Can you help me with some perspective? DH behaviour - not sure if it’s MH related…

[Worralorra]

Been married for 40+ years. Love him dearly. Since retirement he has:

1. Got into the habit of being on his phone - All. The. Time. When sitting down, E.g watching TV, sitting on sofa, even in cafes when we are meeting with friends - doesn’t respond to anything on the TV or in the conversation that has been going on around him because he is too intent on the content he has been scrolling through instead of being present
2. Ignores direct questions from DC (adults) even if they try to catch his attention first
3. Starts conversations about stuff he has been thinking/scrolling about, but hasn’t spoken about, in the middle of conversations talking about something completely different
4. Answers questions that nobody has asked, about the stuff he has been thinking about, when someone asks him a question about the topic that is currently in discussion
5. Gets dates wrong, repeatedly
6. When on the rare occasions I can get his attention to mention E.g. something I have observed, he firstly refutes what I have said, then re-explains it exactly as I said, using different words

It’s driving me bonkers: It really upsets me to be questioned, aggressively, as if I’ve misunderstood something, only for the “explanation” to turn out to be exactly what I said in the first place, and I am getting increasingly annoyed at being ignored and not listened to (and DC not being listened to, either). At the same time I am terrified that he is declining mentally and don’t know how to help him.

Please let me know if you or anyone you know is coping with this behaviour and has any ideas how to stop it? I don’t know how I can retain my patience and try to help him get through whatever this is, and I’m aware that I am becoming increasingly angry about it.

Have any of you come across this? Is it caused by Social Media and mindless scrolling, or is it the start of Alzheimer’s/Dementia? How have you overcome this if you have noticed similar traits?

Thanks in anticipation…

When did he retire? What does he get up to in the day time? Lack of routine and structure can really accelerate aging and mental decline. Would you say the change is sudden, or gradual? Is it a complete personality shift, or just a more extreme version of his normal?

Sounds like he is a bit addicted to his phone, maybe suggest some phone free time for both of you and have a good chat with him about what he is doing (doomscrolling) and how it is affecting your life. I wouldn’t jump to cognitive decline until that bit is dealt with.

Thank you for responding - he has been retired since a little over 7 years ago. He does the washing, looks after the animals, works around the house and garden Etc.

The change has been gradual, but much worse over the last year. My DD says he has ADHD, but that is just a hunch because he can be a bit obsessive about researching stuff, but it’s the lack of presence and sudden conversation “turns” that are unnerving me.

Imagine taking a walk, where you are discussing, say, a garden project to lay a new lawn, and he suddenly mentions that “oh yes, I must write an Email this evening to find out about it” and when questioned about what, he gets cross because he was thinking about writing an Email ago his doctor about changing his medication (this is a hypothetical example as a real one might be too outing)…

It’s a more extreme version of him, for sure…. He is less than 65 years old.

Thanks @IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour - I will try this tomorrow. So far each attempt by me to address this has resulted in him getting upset - but I haven’t addressed the doomscrolling yet, so I’ll try that tactic then.

Just try and be as tactful as possible and announce that you BOTH need to take some time off your phones so it doesn’t seem as pointed at him, that would be my advice.

He retired very early.
I can imagine your frustration.