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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I have kept it to myself?

17 replies

searching123 · 03/12/2025 00:00

Sorry to post about this but really struggling with a few things and need some advice..

Me and my partner are going through a really rough time and breakup has been on the cards.. we haven't had sex in three weeks but then tonight we started kissing- I got excited because I've been longing to have sex with him.: but then he kind of pushed himself into me giving him oral.. he finished and I felt really upset...he did try and cuddle me afterwards but I felt low as I wanted to be close with him.

i told him I felt sad as it just felt like he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.. he got annoyed and ended up saying we don't have fun anymore and it's 'not hot' and I'm just down all the time and 'when am I not down?' and he can't continue to be my emotional punching bag...

i know it all sounds so shit but was I wrong to share it? Should I just have not said anything and kept the fact I was upset about that to myself?

OP posts:
Bungle2168 · 03/12/2025 00:03

You said yourself a breakup has been on the cards. 2026 will arrive soon. Time to reclaim your life.

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 00:05

It sounds like a break-up might be the best thing that could happen to you. He is selfish, uncaring and insensitive. You are not. You can do better, and be happier than this.

DuchessDandelion · 03/12/2025 00:07

but then he kind of pushed himself into me giving him oral

What do you mean by this? We're you happy to do this?

WallaceinAnderland · 03/12/2025 00:11

I'm not sure how that happened. Did you not want to do it?

Original poster
searching123 · 03/12/2025 00:16

No it's fine.. it's just something he likes doing - we were kissing and he just kind of moved himself into that position.. it wasn't forceful or against my will.. I was just hoping that we would have had sex after not having it for so long and felt sad that he would choose to do that rather than us have sex..

OP posts:
LonelyPotato · 03/12/2025 00:27

He’s put himself in the position to get what he wants and didn’t even return the favour, never mind progress to sex. He’s shown you that his needs trump anything you’d like him to reciprocate, and wouldn’t even lead to sex. It sounds like he’s checked out lovely. Don’t let him do that to you again. You’ve done nothing wrong! You should speak out, in fact speak out and tell him to sling his hook as he’ll not just be getting what he wants again. Make your plans to get out of this and escape.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/12/2025 00:29

You know it's ok to just stop and change what you're doing right? Like you can do that for a bit if you're happy to and then you can switch to something else.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/12/2025 01:30

LTB. What a selfish prick.

MidnightMeltdown · 03/12/2025 01:50

I’ve never known a man receive oral and not give it back. That alone is a major red flag. Then again, I would never give a man oral unless he went first. You feel upset because he’s using you and not considering your feelings.

Zanatdy · 03/12/2025 06:18

MidnightMeltdown · 03/12/2025 01:50

I’ve never known a man receive oral and not give it back. That alone is a major red flag. Then again, I would never give a man oral unless he went first. You feel upset because he’s using you and not considering your feelings.

Edited

There are so many men who don’t give oral. In fact guy I was seeing recently on and off is the only man i’ve been with that always gives oral and never expects it back every time. Most men i’ve been in relationships with swerve oral. In my wisdom now i’d refuse to give it if they didn’t return it. Very selfish sexual behaviour.

Dery · 03/12/2025 07:33

He sounds neglectful, selfish and bullying. Sounds like you would be better off out of this relationship.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/12/2025 07:49

we don't have fun anymore and it's 'not hot' and I'm just down all the time and 'when am I not down?' and he can't continue to be my emotional punching bag...

Translation from Selfish:
"It's extremely inconvenient that you are a human being with needs of your own and that you expect me to not only recognise this, and to actually meet those needs, but you feel free to mention it to me. How dare you! I will now punish you by playing the victim to ensure you never again raise any dissatisfaction with this relationship (which may I remind you exists purely to serve me.) "

Original poster
searching123 · 03/12/2025 10:08

Thankyou everyone for your replies.. so you don't think I was being over sensitive about the fact he just wanted oral rather than sex after three weeks?

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/12/2025 17:50

searching123 · 03/12/2025 10:08

Thankyou everyone for your replies.. so you don't think I was being over sensitive about the fact he just wanted oral rather than sex after three weeks?

No, you are not overreacting. He wanted to use your mouth as a wank sheath, and this conveniently meant that he didn't have to look you in the eye, kiss you, embrace you, or have you embrace him, all of which deliver the "bonding" aspects of having sex. He deliberately denied you what you craved.

canuckup · 03/12/2025 17:57

No. We don't. Find another fella

StruggleFlourish · 03/12/2025 21:02

It's been said so well by previous posters, I'm just going to say, I hope that you spend the next few weeks tidying up any loose threads that you need to to get out of this relationship and start 2026 fresh and that you will find happiness

Original poster
searching123 · 04/12/2025 10:54

Thankyou so much everyone for your replies, I'm really grateful 🙏

OP posts:
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