to me, but we didn't sleep together or physically cheat and it infuriates me, it almost feels like a justification from her. It's so hard as I just do not know where we go from here at all. It's not just us either, we have our little one too.

I do sympathise. At least your relationship hasn’t come to the shocking abrupt end that we often read about on here. You have time to work out the best way of parting with your daughter in mind. I hope it’s as painless as possible for all of you

Well yeah I've had many of them in the past, Thank you 💜