Feeling so deflated

[lucasnorth]

DH and I have been together over 20 years. One DC at uni and one doing A levels.

We argue quite a lot. Mostly about who does what in the house (I feel that he thinks his time and effort are more valuable then mine, although we both have full time jobs). Also about how tightly to control DC screen time and their life choices.

We had a particularly bad patch this time last year, and have been doing couples counselling which ends this week. I really thought we had made progress. In understanding each other a bit better, and in not arguing as heatedly when we did disagree. When we left the session last week we talked about how much better things were.

But I came home last night. It was late, it was pissing it down, and the bins were still out the front. When I got upstairs he asked why I was grumpy and I said it was because I’d just had to do the bins, late, in the rain. It wasn’t a particularly heartfelt complaint, he asked why I was grumpy and I told him. But that then turned into a massive rant from him, and he called me a bitch.

I’m so upset. I’m at work today and I can’t really focus. He wouldn’t say that to anyone else and I feel like he must really despise me to have gone straight to that, over a nothing argument where we hadn’t even raised our voices. I’ve spent basically my entire adult life with him. But I’m not sure I can take 30-40 years with someone who doesn’t respect me.

Just after a hand hold really. Need to go back to the office again now with my game face on and pretend I’m fine and full of energy when I just want to curl up in bed

So, you provoked him to react really? Has the counselling finishing left you feeling like, so what’s next? Should you just split

It must be frustrating to feel that your husband isn't doing his share of the housework. My sympathies to you.

You could draw up a rota as to who does what, delegate tasks. For example one of you could be responsible for: mopping the floors, cleaning the kitchen. The other could be responsible for vacuuming, tidying the children's bedrooms. You could take it in turns on alternate weeks to put the bins out.

Are you both working full time? Would it be possible to hire a cleaner?

How did OP provoke her H to react?

She expressed justified disappointment that he hadn't done a household task she had every right to have expected her H already to have done, especially given she thought the councilling had improved this aspect of their relationship.

Thanks all. One of our incompatibilities is our attitude to lists (he can’t abide them). We do have a cleaner once a week so our disagreements are around the edges rather than things that are particularly time consuming. It’s his attitude to me that’s upsetting me, the who does what is just the medium through which it comes up, if that makes sense

He shouldn’t ever be calling you names. Does he often do that, or is it unusual?
Sometimes couples just can’t get past bickering and arguing over the same things like housework. Personally I let a lot of that stuff go because I think it’s just not worth arguing about constantly at the end of the day, but other people can’t do that.
Name calling is never ok.

Why did you bring the bins in? Why not leave them for him to do whenever instead of doing it for him?

Why does he have to do the bins?

OP, you know the answer. He wants you to know your place, and you can't face it yet (because it's painful to accept that he sees you as inferior). I've been through exactly the same thing, and it took me years to finally detach and leave. One day things clicked and I just knew I couldn't live like that anymore. Hope you get there. It's painful but the cognitive dissonance of gaslighting yourself is worse.

Oh my God, can we never just offer some comfort and sympathy to an OP who’s struggling?

Do we really need to take her to task for either (a) provoking her shitty husband who she should have known would fly off the handle and call her a bitch or (b) bringing the bins in rather than leaving them out and passive aggressively waiting to see when he got round to it?

I get it, OP. It feels horrible to live with someone with a shitty temper who can’t collaborate. Over the long term it certainly reduces your ability to be bright and breezy and let things go - because you realise after a while you’re not letting things go but shutting down and abandoning yourself.

Forget the bin.
The bin is a red herring.
She could have been grumpy because she's done any shitty, boring task and when asked she said why she wasn't a beacon for light.

He got defensive and called OP a bitch.

Not okay.
I had a similar thing, but DH called me much worse & I left. As it was the first time in 10y I did decide to go back & move on, but it's shit to think that's what they silently mutter in their brains when unhappy. It changes things.

How, an earth did he turn a normal, grumpy comment turn into a massive rant where he called you a bitch? Thats totally unacceptable OP, no wonder you are upset. If you have tried couples counselling l'm not sure what else is left. It sounds like he hasn't learnt anything about communication if he's shouting and calling you names.
Men who hate lists never want to be called to account or admit they are slacking off from doing their share! He sounds entitled and unable to cooperate or collaborate. Don't sweep this under the carpet OP, that's what he wants. Time to decide what you really want.

So, you expressed some disatisfaction and he escalated it into calling you a bitch and making you very unhappy.

I bet now you just feel like there's no point in even telling him when you're unhappy. Next time you'll just do the bins to prevent the outburst. Win for him. Loss for you.

I would put money on this osrt of thing being a feature in the past and what was supposed to be addressedin conselling but instead, it became "it's a two way street" and "we need to communicate better" with you doing all theheavy lifting of taking responsibility and making changes.

What NewCushions wrote.

What are you getting out of this relationship now OP?. What is in this still for you?.

In addition I wonder what your DC think of you both. They likely know far more about the state of your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise. And why are there issues over their screen time and life choices; is this coming mainly from him?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I can see both sides here, but he definitely shouldn't have called you names.

It's not nice for someone to come back from work, go into the house and instantly be aggy/humpy about something. You could have had a few pleasantries about your day and then mentioned the bins. I'd be pissed off if DH marched in and started going on about bloody bins to be fair.

Now you've given counselling a go, can you see a future with him? Nobody's perfect, but why the name calling? Does he call you names in general?

Ask him what he truly thinks of you. I would.

What time do you finish work

Thanks everyone. Sorry for radio silence only just finished work.
Lots to think about. Thanks to those who recognised how I am feeling (it feels so validating to be seen and understood) and also those who didn’t, but took time out of their day to reply.
I think the reason I’ve felt this so hard, is that I do need to think seriously now about what is next. We have a massive shared history together and I do love him, and that is worth a lot. The name calling is infrequent but I can’t help feeling that the attitude underlying it must surely be there all the time.

He was angry with himself (for forgetting the bins), and defensive. Which is fair enough. But calling you a bitch was not. It's not YOUR fault that he forgot the bins, and that's what would worry me - his go-to is to make it your fault when he screws up.