Very defensive husband

[Remmy123]

My husband is very defensive and cannot take me asking him to do or help me. For context we have two teens.

example me to my husband today - ' I have put a pile of your washing on the bed can You put it away' his reaction ' huffs and puffs then says 'I hope you get those kids to put their own piles of washing away?!

another example; can you take the bins out they are over flowing?
him: how about you get one of those kids to do it??

me : can you stop leaving the recycling on the kitchen counter when we have a Recycling bin?
him: don't worry about what I am doing how about you get those kids to do something
me: but it's your recycling?

now I can't ask him to do anything without being met this this immature defensiveness!

the other night one of my teens who is usually lovely was really rude to me - I came downstairs to tell my husband I was ranting at how rude teen was and how annoyed I am that etc and all he couid say was ' I hope your not having a go or turning this around on me?!'

err no I'm having a rant at our teen being so rude and I am upset wtf is it to do with you?? So I couldn't even talk to him about it.

im at my wits end with it!!

Is this a change in his behaviour OP?

Are these children his?. Why is he referring to them as those kids?.

What is the point of you and he being together at all?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you want them to believe their dad’s treatment of you is acceptable to you?. It looks like your teen was copying his dad’s behaviour. This is no relationship model to be showing them.

Your partner is supposed to be an adult, and a partner. The teens are kids. That is the difference.

He is deliberately making things difficult so you stop asking. You have a man child situation and it's like been like that for a while it's just that you are noticing it now.

He resents the children. He feels that they should be doing more to contribute to the house and that you do more for them than him. You do need to involve your kids in the running of the home. They should have responsibilities otherwise they will struggle to be independent later on. However, your H is a grown arse man who's acting like a stroppy teenager. He needs to care for himself. You shouldn't have to ask him to put his own clothes away or empty the bin. He should just do it. It's his shit. It's such a turn off. No one wants to shag a man child.

Do we have the same partner? So sick of these men

Thanks very helpful and insightful responses!!!

he has been like this for the last couple of years - since the kids have turned 13 plus.

He thinks I do too much for them, I think I do what any loving mum does. He now won't even get them a glass of they ask for one now, he tells them to get their own things - now they won't do anything for him!

The poster that said upthread: 'Your partner is supposed to be an adult, and a partner. The teens are kids. That is the difference' - that is what I say to him!

This is also spot on : 'He resents the children. He feels that they should be doing more to contribute to the house and that you do more for them than him'

yes the kids should be doing more but he is going about it the wrong way and it's causing friction. It's also massively giving me the ick.

he won't even run our 7 year old a bath tells him to do it himself!

I get not wanting to baby teenagers, but him not wanting to run a 7 year old a bath puts a different spin on things. It sounds like he doesn't want to do anything. He's opting out of parenting amd family life as a whole.

“He asked how I was and I made a couple of jokes about having to go into work feeling rough, and how funny the night was“

Could it be that he that you hurt his feelings when you said how funny the night was? I might be a hopeless romantic but it seems to me that he really likes you and from what you said he is worth giving a chance to, if you want to. Good luck.

Men often get resentful when their dc become teens. I remember reading that they are stuck emotionally at an early teen age themselves so resent their own children passing them out by becoming more mature than them. He sounds very immature. Reminds me of fights with my siblings when l was about 10 and would say to my mum ..why don't you ask my sister to do the wash up! Grew out of that but your dh sounds like he didn't.

Yes exactly this!

im not really sure what i do about it because if i can't ask him to do stuff/ help me then im doing it all myself!

This will likely never get better. This smacks of an underlying entitlement. I’d be making my own life for myself without him featuring in it. Crack on with stuff. Go silent on him and start treating him as an acquaintance and nothing more. Talking with him about it clearly isn’t going to work. You have nice precious life - start planning your leave. He’s supposed to be your partner, not another child to look after

He wants you to do it all whilst he sits back.

I would seriously consider if this is a man you want to remain with. Your children will indeed further pick up on his resentment towards them and that will emotionally harm them, markedly not just to say you. They know that they are referred to as "those kids".

You cannot fully protect your kids from all this from him whilst you are all under the same roof.

Truly shocking just how many men are like this. In short he doesn’t see any of this as his responsibility so gets mad as thinks tasks should be either yours or passed directly onto the kids.

Sucks but it’s pure male entitlement. Perhaps the teens have a certain job that is theirs that you can throw back in his face when he tries to pass something you’ve asked him to do onto them?

ETA: you shouldn’t have to do any of the above ofc, but I know it’s sometimes not as easy as a simple LTB and you’d need coping strategies in place in the meantime

You could try writing a note every morning about what needs to be done..although he should know. Maybe put teens names down for some chores and some for him too.

Why does he think you're there to do things for him?

Your their mother, you're not his.

He's behaving like a knob op, I'd try and get to the bottom of whatever discontent is causing him to behave like this - might be fixable.