So unhappy and lonely in life

[HelloIsItMeYourLookingFor72]

Not enjoying my life. This is not what I had planned. I’m a 53 year old female, in a good (but stressful) career, going through a divorce (going on for years), in the process of a house move and a few other things that have dented my emotional state.

I lost my mum ten years ago to cancer. I married at 25 to a man 11 years older who was my first. Being a shy girl (as I was back then), I hadn’t ventured out much to meet anyone. I knew we weren’t compatible, especially sexually (I was underwhelmed as he was so boring), but we got on ok. We enjoyed the same things in life and had the same values. However, we drifted into a sexless marriage - basically because I realised I wasn’t attracted to him and it was a chore when we did bother to do it. About a year after my mum passed, I hit menopause and went off the rails big time. I’d always been ambitious and went to university as a young woman, graduated with a 1st and Masters. My job was ok but I suddenly became bored and frustrated. I also developed a major sex surge due to hormonal shift and started to look outside of the marriage. Realised what I was doing and why - I was unhappy and lonely in my marriage. We hadn’t had sex in over a decade and there was no intimacy, romance, nothing. I should’ve pulled the plug years ago. I filed for divorce after developing feelings for someone else. Who I couldn’t have. We are friends now but it pains me!!

I also left my job around the same. As mentioned already, menopause had a MASSIVE effect on me and I’d say more emotionally/mentally than physically. I couldn’t watch tv. It made me anxious. Still does. 8 years on and I still can’t watch tv! It remains unwatched. I had worked in my job for 16 years. Cried on my last day. Got a higher paid role and more responsibility bit my new job involves travelling 200 miles a week and an overnight stay. The workload and pressure is immense and my manager micromanages all the time and dumps more and more work on me. I’m not coping. My divorce has cost me thousands. I am also losing the house and am in the process of another purchase. Moving after Christmas.

I lost my siblings during this time. One to suicide. I also lost a very close friend to cancer. My children live with their dad mostly. Eldest at university, youngest applying to start next year. The younger one hardly ever sees me and makes no effort to even though I offer to take her out.

I worked hard to get where I am, work wise, but feel I have not made the right choices around my personal life. I’m struggling with the stress of my job (I am looking elsewhere). It’s making me so miserable.

I am lonely. Night after night, day after day (when not at work), I am alone. I gave up my marriage for someone who didn’t do the same. Stupidly.

I am living a sexless life with no intimacy, hugs, closeness. Nothing. I crave it. I can’t just go with a ONS or FWB. That won’t work for me. I need to have feelings. OM torments me.

I have tried dating apps with little success. I don’t like anyone. I’m struggling with missing out. I’m attractive for my age. Living like a nun.

I miss my mum, my siblings and my good friend. I really have no-one apart from a couple of old colleagues I have known for years.

I am searching for another job. I really hope I can turn things around but I am really not coping well with being alone. This is not what I had planned. I have to take out another mortgage for my new house after being mortgage free for years. Things have changed for me. Big time.

Will things improve? Or, am I
destined to feel like this forever?

That’s a lot, but one thing that you can change jumps out: end contact with the OM. Keeping that connection will hold you back. End it and block.

That is indeed a lot. I don’t have any answers for you, except to say how you feel about all this will change.. they’ll change by the morning.. they might not go away, but they’ll change. You sound like someone who’s not scared of change or putting yourself out there. That’s great. Get out to clubs / gym somewhere that has an element of sociability- there will be others in similar situations. I know the holes your lost loved ones have left will never be filled but the more you can rebuild a life around them, the less lonely you’ll feel. Sending strength & hope xx

You're going through a period of change (end of unsatisfying, unhappy marriage, menopause, wanting to change job), so it's no wonder you're feeling unsettled and unhappy - all those things can be really hard individually, let alone all at once.

What can you do? I'd try and resolve the divorce asap - why has it been going on for years? Get it done so you can put it behind you and move on. The OM? Block him and remove him from your life, he's only bringing you unhappiness.

As for what the future holds - it's clear that you're in a difficult place right now and that's never the right time to meet someone new and forge a new beginning for yourself. First, you need to untangle yourself from the past and feel happy in yourself. Some therapy might help you. Are you on HRT? Can you take it? If so, I recommend it for helping you feel 'normal' again.

And then just give it time. Time to heal, time to find some peace again in and with yourself. Your post is full of anger and dissatisfaction - if this is the energy you're giving off you won't meet anyone nice or good. First, you need to get your equilibrium back.

It sounds like will improve for you, and that you're in a difficult transition phase. Keep following through with the divorce, house purchase and job hunt. Keep making the effort to build bridges with your kids as they adjust to the change.

Cut off the OM. You left your mariage because it lacked intimacy, OM was just a catalyst.

Keep on with dating, but it's not an easy path. In the meantime, I'd focus on building a really solid local friendship group. You don't need to sit in the house alone. Get out there, join clubs, meet people. Now is the time of life to pursue things that interest you and build a great social life.

Thank you for the replies. Just trying to get by each day but so down and unhappy. Hate my new job and the management team think it’s find to pile the work on. Just feel lonely. Regret getting involved with someone who was unavailable but can’t find anyone who has a similar effect on me. My first solicitor charged loads and kept things dragging on so I’m paying that off from the house sale. Feel alone with no family too: this is not how I planned my life to be.

You are in a tough situation.

Nothing is certain and everything is being pulled from under you.

I step at a time.

First sort out the house and divorce.

Kids are still young - mine drifted and came back, it’s what they do, don’t give up on them or dwell on them too much. keep up the contact and they’ll see the light eventually.

Work, You’ll find another job, people aren’t hiring near christmas riles will come up in the new year and once you move you’ll be able to focus on a new job.

Then think about other activities, maybe lay off the men for now, find out who you are after the divorce and learn to love yourself first.

This is alot and you've gone through a huge amount of change and it's almost too much to tackle in one go so I would break it down. First end contact with the other man, then finalise divorce and move house. You will instantly feel better with the house move. Then I would focus on job change and relationship with kids. Then hobbies, social life and dating last. By the time you get to the dating, you'll be in a much better place.
You sound resourceful and good with change.