Is this abuse?

[ThatNoisyBear]

I’m struggling a lot in my marriage at the moment. We have two young children (just turned 5 and 18months) and we argue about all the usual stuff - I feel like I carry a lot of the mental and childcare load as well as working 4 days a week as a teacher and I feel he gets a lot more leisure time than I do - he has a football season ticket, games etc.

His phone use is all the time and so irritating. I’ve raised the problem time and time again. Today, I’ve been out with the children all day while he’s been out for lunch and watched the football. When he got home, he was on his phone while I was trying to talk to him and I stopped as he wasn’t listening, he was on his phone over dinner while he was eating the food I made and I had to remind him to ask his children some questions about their day, then some glass got broken by one of the children and I was trying to find the shards while the 1 year old was wandering around. I was asking him to take her so she didn’t get hurt and he was ignoring me on his phone. I got cross and said, ‘one day I’ll leave you and it’ll be because you love your phone more than me’. He’s now told me that that was abuse. I’m so upset that he thinks I’m abusive. Am I? I’m also so angry because when I don’t go to an extreme he doesn’t listen to me and I feel so disregarded. How do I tackle this? Has anything worked for any of you?

No you are not abusive but he seems truly a waste of space. You’re at the end of your tether .

I would consider seeking legal advice going forward regarding all aspects of separation and divorce.

Who did he go to lunch with if you were out with the kids all day?. How is it you did not all go out as a family?.

He goes out with his mum or dad and brother before the game. He has a season ticket. He likes to go out 3 hours before the match starts to get parked. I arranged to meet a friend at the zoo while he was out today that’s why we were not together.

I don’t want to divorce because of the children but I do feel really sad in the marriage sometimes and a lot of it is because I feel ignored.

I can be snappy and he says I over react and now says it’s abusive. Really I want strategies to make the relationship better.

You’re not abusive, he was being defensive about his addiction to his phone. Of course he should be able to put his phone down and look after his own child for a few minutes and it says a lot about put his priorities that he can’t even do that.

I’m not sure there’s any way you can persuade him to change. Marriages can’t be fixed with only one person doing the heavy lifting. He sounds totally uninterested in being a good father and partner.

Oh bless you, you sound at the end of your rope. You're not abusive. Maybe if you'd snatched his phone off him and smashed it to bits there'd be a case, but what you said is just... A woman whose last nerve has been trodden on.

He's only saying you're abusive so you'll never raise the subject again - because he knows full well you're right but he doesn't want to deal with it.

What's keeping you with him? He sounds fucking useless to be honest. If he wasn't there you'd be doing the same amount of work but you wouldn't have a giant teenager dossing about with his face glued to his phone.

Oh goodness no, that was not abusive and don’t let him gaslight you into believing that! Sorry but your DH sounds pretty lazy and disinterested in family life and you’re the one doing all the work and holding it all together for everyone .

No you are definitely not abusive , he is massively deflecting there . What’s he like when the kids are in bed ? Still on his phone ? X

I suppose the things that are keeping me with him are things like, when we don’t have a bunch of responsibilities around us, we get on well, I wouldn’t want to break up the kids’ home - family or finances - and he does do some of the load - he does drop offs and pick ups as he has a much more flexible schedule than I do.

But I do still feel like I do a lot of the ‘big things’ - cooking, shopping, cleaning, sorting kids’ clothes, organising, communicating, caring for the children’s emotions e.g. fixing tantrums that he has little patience with and making sure my eldest does his phonics etc. and it goes fairly unacknowledged. There’s just a lot of resentment that I’m struggling to convey without a big row.

Yes but it bothers me less then as I do work a lot - I’m a teacher and there’s always lots to do. I try and leave school as early as I can to do dinner and bedtime but then have to do a couple of hours of work when the kids are in bed maybe 3-4 evenings a week.

Not really advice but you're not alone. This was a huge issue with me and my ex, he spent more time on his phone or at football games (season ticket too) than with us/the kids. One time I was really annoyed he was ignoring the kids (meant to be watching them) and I asked him to put the phone away and play with them so I could make dinner, he launched his phone in the air in a rage. I empathise but I highly doubt it gets better. I left him when mine were 3&4 - best decision I made.

You are absolutely not abusive. An abusive person wouldn't be on here, trying to get answers and second guessing themselves. He needs to have a word with himself and grow up. Calling abuse when you're just saying something he doesn't want to hear is pathetic

I lived with a long term partner who was never off his phone. I never felt so lonely in all my life. I eventually broke up after years and even on my own, I never felt that same crushing loneliness

You can’t change his behaviour, only your own reactions to it. He sounds totally checked out of your relationship tbh, and utterly disrespectful. You aren’t abusive, but he’s using that word to shut you up and get you to drop the subject. I think if you don’t want to split, you need to do some serious talking and maybe couples counselling. If he won’t change, you have a choice - put up with it, or split.

You’re not abusive but more like at the end of your tether. He’s just used that to shut you down.

So he does drop offs and pick ups - big bloody deal. That only takes him a matter of minutes so what does he do the rest of the time?. Apart from football and looking ion his phone that is.

Do not remain in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children as they are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him. They could well accuse you here of putting him before them. You would not want them to have a relationship like this so why should you have to put up with his nonsense?.

You are not abusive OP. He isn’t pulling his weight or engaging with your appropriately. Ask yourself what he is brining you the relationship and family life compared to you.

If you don’t start stacking up the “get out of jail” plans now, you’ll be back sooner or later to ask us how to get your ducks in a row.

Resentment will eat away at you, you’ll stop wanting to be intimate, you’ll stop wanting to do anything for him. You’re currently not living in partnership so you might as well make your plans.

No need to act straight away, just quietly do what you need to do, in slow time if you must, to end it.

Hes a selfish individual without any respect for the mother of his children. You do not deserve to be treated like this.