How would you navigate this?

[B1rthdayworries]

Nc incase outing.

I have 1 dc turning 3 just after Christmas. Her Dad isn't in the picture due to safeguarding issues but I've kept in contact with his family and they will be invited to her birthday party (no other kids there, just all her family) . Last year we didn't open presents during the party, it wasn't really a conscious decision and she was too little to really know any different - but this year I think she will be excited to open the presents she sees. However, I know her dad will likely send some presents for her with his parents, which is fine and I'm prepared for that - anything he's sent in the past she's got and I've kept pictures and cards etc in a box for her. At the moment she thinks her dad lives too far away to visit, but she will have to learn that he's not safe for her to be around as she gets older. So I've been trying to toe the line between answering her questions honestly and appropriately for her age, but I know she finds it a bit confusing sometimes. I don't really want to have to field questions about her dad in front of his family because I've no idea how they'll react to that and I can see presents and cards triggering questions. I don't want to make it awkward for anyone, but equally I am worried they'll think it's rude if dd doesn't open everyone's presents especially if she asks and I know they'll probably want to see her reacting to what they buy. Equally I don't want them thinking I don't give her her presents from her dad because I do and have always tried to prioritise dds best interests with that type of thing over my own feelings. I kind of want her to be able to open her presents after her party so I can answer any questions honestly with a clear head and not having to worry about anyone else's opinion or feelings on it.

What would others do in this situation so as not to offend? It's important to me that I maintain a good relationship with dds extended family so she still has that sense of connection even though she can't get it from her dad directly if that makes sense.

Do you want to accept gifts from him via his family? It’s not compulsory. She’s your child, the only one bringing her up, it’s your decision. It can only be confusing for her to get gifts from a mystical figure she never sees or speaks to. You might be able to fudge it while she’s 3 but it’s going to get harder every year.

You sound more concerned with these relatives feelings than you perhaps need to be. Do they still have a relationship with him? Even though he’s so dangerous he’s not allowed to see his child? It sounds very difficult for you, I’m really sorry. You prioritise what’s best for you and DD, not what suits anyone else’s agenda.

I don't talk about him with them at all so it's very hard to gauge how much contact they all have with him. When we last talked about it I know a few of them had cut him off altogether but I know his parents felt responsibility for him to an extent which I can also understand so i know there is some contact there and obviously things can change. I think if I had a son who did something awful I'd feel responsibility for him as well as his parent. It's very hard to know.

Do I want her to have gifts from him? To be very honest it turns me slightly and deep down it makes me uncomfortable. He sends maintenance so i would be quite happy buying her presents out of that and then telling her later he contributed. But equally I don't want her to grow up thinking her dad doesn't care about her. He's not safe for her to be around but he's also never to my knowledge ever harmed her (or me) either (without getting into any detail).

The gifts from a mystery figure I totally see as confusing for her which is why I want her to be able to open her presents privately so I can help her navigate any questions it raises as is best for her rather than anyone else even factoring.

I also don't want her to lose any more family than what she already has, especially if others haven't done anything wrong. She has a good relationship with her grandparents and sees them every few months with me there, she looks forward to it and i know they appreciate it as well. Tbh it feels like a minefield and what's best for dd long term is really all I want.

I would strongly suggest you fade out contact with his family. It might sound sad for your little girl, but I know so many cases (mine included) where the exes family’s loyalties switch back to their son - no matter how dreadful the abuse or safeguarding issue is. Sometimes years and years down the track.

Imo you shouldn’t be giving her gifts from him. You could broach this with his parents. They must realise what a very difficult situation you are in , and they must also very much appreciate you maintaining contact with them, which you are not obliged to do.

By accepting presents from her father, a person you have said is unsafe, you are essentially allowing a false narrative about him to be her understanding of him. A person that sends presents, always remembers her birthday, is spoken about somewhat fondly etc. I know you have said you will address the issues in a time appropriate fashion, but I think in accepting the gifts, you are indicating that his influence is benevolent and trustworthy. Your DD needs to know he is not to be trusted and she must be prevented as much as possible from fantasizing a healthy relationship with this man.

good luck, you are obviously kind and thoughtful and want the best for your DD.

