Some of you have it SO much worse but I need help with HOW to deal with my MIL

[Pruners]

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I wouldn't confront her, as it seems to me that with her personality, it probably wouldn't make any difference.

I would simply refuse all offers of help and accept that you cannot rely on her. It is a shame, but it is a right arse with the cancelling and back and forth and whatnot surely?

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don't be snotty then, be honest

"when you cancelled yesterday it made me feel quite desperate actually. I was really relying on you coming round to give me some time to XYZ and I found it very hard to cope when you didn't come. If we make an arrangement for you to come round, it's really important to me that you stick to it in future. Can you do that?"

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well sod her then
if you can't rely on her, you can't
I don;t think you can get the situation how you want it - she clearly doesn't really give a stuff about this I'm afraid
I would consider saying it anyway just so things were clear between us and I didn't have to play this game anymore

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well I think it is all awful and I would struggle massively and probably do nothing

but I think what you SHOULD do is either say your bit, get it all straight between you and stop the pissing around

or accept she is hopeless on this issue, find a way to let it go over your head and just ignore the life out of it

when she emails to say she's got SO much done, she's so glad she cancelled, i'd email her back and say 'i'm glad you managed to get things done. unfortunately i've been unable to do x yet again / had to ask someone else for help...'

i just wouldn't let her get away with thinking she's always doing you a favour.

and i definitely think getting her to help out when you've got an important appointment is a good ploy.

another strategy is to explain that you have to organise your time because the dc's are SUCH a handful you can't sit at home all day, you need to get them out of the house. therefore you need notice for when she's going to help out. can she help out every second thursday morning for 3 hours?

that way you make it a standing arrangement that she can't suddenly cancel at the last minute without good reason.

if none of these things work, then i'm very sorry to say but i think you should not ask at all, and when she offers say 'thanks, but i need more notice if you're going to help out, and i need to be able to rely on you.' bluntly - like that. practice for a couple of days if you need to.

my mil was quite like yours, and i did tell her just that and it helped. i was very mad by the time i got up the courage to though...

my mil thinks that pnd is caused by lack of sleep. thanks for helping out then when i needed her most!

So Pruners, does she tell all and sundry how much she helps you and how you would be lost without her? The woman must seriously be deluding herself. Offering to help so she feels better, as if she has "done" something and then having something unavoidable come up so she couldn't do it, not that it would be her fault of course.

Not sure you could say anything that would get through to her and satisfy you at the same time.

I would tell her you are very pleased at her offer of help and ask her if she can commit to taking the DC every thursday (for example) from x to y time. If she can't or cancels the first date tell her not to bother to offer anymore as you are fed up of being pissed about with.
Really it's like a slap in the face what she's doing.

Next time she lets you down, send her the bill for the imaginary emergency childcare that you had to pay for!

Not really a serious suggestion, but I really don't know what else to suggest.

I think you can get away with being quite direct (rude?) if you paste on a big bright breezy smile.

'Oh that's very kind of you, but we'd be so stuck if you cancel like you did last week that it's probably best if we just muddle on'.

Repeat every time she offers - eventually either she'll stop offering (& you won't have to play her silly game) or it'll penetrate & she'll start genuinely committing to help & sticking to it.

prune

i wish i had a mother/motherIL who would take my children for a few hours

and i KNOW what you mean about needing to do the house - i have mismatching curtains, light switches that dont work, bulbs that have sat needing changed for weeks but i just dont have the time. and come teatime i think "er waht will i feed them tonight" everything is covered in fingermarks but bar supergluing the windowlene to my hand i just cant keep on top of it

so anyway

WHAT DAY WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO COLLECT DS? [SMILE]

I AM VERY RELIABLE [GRIN]

and i wont take no for an answer

ps i love ravens post just before mine there

id use that line