Need to get it off my chest

[Lunalara]

Hey lovely Mumsnetters,

I really struggle to understand my boyfriend sometimes. Most of the time, he is really lovely towards me, encouraging me to be the best me, and supporting me with my mental health. However, when he isn’t doing that, he is blaming me for everything that goes wrong, including me not spreading butter the right way. His parents join in and blame me for everything too, even when I am away from the house.

I am shaking from fear. My life is pretty rubbish overall, and I am soon losing contact with a Russian friend over recent restrictions on WhatsApp. She is one of my last supportive friends. For the last week, I have been close to spiralling every day. I constantly feel like I am one thing going wrong away from having a meltdown. I don’t know how on earth I am going to make it through work this week.

When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship with a much older man. He went mad at me once for not stirring his tea right. It's been over 20 years but that particular incident still haunts me.. how can you stir tea wrong? It sits so uneasy with me still to this day. Your example of not spreading the butter right reminds me of this. If you think you're in an abusive relationship, get out of it.

The thing is he genuinely treats me well and we have a lot in common. But I feel so trapped with him and his parents when they start blaming me for everything going wrong, to the point that I blame myself even when it isn’t my fault.

Just ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

If the answer is no, then you don't have to stay in the relationship.

Abusive people can treat people well when it suits them. It doesn't mean they aren't abusive. There are many types of abuse.

You can find someone who treats you well without making you feel like shit at the same time.

Dear OP a question.... do you really think that your boyfriend is treating you well generally when he not only blames you for everything but also doesn't protect you from his parents doing this same thing? A boyfriend should be a protector... not a projecter of harm.

How much support with your mental health do you need?

I'm not asking because I'm implying this is your fault but because it suggests that you are quite vulnerable.

Most people, when only outlining two or three things that are good about their relationship, wouldn't list MH support. The fact that you have suggests to me that this is quite a prominent feature of your relationship and that you have become reliant on him for that support. Yet everything else you say about him suggests that he is contributing significantly to your poor mental health.

If you feel confused in a relationship it means the relationship isn't meeting your needs and isn't right for you.

I am seeking therapy, but the cbt waiting list is many months long, and there aren’t many people that I can trust in. I don’t always feel as though I can keep my feelings bottled in… I feel guilty about it, but don’t know what else I could do.

Outside of these moments, I have a happy relationship with my boyfriend. I am concerned that they will become more frequent in the future, but that is something I cannot really predict.

Can you move out and go home?

I predict they will become more frequent in the future, particularly after you've had kids with him. Fine if you want to live like that, but not fair for kids to be around conflict in their home.

Believe me I know. My parents had arguments nearly every day. I don’t understand what I did for this to happen.

Sorry but you’re being an idiot. He’s not loving and considerate. Yore shaking in fear with him… not normal. There’s a thread about a woman paralysed by her partner …want to end up like that? Seriously, leave.

How long have you been together. Do you live together, if you do can you move out and say you'd prefer a relationship living separately so you each have your own space. Then you can spread butter how you want. I always refused to live with boyfriends, can't stand a fucking man telling me what to do.

We have been waiting together for nearly 5 years. I am 28 and feeling like I am running out of time to meet someone to have a family with. Until I get a proper career, I am stuck with him, unless I decide to move home.

My ex used to tell me how brilliant I was, how I was capable of anything and he used to encourage me to go for it. I started 2 businesses and became very successful.

The same man used to tell me I was a soulless bitch who had impossibly high standards. That i should be more feminine, wear my hair how he liked it, stop expecting so much from him and try harder. He also controlled all the money brought in while he sat at home wanking off to porn in his man wank cave.

When did you realise that things couldn’t continue?

he and his family are abusive. You need to leave which I know is easier said than done. there will be times he is wonderful to you and makes you feel amazing but that is just the cycle of abuse.

please look at doing the freedom programme you can do it online

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Nobody should be living in fear OP, and right now you are living in an abusive household. Contact Women's Aid for support and get the hell away from them all. Your mental health will not improve until you do

@Lunalarayou realise it can't continue when you accept that you will be living like this forever. 10 years, 20 years, your entire future.
Imagine yourself happy. Living the life you want. You could have that instead.

Let’s be honest I need to give up the idea of having any sort of future for myself.

Why are you letting a worthless, fucking man take away your future. You work, can you move into a shared house, being a lodger works out cheaper than renting on your own. A life without kids (but you can have them later) is better than living with a shitty man breathing down your neck (sorry I don't understand why his parents are there).

Why the pity me party? Why do you at a mere 28 years of age need to give up on a future? Don’t you have any aspirations in life?

I did, but I found out too late that the field of my dream job (languages) was one that was not useful. Same story as a lot of people I guess. I was abused in the PGCE and nobody defended me. I have been emotionally abused by my dad and more recently my mum is forcing me to stop eating any treat. I guess all of this is making me depressed.

I have been struggling in life, even though I did really well academically. I struggled to make friends, struggled to have a boyfriend until university (not as uncommon as I thought, but still). Achieving a lot was the only thing giving me strength, but since graduating university, I haven’t found alternatives to languages.

I genuinely don’t want my life to be one giant pity party, but I don’t know how else I am supposed to respond to my circumstances. That’s why I am posting on Mumsnet and why I am persistently trying to get counselling even with all the obstacles to that too.

Sorry for the last post as it went slightly off topic. I am not confirmed to have audhd, but it’s pretty likely that I have it. Audhd plus trauma from constant abuse has been really difficult. I have been hoping and praying that my boyfriend isn’t abusive, but I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of abuse either. That’s why I wanted to talk about this specific issue.

While true, the alternative isn’t just no kids. It’s going back to my parents and becoming their live in carers. I don’t know if I could try house sharing with strangers again after some traumatic experiences.