Festive Fury - let it all out here

[Unexpectedromantic]

I will start first. My mother is hard work. She has alienated our father, entire extended family and all my siblings (all firmly noncontact). This makes Christmas a hot topic because she lives alone, she has no friends, and her neighbours despise her (it's mutual)

Normally, she is happy with this setup because nobody can police her drinking, but at Christmas she suddenly gets a bee in her bonnet about playing happy families.

I've spent the last week listening to passive-aggressive moans about the fact that we won't go and get her (she wants one of us to drive three hours to arrive at hers first thing in the morning, drive three hours back to ours because we are hosting family, then around 5 o'clock drive three hours to drop back home because she only wants to sleep in her own bed) 12 Solid hours of driving - there are ownly 2 of us in the house and four Guests (mother-in-law father-in-law & two friends of the family - All of which are staying for a couple of days)

Long gone are the days when, as a people pleaser, I would have probably done this to keep her on her good side. She is perfectly capable of using public transport, but has decided she prefers the convenience and comfort of being chauffeured, which a good and proper daughter should offer to do. (And if she uses public transport, she has to stay here for a couple of days, and she only wants to sleep in her own bed)

Bearing in mind that she has an invitation to come to the house. This is all I've heard all week:

About how lonely she will be
How she's going to be a poor little old lady left on her own on Christmas Day
How other families make time for their parents and grandmas
She has all these expensive gifts, and now she won't give them (barefaced lie)
In her day, people used to go out of their way for family
Family is so disposable these days
Nobody respects their elders any more
Broken Britain - is because people don't put family and communities first
Good daughters, 'insert whatever she wants me to do here' do this unquestionably if they love their mother
Offering to pay for time and petrol (barefaced lie)
Then getting upset that I was 'making her, a poor pensioner' pay for time and petrol, normal people don't do that to their parents

It is testing my well-worn grey rock and my patience considerably.

*Note, there is no physical or medical reason for her to need to sleep in her own bed; it is purely a preference

It's hard being the last one left but really your mother is not worth bothering about. So you need to ask yourself why you bother with her now. Perhaps it is a combination of fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons your mother installed into you.

Ultimately you're going to have to do what these other people have done and have no contact with her.

our father, entire extended family and all my siblings (all firmly noncontact)

You know who hasn't listened to her insufferable and self-serving moans all week? All of these people, who had the right idea all along and who should you should see as golden examples, OP.

TW - Emotional/Physical distress of an elderly person

The problem is she has literally nobody.

In this instance, the fear, obligation and guilt comes out of a very specific set of circumstances and have more to do with her falling or becoming unwell and being left undiscovered (which happened to her mother, who was found by me, whenI happened to pop in unannounced, in a terrible condition several days after she fell, with open wounds, soiled and in pain/terrified)

My mother is a horrible person. She’s been angry with me my whole life and is unreasonable, bitter, miserable, unkind and spiteful. Luckily she is not here for Christmas. She is old and I’m hoping I never see her again.

She has nobody because she has driven practically everyone else away by her selfish actions.

And although what happened to your nan was both awful and unfortunate, it does not necessarily follow that this same scenario would happen again. Your mother for instance could wear a medical help type pendant for help to be sent when the button being pressed.

You already have physical distance and now you need to put more mental distance between you and she. It's not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

She's lonely because her drinking and complaining and wild expectations and treatment of others have alienated everyone around her.

You can't fix that. Follow the examples of the rest of your family. It's not like she's going to change.