How to proceed from here....

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Posting in here as I don't fancy being flamed in AIBU. Will preface by saying I am ND and have a significant history of trauma - abusive alcoholic father who died when I was young, abusive relationship of my own, years of bullying due to undiagnosed ND, etc. I have had a ton of therapy, take meds, and despite everything I've come out a lot better than most in my situation (professional job, mortgage, master's degree, etc.).

The problem is with my mum. I absolutely love her dearly and she is the closest person to me in the world (only child) and when we get on, we really get on. But she acknowledges she added to my trauma by being unavailable physically and emotionally during my childhood. The main issue is I feel that I've never been good enough no matter what I do - e.g. 99% on an exam and was questioned why not 100%, my most recent relationship - yes now ended - but I was very happy to start with yet she was disappointed he wasn't a doctor or lawyer (tradesman). I fee like there's so much I could have done with my life that I never have due to the fear of disappointing her or letting her down.

My 40th birthday is later this month and we had a day out in a big city - drinking - this weekend. I was already stressed as had been left to organise it all myself and also work have been massively piling on the pressure lately. I also had two friends drop out with really lame excuses on the day itself, which made me feel a bit let down. The issue is that my mum hates me drinking - admittedly I'm not a great drunk - but I had thought that for one day she'd keep quite, instead of making barbed comments at me which then I got upset over on our way home. I have apologised by text and got an 'Ok x' - but I'm dreading seeing her as I know I'm in for another lecture.

Sorry I know I've rambled on enough but I feel better getting this out there. I know this sounds pathetic but as I've said about I had to organise everything, pay deposits, etc. for my own birthday, even buying myself a crown to wear. The one thing I asked for was a balloon - but no sign of one on the day. It just emphasises to me how little she gives a shit at the moment.

I just don't know how to stand up to her without it being a huge issue. Other family agree with me but won't step in as they want to avoid conflict. I feel like a sad, small, pathetic and lonely child right now.

Honestly, the best way to address the issue is head on. Although timing may be the key!

We have a fortnight's holiday together the two of us starting next Monday... I don't want to make things worse before that!

My problem OP was never having the confidence to be myself. Not being confident to be myself infront of my family was the root of the problem. My family had an expectation of how I should behave, what I should feel etc based on what was convenient for them , what they wanted.
You are 40 now. Your life is your own to do what you want with. Please have the confidence to be yourself and not be what other people want you to be.

I only wish I could but I think it's gone so far now that I just don't know how to. A lot of the things that I wanted aren't open to me anymore - for example, I can't retrain as I would need to take a pay cut to half my wages. It would still be an ok wage to some but not for me with a big mortgage and debts from a previous relationship.

The huge irony of it is that it's really only my mum who is like this - partly I think because she knows she could have achieved so much more. She moved to London at 18 for a high flying job but was persuaded to come back to our small town and marry my dad at 21, who obviously turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. She didn't get a degree until 45+ and a career after that. I feel awful saying it but I'm the biggest achiever within the rest of the family in terms of career/financial success, etc. so to them I'm doing better than they ever thought I would.