Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I trust him? Was his ex living with him?

40 replies

CatzAndDogs · 30/11/2025 21:07

Met DP 18 months ago on dating app after divorce. He said he'd bought his ex out and bought her a flat, he lived with the kids . When we first met we'd always meet in hotels because his ex stayed at his when looking after kids because her place was really small. But she had a full on bed behind the sofa with loads of clothes, make up in bathroom, bras drying on radiator etc. After a year I told him it seemed weird that she had so much stuff at his ,and that she needed to have kids at hers. He said I was being paranoid. When she was abroad i was at his house all the time. When she came back, he said i couldn't stay at his because his kids were suddenly weirded out by me staying there. Lately I looked on rightmove and her flat (he told me where she lives) was sold 6 months ago, not the 2 years he told me. Which was exactly when all her stuff disappeared from his house and he told me that was because he did what I asked and told her to move it. Recently I told him about the rightmove thing and he blew up, told me I was trying to make trouble and the rightmove thing was probably because she'd remortgaged. Does it matter anyway? There's other stuff too. I'm convinced she was living with him and he says that's crazy. I've decided not to say anything to him about it anymore because it just causes problems but I can't shake that gut feeling he lied to my face.

OP posts:
Fallshealing · 01/12/2025 23:59

@CatzAndDogs the fact his kids were weirded out so you can't stay at his would be enough to realise this relationship is going no where.

Mapleunicorn · 02/12/2025 00:13

CatzAndDogs · 01/12/2025 22:58

I'm struggling to accept what's staring me in the face. Why?

  1. Relationship started so full on, so intense, he couldn't get enough of me, we spent so much time on msg, phone, meeting up, it was amazing and I thought it was something special. But also he gave me a really hard time about my ex dh, he was convinced we were still together and he was very paranoid about it. He's recently stopped this altogether and the peace is wonderful. But I'm confused why he suddenly changed his attitude and its making me question everything, including all this stuff with his ex. And there's other stuff too that rings alarm bells. Suddenly his sex drive has disappeared etc. But he has a plausible answer to everything.
  2. Why would he go to all this trouble lying? Now and in the past. That's what he tells me, he says if there was someone else he'd just leave. And it's true, we're not married, no kids together, no ties. I'm not all that, lookswise. Got no money or assets lol. If he wanted to he could get another woman no problem so I'm confused why he would still be with me if he'd got all this going on.
  3. I'm just worried I'm throwing something away because I'm losing the plot and its my problems trusting people.

Point number 1 is VERY telling. He gave you a hard time because it’s exactly what he was doing. It’s like when men cheat they start accusing their partner of cheating. It’s projection. And then when she did finally move out, he stopped being weird with you about it as it was no longer what he was doing, hence the sudden peace.

CatzAndDogs · 02/12/2025 19:29

SandyY2K · 01/12/2025 23:08

How old are his kids?

16 and 12

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/12/2025 21:03

CatzAndDogs · 02/12/2025 19:29

16 and 12

At that age, he can't pull the wool over their eyes, so if you met them, I would assume the relationship with his ex was over, but they felt uncomfortable with you being there which is not surprising.

It's s big adjustment for them going from their mum being there, to seeing dad with another woman staying over.

CatzAndDogs · 07/01/2026 11:06

So, I got drunk nye and asked his sister if she knew when his ex had moved out. She said she didn't know. She then told him and he's got mad with me, saying if I don't drop it we don't have a future. We've since had conversation about our relationship and I said I was trying to move on but needed time because his controlling behaviour at beginning of rl was still affecting me, even though he's now nice. He told me he didn't fucking control me, he let's me do what I want, he gives me too much freedom, other men would not put up with what he does, other men would be watching my house.

In an attempt to see if things had really changed, I suggested I wanted to reconnect with my sister. Him and her fell out and he hates her. He once got so mad when i took a call from her, he almost drove the car off the road. I had a panic attack and never mentioned her again, stopped seeing her. So when i said i wanted to reconnect, he got mad, told me if I chose her over him we were over.
Then he hung up.

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 07/01/2026 11:21

CatzAndDogs · 07/01/2026 11:06

So, I got drunk nye and asked his sister if she knew when his ex had moved out. She said she didn't know. She then told him and he's got mad with me, saying if I don't drop it we don't have a future. We've since had conversation about our relationship and I said I was trying to move on but needed time because his controlling behaviour at beginning of rl was still affecting me, even though he's now nice. He told me he didn't fucking control me, he let's me do what I want, he gives me too much freedom, other men would not put up with what he does, other men would be watching my house.

