Hi all, I need your help!
I don’t know where to start really or how much detail is required, but if I told the whole story I could be writing this all night!
So basically my ‘D’H has fucked up big time (we’ll call him DH because it’s quicker than husband, even though he’s definitely not dear) and he’s offering to do a lie detector test to allay some of my concerns/suspicions.
Has anyone ever used a polygraph test in a relationship? How does is work? Would I provide them with a list of questions to ask DH? Would I be present? What if the questions need to be altered depending on his previous answer? How long would the test take? How and when do they communicate the results? Presumably the questions can only be based on facts about what he has/hasn’t done, and can’t be based on feelings or what’s ifs/what did you thinks?
Sorry I know I have a lot of questions, but I’ve been reeling for a while.
Also if anyone has any recommendations for reliable companies with accurate results.
Right, so then I need to know what to ask, and that’s mainly where I need your good MNers help because I don’t want to miss anything, I don’t want there to be any wriggle room etc.
I’ll give you as short of a summary as I can manage, but I’m happy to answer questions or give more detail or info if required.
Together 20 years, married 12, DD age 11, DS age 9. If relevant I had cancer soon after DS was born and I can’t have more children.
13 years ago DH started a hobby where he struck up a friendship with a woman who may or may not have been an emotional affair… he always denied it but when I called him out and said it made me uncomfortable based on things I’d seen, he started doing the hobby elsewhere and cut off contact with the woman.
Earlier this year I discovered that DH started speaking with this woman again around 3 years ago and even though the friendship this time I can see was purely related to the hobby, it was still constant, and resulted in 18 months ago him asking her to volunteer at the place he had set up for this hobby himself. She had been involved ever since and he’d never told me. They had spoken regularly and seen each other a few times. I believe it was all above board and professional rather than even friendly, but I was furious that he’d purposely hidden it and been deceitful. His way of apologising for that and trying to make amends was to basically do anything I asked of him - he moved out to give me time and space and moved in with his friend for a couple of months, then was in a short term rental a couple of hours away near work. He started therapy about his lying, deceit, about putting this hobby/this woman before his family. He cried, he promised he’d do whatever I needed of him. Over time he’s gradually ended up back in the family home, and although all was not forgiven, things seemed to have gone pretty much back to normal. But I emphasise that that was just a gradual process, there was no big reunion or conversation, we just found ourselves back to how we were pretty much.
Ffs, this is going to take ages to explain… I apologise. But I’m so grateful if you’re sticking with me.
Anyway, two weeks ago he left his laptop open and went to answer the door and was gone ages. His text messages were open on the laptop and I saw 5 messages at the top from different numbers with just the summary/top line of the texts, which read “Are you working tonight?”, “Up to her, but if she agrees she will charge extra”, “£100 for one hour”… you get the picture! My heart stopped for a minute, but obviously I opened and read the messages. All prostitutes obviously. I confronted him as soon as he came back into the room. To summarise, he claimed when he’s been away with work he’s been contacting escorts/prostitutes but claims he’s never met up with anyone. He handed over his phone and there is nothing confirming he definitely has slept with any of them, but there’s awful stuff on there about what they offer, what he wants them to do, where he’s staying, can they send more pictures and videos. Honestly it’s sickening. He claims it was wank fodder but he never had any intention of going any further. Even if that’s true, what’s to say it wouldn’t have gone further if I’d not found out.
He said that he started doing the above after he’d moved out of his friends place and was alone in the rental near work. I asked lots of questions, I did lots of investigating on his phone and laptop but he’d covered his tracks quite well and admitted most of what he’d done had been deleted. He was a grovelling mess and said he’d do anything to make things better, he’d do anything I ask of him and he’d never do anything like that again at.
A week passed where quite honestly I was just on an other planet, switching between sad to furious, to numb, but as far as the kids were concerned nothing had happened. I wasn’t ever nice to him, but nor was it clear to them that I was upset or annoyed with him or about anything. DH offering the world to me and crying and apologising and whatnot. He went for an STD test (clear), he logged me into everything of his so I could check anything that was doing or had done. After a week or so I asked for his phone - he’d told me he’d deleted stuff as and when it had been happening but I looked through his blocked contacts. I Googled every phone number and lots of them were the city where he worked. Then I found a load from the city where we live… he’d claimed he’d only ever sought out contacting people when away with work. With my new info he admits that actually he started contacting prostitutes as soon as I kicked him out earlier this year when he was staying with his friend. Says him and friend would sit together of an evening messaging prostitutes and comparing notes. He didn’t tell me this apparently when caught out and questioned initially because he knew I’d find it weird.
He eventually moved out of friends into the rental a couple of hours away and continued with this prostitute messaging but never spoke of it again with his friend.
So yes that’s where we’re at now.
To be clear, this dick head (DH) is out on his ear, but in all honestly, I do feel like I need to know all the details. I hate lying and I don’t feel like I can settle and move on until I know all that there is to know. What I do know and what he’s admitted to is end game regardless, but I just want to know for definite what he’s done completely. I need to know.
He has volunteered allsorts to show me how apparently sorry he is and to show how much he wants to win me back and fix the situation, but I can never un-know what I now know, and I’ll always know what he chose, so I’m done with him regardless of his begging.
But back to the lie detector test he’s offered to do. I know some people will think it’s a waste of time, and I appreciate that some might want to offer well meaning advice about it not being necessary because we are done, the marriage is over. But for me it is necessary, so I am specifically looking for advice on lie detector tests and what questions I should be asking this piece of shit who has clearly not been the person I thought he was for the last 20 years.
Please can you hit me with the questions I should be wanted asked during a polygraph test? That’s mainly what I’m here for your help with, but I realise I might need to start new threads for this whole sorry fuck up somewhere down the line. I’m thinking questions like “Have you had sex with anyone else during our relationship?” and then if yes, where does that lead? Like Who with, when, how many times, was it an affair, were you cheating or messaging whilst I was going through chemo? I don’t know what direction his answers will lead and if the questions can be altered accordingly, but I will happily sit here and consider every single suggestion.
I so appreciate anyone who has read this far, and I’m sorry that this post is so bloody rambling… I’m not drunk or having a manic episode, I’m just in the middle of my marriage and family falling apart.