Toxic parents, lazy child or pregnancy hormones? I'm confused

[Anglepoise]

Apologies in advance if this is long and rambling.

I'm in my early 30s and currently six months' pregnant with DC1. I have always believed that I have an excellent relationship with my parents and whenever I've got to the "now is a good time to sort out any issues with your parents" section of pregnancy books have always smugly skipped through it thinking "I don't have to worry about that. Lucky me".

Since leaving university, I feel that all the self-confidence and zest I once had has drained away and that pretty much everything I've done in the last decade has been a disaster. This is despite knowing, rationally, that I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a wonderful DH, this baby is very much wanted, I own my own flat and although I am hideously over-qualified for my job and find it dull, it pays well and leaves me with plenty of free time and no responsibilities. However, I can't shake the feeling that I am basically a disappointment and should be doing better - though I am quite willing to accept that this is quite normal and everyone feels this way!

I feel particularly that I am a disappointment to my parents and I know that I have made some decisions that they disagree with - because they have told me so. However, I haven't been very clear about whether this is something that I am picking up from them or whether I just feel disappointed with myself and have been projecting that onto them. Over the past few days, I've realised that I can't actually remember the last time they complimented me or seemed pleased about something I'd done, though they have written to or spoken to me several times over the past few years when they feel I've done something wrong. I feel as though they've been keeping score of all my mistakes but never acknowledging my successes, in which case it's perhaps hardly surprising that I can't get off my arse and do anything more fulfilling with my time. Or am I just making excuses for my own laziness? Or are my hormones just playing havoc with my mind?

I am so confused and have no idea what to do. On one hand I want to point out to them that they never seem pleaed with me, but I don't want them to tell me they are pleased just because I asked! I also know they will be devastated to think that I am feeling this way.

I also think I should grow up and stop worrying so much about what my parents think. At the moment, I worry more about pleasing them than DH (who is supportive and complimentary), which is just stupid and wrong. I'm sick of feeling like a child.

I am thinking about getting some counselling when I go on maternity leave, though have no idea how to go about this. Or is there anything useful I can read? Or should I just learn to take responsibility for my own failings?

Hi Anglepoise

They wrote to you or rang you when they felt you had done something wrong?! Your an adult responsible for your own life and your own successes or failures!! If you feel you are a disapointment to your parents, I presume that they have let you know this verbally, things left unsaid, body language, look on their faces...theirs more than one way to get your message across.

As for 'getting off your arse and do anything more fulfilling with your time'. As above, you are an adult. If you want a job with no responsiblities...well that is your decision and choice (one I made too...I want a life apart from work!). If my dd chose a job she was overqualified for...i may ask 'why' out of curiousity, but I would not see it as my job to chastise her for not fulfilling my possible wishes for her (which I will keep under lock and key!! Her life, not mine!)

I would put aside the pregnancy hormones...these issues are real...not an overactive hormone. And having a dc is a very good time to start thinking about how you will be as a parent...and how your parents were with you...and what you will not do with your own child.

Have you read Toxic Parents? And btw...do you procrastinate?...Everything has to be perfect...then you overface yourself wiht too much to achieve/do and fail...again?

Hi anglepoise - congrats on your pregnancy. Your parents sound a lot like my older sister, who rings me on a regular basis to say how I am doing things wrong, I need psychiatric help, my friends are useless and she hates my mother-in-law and won't be in the same room as her. The rest of the time she is charming and good company although v rarely complimentary about my life. Our parents are both dead, so it is just me and her, and I think losing the buffer that my dad used to create between us has forced me to face what is a v difficult relationship. They used to devastate me, these criticisms, and it left me exhausted and almost unable to function (once she rang up and said that she couldn't forgive me for something I said to her in an argument and that she was cutting all ties with me - that was the most extreme and she called back 10 days later and apologised ). I wonder if your parents are just really used to speaking to you in a critical way, that they just have got into a pattern and they don't even realise what they are doing? I recently told my sister not to be so rude to me and she was totally taken aback that I thought she was being rude - when I pointed out that wouldn't dare speak to anyone else like that she had to admit she was. Anyway, just to say - it took me a really long time for me to work out that the family I have created with dh is as significant and important as the family I came from (sounds ludicrous, but it's true). I sounds to me like you are struggling with the same thing - wanting to please your parents about your dh. I think it's good that you are thinking about these things now, and I think you should speak to your parents about it, calmly, and try and sort out your feelings before you baby arrives. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply

I haven't read Toxic Parents, though I was looking at it online this morning. Is it worth a read? I'm struggling to think of them as toxic tbh; until a couple of weeks ago I thought they were perfect!

I do a job I'm overqualified for partly because it's easy and pays the bills. I took it originally because I was broke and temping, then I stuck with it because it allowed me enough free time to do a part-time art foundation course, that I'd wanted to do for a decade. My mum told me this was stupid and self-indulgent.

And yes, I procrastinate! It's probably one of my worst failings. If I don't have a deadline, I won't do something, and if I don't then I leave it until the last possible moment, then do it. And drive myself mad in the process.

Tbh I wouldn't mind if they told me when I'd done things wrong if they also told me when I'd done things right. It's like working in a job and only ever getting negative feedback - of course after a while you're going to feel like you're doing shitly.

Thanks wilbur Tbh I'm a bit anxious about talking to them - it's not something we're great at and probably why they've written to me in the past when they've disagreed with something I've done. I think counselling is appealing partly because it will be easier than talking them! - but I also think it would be helpful to get things clearer in my own mind so I can talk to them constructively rather than just critically.

Anglepoise - uurgh, re procrastinating, you could be me! And for a parent to tell you that dream of yours is "stupid and self-indulgent" is v harsh, IMO. It's not as if you were sitting on your arse expecting them to pay for it - you worked and made your choice (lovely choice, btw) with your own money.