In an attempt to see if things had really changed, I suggested I wanted to reconnect with my sister. Him and her fell out and he hates her. He once got so mad when i took a call from her, he almost drove the car off the road. I had a panic attack and never mentioned her again, stopped seeing her. So when i said i wanted to reconnect, he got mad, told me if I chose her over him we were over.
Then he hung up.

WTF am I reading. Your not allowed to have a relationship with your sister but its fine for his sister to cause an argument between you? Nearly drove off the road in anger? Gives you to much freedom? This is total bullshit. Why are you in this relationship? Sounds awful.

Elektra1 · 07/01/2026 11:38

He sounds like a liar and worryingly controlling also. I’d ditch this one and consider it a lucky escape.

Nosdacariad · 07/01/2026 12:43

The things he is saying to you are abusive.

Namely

Threatening to end the relationship when you challenged him and

Stating that no one else would put up with this/you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/01/2026 12:55

So he's successfully managed to isolate you from your sister. How about your friends, are you allowed to see them?

TheGoddessFrigg · 07/01/2026 12:59

CatzAndDogs · 07/01/2026 11:06

So, I got drunk nye and asked his sister if she knew when his ex had moved out. She said she didn't know. She then told him and he's got mad with me, saying if I don't drop it we don't have a future. We've since had conversation about our relationship and I said I was trying to move on but needed time because his controlling behaviour at beginning of rl was still affecting me, even though he's now nice. He told me he didn't fucking control me, he let's me do what I want, he gives me too much freedom, other men would not put up with what he does, other men would be watching my house.

In an attempt to see if things had really changed, I suggested I wanted to reconnect with my sister. Him and her fell out and he hates her. He once got so mad when i took a call from her, he almost drove the car off the road. I had a panic attack and never mentioned her again, stopped seeing her. So when i said i wanted to reconnect, he got mad, told me if I chose her over him we were over.
Then he hung up.

OTHER MEN WOULD BE WATCHING THE HOUSE???? This guy is an utter psycho.

Mymanyellow · 07/01/2026 13:07

Every time you post it gets worse. Please see sense and dump him.

Dontdisrepectme · 07/01/2026 13:10

CatzAndDogs · 07/01/2026 11:06

So, I got drunk nye and asked his sister if she knew when his ex had moved out. She said she didn't know. She then told him and he's got mad with me, saying if I don't drop it we don't have a future. We've since had conversation about our relationship and I said I was trying to move on but needed time because his controlling behaviour at beginning of rl was still affecting me, even though he's now nice. He told me he didn't fucking control me, he let's me do what I want, he gives me too much freedom, other men would not put up with what he does, other men would be watching my house.

In an attempt to see if things had really changed, I suggested I wanted to reconnect with my sister. Him and her fell out and he hates her. He once got so mad when i took a call from her, he almost drove the car off the road. I had a panic attack and never mentioned her again, stopped seeing her. So when i said i wanted to reconnect, he got mad, told me if I chose her over him we were over.
Then he hung up.

Wow your bar is in hell isn't it. Are you so afraid to be alone that you put up with this????

TwistedWonder · 07/01/2026 18:02

CatzAndDogs · 07/01/2026 11:06

So, I got drunk nye and asked his sister if she knew when his ex had moved out. She said she didn't know. She then told him and he's got mad with me, saying if I don't drop it we don't have a future. We've since had conversation about our relationship and I said I was trying to move on but needed time because his controlling behaviour at beginning of rl was still affecting me, even though he's now nice. He told me he didn't fucking control me, he let's me do what I want, he gives me too much freedom, other men would not put up with what he does, other men would be watching my house.

In an attempt to see if things had really changed, I suggested I wanted to reconnect with my sister. Him and her fell out and he hates her. He once got so mad when i took a call from her, he almost drove the car off the road. I had a panic attack and never mentioned her again, stopped seeing her. So when i said i wanted to reconnect, he got mad, told me if I chose her over him we were over.
Then he hung up.

JFC - why the fuck are you wasting your life tying yourself in over this abusive piece of shit?

He is disgusting. A vile lying cheating controlling abusive cunt.

Seriously what is your relationship history that you think any of this is vaguely ok?

CamillaMcCauley · 07/01/2026 18:09

Okay I was going to reply to the previous post (where you wondered why he would be with you if he could just go get someone else) by saying that when someone stays with you but complains endlessly about you when they could easily end the relationship if they are unhappy is a red flag that they have issues. And your last post makes it perfectly clear what these issues are.

Leave now, and cautiously, as he is absolutely certain to be watching the house. He is controlling and abusive.

Left · 07/01/2026 18:10

Oh my god.

lying about the ex is the least of your problems.

He’s got a temper if you raise anything, he’s controlling, he has no sex drive. This sounds generally awful and not sure why you think staying would be a good idea 😕

New posts on this thread. Refresh page