I too would gently explain to his parents that you do not want to receive gifts from her Father and the reason why. Hopefully they will be understanding and realise how confusing this might be to your daughter otherwise. If not then you may have to consider fading out contact with them.
If he's dangerous for her to be around you shouldn't let her grow up thinking he is a benevolent figure as it could be very bewildering for her.
I think l would let her open the presents from her grandparents whilst they are visiting though as l'm sure at 3 years old she will expect to do that and be looking forward to it.

I totally understand why people are suggesting no presents from him. My main worry with that is we're still in quite early stages of things and even though I know beyond doubt that he's unsafe, there's no conviction in place so there's still a risk that he could get off with things, seek contact and accuse me of parental alienation. So I guess part of me is also trying to be strategic in how i do things so that if I need to fight him in court i can prove that I'm fair and measured? It's a minefield. I also worry about dd being spun the narrative that I kept her from him or at least kept his cards and presents etc from her because I think that could be hard for her to accept further down the line as well.

Imo it depends if he is a druggie or sex offender.... The latter then dd shouldn't be getting any gifts...

I would tell the family in advance “If you are bringing any cards of gifts from her Dad please keep them in a separate bag and I’ll open them with her in a couple of days. Sometimes she gets upset and I don’t want it spoiling her birthday”

I find it odd that a person who has been assessed as being too much of a risk to even make contact with their child you are happily accepting gifts from him. Why has he not been cut out of the child’s life? Why are you not setting rules with his family if they want to keep in contact?

He doesn't see or speak to dd at all, doesn't know where she lives or goes to nursery or get updates or photos etc. What I'm trying to balance is risk vs dd growing up thinking one parent doesn't care about her at all. What rules do you think I should set that i haven't already? We don't talk about him especially in front of dd and they are not to send photos etc of dd to him. So the only connection at all is a gift at Christmas and birthday. Up to now she's opened them and I've kept the card in a box for her but not told her who the gift was from but that's less feasible as she's getting older. Many children in dds situation have some form of letterbox contact because a parent is part of their identity even when that parent is unsafe so this is not uncommon.

It sounds incredibly complicated. I would suggest actually getting some professional advice from a psychologist re what might be the best approach to the situation with her father now your daughter’s getting old enough to understand.

I would love to have a professional I could ask but I don't really know how to go about it. Social services closed us really quickly because I wasn't facilitating any contact so that took the risks away and they've not been forthcoming with any support really because I acted protectively. Dd isn't in any distress etc so I've no grounds to contact a psychologist. I actually really feel like because I did what I was supposed to do off my own bat that I've just been left to navigate it by myself whereas if I hadn't I'd have lots of support in place.

Bigger issues asides, could you change tack on the party and invite some little friends for her? Maybe get a small ball pool or some other entertainment? That would be way more fun for her to play at her party and not have the always hazardous management of a toddler attention span and appreciation of opening a load of gifts in front of the gift givers.
Either way I'd avoid gift opening in front of everyone, it's actually always pretty awkward to watch

You’d have to see someone privately but Google is your friend here. Look for someone with good reviews and expertise in family issues. Up to you if you want to meet someone face-to-face or do it remotely.

This is such a difficult position for you but you have articulated it very clearly on here. Could you do the same with his parents so that they come onboard with what you are trying to do? It seems that everyone is trying to do the best for DD.

Yes you’re absolutely right. It’s a minefield. Hopefully the latest changes within the family court system will help you out. Neutrality will hopefully be the best way forward

We moved fairly recently as I couldn't afford the family home on my own so she doesn't really have any friends yet living in this area. I think next year will be different hopefully and she'll have some friends from school maybe so that would create a very different dynamic which I think will be much easier to manage. This will probably be the last year of family party in the house type of thing. (Hopefully!!!)