SIL said my baby will die!

[Tinkerisdead]

i posted a few weeks ago about some mutual friends advsing my DH and i that my SIL thinks we have a rift going on. We didnt indulge it and stayed out of everyones way. im 17 weeks pregnant and was sick for 12 weeks so not socialised etc. past probs with SIL in that she stormed out of our wedding when asked to move her pram and general rudeness/ignoring at functions etc.

This weekend, we were all at a wedding. My SIL waited until i was away from the table and told my DH that as ive opted for a homebirth that we're all gonna die cos im a selfish cow and risking my babies life. that ive obviously wanted a baby for 10 years and so have used my dh for a baby and dont love him. That its obvious we dont love each other as we dont say i love you in public. That our wedding was shit and we ruined the day for her. She then went on to say how as we have had our house decorated, we only care about wallpaper and not our baby.

I came back mid-way through this ranting and was horrified! She was pointing at me saying since you met her, you've changed!

None of this is true, yes im having a homebirth but i have a risk free pregnancy so far and obv if that changed, i'd go to hospital. we have seen her 3 times since december so her comments are unfounded and she hasnt seen our house!

My Dh was disgusted and asked me to leave the wedding with him, he then told his family he refuses to talk to her unless she apologises to us both in person. he refused to attend his nieces b'day party for this reason.

she has since called him and said sorry that she said things she didnt mean. he said "no problem, i might come and see niece on tuesday"

Now, i think it is a problem, to even suggest my baby would die i think is unforgivable and pass judgement on our relationship is callous. i want the personal apology and i want DH to make it clear im sick of her comments. But am I wrong do i take the brief "sorry" as adequate?

yes civil but distant is how i want to play it as i love my other inlaws and dont want an issue for any of them.

Well they do seem to agree with you so that shouldn't be a problem, she's just lucky that her mum will have her children nearly half the time. I find her odd just for the fact that she needs that much time away from her children. I mean we all need a bit of time but that seems extreme, her mum's already done her raising of children, why should she do her dd's too. At least that's what MY mum always tells me

Well, maybe you can get someone else to punch her for you

In my DHs and my situation we have made it blatantly clear (in writing) that brother and his wife are personae non grata and we'd rather they'd kept their own nasty company.

As much as you may want it, but sometimes it's just impossible to keep schtum. What do your in-laws have to say to their daughter's outburst? They should have a word with her, too.

She sounds utterly vile.

Steer clear. It's all you can do.

his mum is reluctant to say anything as she is worried she wont get to see they little girl. in the event of a family feud, she's worried contact would be withdrawn and having her half the week, understandable she treats her like a daughter not a granddaughter. lord, they have real issues really dont they!!

She sounds like a complete looper. I wouldn't push for an apology because she sounds so mad I'm not sure it would count for anything.

I feel sorry for her daughter though. Is there any way you can keep seeing her for her sake as she will be your childs cousin.

Blimey sounds like a bit of a nutter, obviously has a few 'issues' of her own

i don't think you have to have anything to do with her at all as you have said she's not your family or your friend, obviously it would make things easier for 'his' family if you were friendly but if you DH understands and publically backs up your reasons then i don't see why you should subject yourself to this any longer - i mean goddness knows what she'll say to you about your baby when its actually born?!! further away the better imo

you seem to get on with mil and still see your neice that way so i'd have as little contact as possible from now on, you don't need your pregnancy to be stressfree as possible

Congrats btw

I meant 'you need your pregnancy to be as stressfree as possible' obviously

I'd be ashamed of any daughter of mine that behaved like that. And I wouldn't talk to my sister if she spoke to my dp like that either. Sorry, but they are aiding and abetting her revolting behaviour.

cut away from her completely. she sounds toxic.

Your DH said "no problem"

That suggests to me that she has had outbursts like that in the past and her family have responded simlarly, so perhaps she simply does not understand how unacceptable her behaviour is.

il dottore! mrs. rossi! what good taste

i think i would not resume a personal relationship with your sil until she does apologise. but the very fact that your dh's family allows her to continue like this means (i think) that she's very unlikely to back down or change her ways. so i'd continue with having nothing further to do with her. see her dd by all means with mil, but try to cut her out. don't bitch about her behind her back and try to minimise contact. anything that you do that is seen as negative towards her may be relayed to her and she will use it against you to further her agenda. so give her no ammunition.

if anyone asks you what the problem is, i'd tell them just the facts and try to remain neutral.

suggesting that your baby will die IS deserving of a very big apology.

Yeah, don't let the nutter babysit.

Unless you prefer cooked rabbit.

Since your MIL said 'you should all get in a room and discuss it' I think you should suggest to her that SIL is in serious need of some counciling, with or without her family, and that you will not be speaking to her or coinciding at any family events unless she does...
I would also want a written apology note.
She is out of order and an embarrassment to her family, of which you, like it or not, are a part.

I think to ask for an apology will serve no purpose and could prove counter-productive. The former because it is likely to be insincere and the latter because any reasonable person, who behaved like that, would recognise those remarks were beyond the pale and would already have apologised and offered some (reasonable) explanation - although it is difficult to see what she could say to justify her conduct. Apart form being extremely nasty she may well have major personality/mental problems (disorder?). I think you must accept that these remarks have damaged any trust permanently (there are some things even time cannot heal) and you will NEVER be able to reach an accord with her so best course of action is to have as little to do with her as possible without rocking the family boat or appearing unreasonable yourself.

In this context is important to ensure that this does not drive a wedge between yourself and DH and MIL and Warthog's remarks are spot on ("anything that you do that is seen as negative towards her may be relayed to her and she will use it against you to further her agenda. so give her no ammunition"). So I would not push the truth (to her family) that she needs help and is unhinged as that may force them to face an unpalatable truth.

Last, I suggest you should never leave your children in her care and, more importantly, that you do not look after her children on your own (or at all) as someone this deranged could easily lodge a (false) complaint with child protection which could lead to your own children being taken into care. This may seem melodramatic but bear in mind that these types of allegations are easily made and impossible to disprove.

Drwife, are we related, she sounds like DH1s sister who we no longer talk to (barking mad, evil, twisted bitch) I think you need to make it clear that if your DHwants to see her fine but she stays away from you, your home and your child.

She sounds like she is jealous of you.

Oh it really would be quite simple for me to make this choice, and that choice would be her out of mine and baby's life forever. you don't need her.

Sounds to me like she is very envious of you, to want to attack you all the time.

I would keep out of her way as much as poss, then when you do have to see her, be civil and know that every single thing you say or do lets her get worked up into a frenzy of hate.

My sil was jealous of me 'taking' her brother for the first few years. I used to try to get people to see what she was like, but you can't moan about someone to their blood relatives as they are likely to close ranks and exclude you.

In the end I took my dads advice of just smiling sweetly and being civil to people who hate you. It drives her daft without actually giving her anything to moan about me for.

I don't think she could cope if she withdrew the contact from her mother, she wouldn't be able to have her time away.