Man with past

[Crazyblondie]

Hey,im feeling very lost and wanted input.
My past..met and married my ex husband at 16 ..rewind to middle 30s and he left me and our 2 boys homeless and penniless.ive had to get on the housing list and relocate to a different area away from everyone in my life. I met a guy we have been together two years now and the conversation of the future has come up a few times but eveytime we have this talk especially with moving intogether one day/marriage..he says he wants to but I come away feeling like hes just saying it to keep me if that makes sense.He has a son and hes told me his life work etc is the way ...the way i used to live and ive come back and said furthest id move is a specific area as we have all been through enough with relocating.But hes been through so much with losing houses to women 3 or 4 times,abused mentally, hurt...that hes in no rush for marriage or moving in together but would like to One day and work towards that once all the peices come together.im almost left thinking to myself ..what is this guy doing looking for a relationship with anyone in the first place if hes so scared to take next steps,surly from the start he must think women in there 30+ will have kids and want to move in with someone they love or am i so old school and people have relatioships where they see eachother around there children as often as they can??And now im starting to think is it best ,especially after eveything me and my boys have been through ,to think differently and always keep my own house and never move in or get married again and keep all that separate in any relationship as ive not known diffent..is this the modern way couples do things? We talk all week and we see eachother weekends and involve the boys etc and that's all great but I cant see things moving past that for a long time and hes now putting me off going that way with anyone.

He is telling you what he needs. Believe him

What is it you want? Because he’s not moving in with you. If this is important to you, you need to find someone else. He’s future faking.

Some couples do live apart and that works for them. It wouldn’t for me. Having done this in my last relationship I wanted to progress from just dating to blend lives and live together. But he kept me very separate from his family and the rest of his life. I now know it was because I was never a priority, just someone to see occasionally when he had nothing better to do.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing a man when his actions don’t align. If he wanted to plan a future with you, he would.

I don't think it matters whether this is the modern way people do things or not - what is it that you want? If it were me, with two children, and some security of my own, I would not want to risk that or complicating my children's lives (blended families can be an emotional minefield) for a man (who if past experience or MN is any guide may or may not be there in a few years). So, perhaps instead of just going with the standard template of relationship progression, ask yourself what it is it that you want and your children need, and if what you have with this man fits the bill or not.

"But hes been through so much with losing houses to women 3 or 4 times,abused mentally, hurt..."

I'd be more concerned about that. What's his backstory. Why has he lost houses to 3 or 4 women and what does he mean by abused? Does he pay for his son and see him regularly?

I think he is being honest about where he is at. I also think that there isn’t anything wrong with you wanting to move on with someone, we all have that natural urge to be at home with a partner and get that routine and comfort.

In reality though that blending can be difficult, lengthy and painful.