All in-laws moving onto my doorstep

[Lisaann83]

Years ago we relocated a couple of hours away to start a family and be close to new jobs. My in-laws went from being normally dispersed across a region, to all relocating and living within a few streets of us. We live in a really large town and It’s wild they would pick that proximity - siblings and partners came, and MIL now has a holiday home. When living that close there is expectation that everyone is together doing the same thing for any occasion. It’s sweet but it’s suffocating, There are family members who like organising and they dominate. there is little independence unless I go rogue which earns me an antisocial reputation. I wouldn’t mind so much if they were maybe 5 minute drive away but this whole setup feels oppressive. The siblings moved so close because my MIL convinced them they couldn’t cope with a baby unless they live right next door to relatives. My kids are older now, baby years are well behind me. I work full time and my health is failing. I am maxed out and my relationship is neglected, I’m so frustrated my MIL would badge the situation as us being able to help out the younger siblings without a reality check. Neither my husband or I have energy or time to babysit their babies and my eldest is at an age where he can be left alone. it only adds work and we are already drowning. They are also unreliable so my husband won’t trust them with anything important. They’ll happily socialise but they don’t help each other out with practical tasks - so you’ll never see a sibling helping another with DIY projects. Apart from the odd nice conversation, I am only getting negatives from this arrangement and it affects my wellbeing. When I try to be clear with boundaries, that just upsets the in-laws. It’s weird for my husband too as he never imagined this, but his health is not in the same place. I actually want to move away now. How do you maintain boundaries and protect your needs in such such close proximity, without being hated for it?

Ooh, that sounds difficult! I would feel the same way you do, I think.
How do the conversations/requests for babysitting (for example) go? Maybe we could suggest things you could say to shut them down.

I don’t have a solution but if it suited me, and I was financially able, I’d move away. However, that seems wrong as why should you, if you chose that location originally.

God what a nightmare. It might help to make peace with the antisocial reputation, which is unfair but better than having people up in your space all the time. This level of intrusion would fuck me up Do what works for you and be assertive is probably the only advice!

Keep being clear with your boundaries and if they get upset, then they do. You're entitled to spend your time with people when and if you want to and they can either like it or lump it. You don't have to live to please them.

move to the country side? Or the edge of town?

I think you have to let go of how they feel about your boundaries, or you'll never get anywhere, because these people are never going to be happy with you for not succumbing to what they want. It's just not going to happen.
You need to choose what's more important, being approved of by them, or living your life on your terms. Might not be easy either way.

I would move away if you can?

i Think to make living that close to family work, you can’t be all polite and English about things. Just tell them you need space when you need it.

also - if your children are getting older - might they be able to babysit for a bit of money at some point in the next few years? It’ll get easier and then you might be quite glad to have family close.

it actually sounds like you and DH have bigger problems with working too much and health etc. I wonder if you need to be focussing on that?

Plus I know it’s quite a way in the future but at some point your kids will move out and on and it might be quite nice to have a ready made social life in walking distance - it’s hard sometimes to imagine that life and priorities will change again. I love my kids to the moon but I’m trying to keep in mind that one day they won’t be around in the same way and therefore I’m trying to hold on to a bit of life outside of them and work.

It sounds awful and I’d hate that sort of arrangement. I’d definitely move house to get away from it all.

I don’t think you should have to move, I’d just always tell them health wise you can’t. So I wish I could but my x is acting up. It’s not an excuse it’s the truth. Sometimes honestly just go to bed- I can’t I need a nap as my x is awful today. And talk about your and your dh’s health more ‘you’re so lucky you don’t have x it’s exhausting’.

we had similar and moved overseas 😄

So what if they get upset? You are not responsible for their inability to respect your boundaries or regulate their emotions. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated by them.

You have to state your boundaries, stick to them and then - here’s the crucial bit - learn not to care what they say about you. Whether you’re antisocial / unhelpful etc etc

accept:

• they will never see your side of things
• you having boundaries is inconvenient to them
• you won’t get their reassurance, high regard or approval - so don’t look for it
• learn to do the things you and husband want to without reference to their convenience

A measures of you succeeding will be you’ve pissed them off. Good luck!!

I know what you mean but if I even remotely liked them or enjoyed them in that way then I wouldn’t be in this position at all, it’s very upsetting. I would never want them as my social circle. They steamroller every occasion we have to look forward to. Living this close they are effectively part of the household instead of a frequent visitor and they act that way 😟

What do they do? Keep asking you to babysit? Turn up without notice? Our daughters chose to live in the same town as us but I like to think we are all pretty respectful of boundaries. If you don’t get on that well with them just refuse invites to do things and say you can’t babysit. Yes you may be unpopular but presumably you won’t mind that as they may then leave you alone. Moving is a bit drastic.