What’s going on here between MIL and SIL

[ChristmasCrackez]

There’s a weird dynamic between my SIL and my MIL that I just don’t get and I'm
hoping someone can shed some light on it because their relationship has affected me over the years. I e known them a couple of decades.

In the past MIL has always criticised SIL’s clothes, weight, style, hair etc. and I’ve never, ever heard my MIL tell my SIL that she is, or looks beautiful etc. The most I’ve heard her say is that she looks nice, and “I suppose she is attractive in her own way”. In contrast, when I’ve seen my SIL look very nice, at her and other weddings, having lost weight and had a makeover for the occasion, MIL seems jealous. Once when I was choosing a present for SIL, MIL got annoyed and said “she’s got enough”.

She also highly criticised her past boyfriends.

My SIL doesn’t have very good self esteem.

In contrast, my MIL brags about her achievements and clearly prefers her to my DH. They spend a lot of time together, but if my SIL put a foot wrong she is punished severely, usually cut off for a bit.

MIL has tried these things with me in the past, and it upset and confused me, but in the end they didn’t work so she gave up.

They both hate my guts, and think I’m jealous of their relationship, but I don’t think I am. I’m confused by it.

Why do they act like this?

Why do you care?

Particularly as “both hate your guts” !

Sounds like a group of unpleasant adults with a little too much time on their hands

MiL wants to be associated with an achiever but lowers her daughter’s self-esteem and fights off boyfriends to have a life-log companion dependent on her. Keep away from them.

OP. Stay on the periphery of this.

This appears as a long-standing control-based, enmeshed relationship where your MIL maintains superiority through criticism, and your SIL (conditioned by possibly decades of this) remains too eager to please.

You have disrupted the pattern simply by existing outside it. So, stay on the outside, no good can come from trying to fix, change or adapt this relationship!

Really helpful! It’s human nature to care about things that affect you and it’s really very good practise to try and understand the psychology of a situation / person so you are best armed to deal with it. Why do you care enough to comment saying ‘why do you care?’

I care that you think the OP wants to read comments like yours! I’m sick of seeing shitty snide comments.

I suspect there is some narcissism at play here by MIL OP. Watch some of Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube. Very often a parent needs a scapegoat in the family. They also need to be in control of people but I’m not sure that is usually the same person. I’m no psychologist but I think if you can find the traits then it’ll help you to deal with it better so it doesn’t bother you at all going forward.

Stay well clear! This is a toxic dynamic that has probably been around all through your dh and sil's childhoods. This is why SiL has low self esteem, because her mother is horrid to her and expects perfection, whilst also being "close" to her and having what, on the surface, appears a strong relationship. Dh on the other hand probably had more free rein and less criticism but also, by default, less attention. It leaves both children desperate to impress and keep their mother interested in them. It's narcissistic and mean and has left your SiL dependent on her and desperate to impress her, and I suspect your DH feels a bit unloved or sidelined.
I wouldn't criticise MiL to SiL or try and bring any of that up, because she will inevitably tell you her mother is amazing and also dob you in to MiL. The reality is, she probably needs a ton of therapy to realise that her mother is deliberately putting her down to keep her exactly where she wants her, that none of her mothers perceived criticisms are anything to do with her own problems or issues, and then she needs some support setting boundaries with her own mother and building her own self esteem to see the behaviour for what it is (it is the parental equivalent of those men who "neg" women by telling them how unattractive or unappealing they are, when actually they want a relationship with them where they have control over what they do, how they dress and how they feel about thenselves, whilst also showing then off to all their mates).
In your shoes, I'd avoid as much as possible without damaging the family dynamic, and emotionally support your dh with any lingering after effects from growing up with that going on!

SIL hates your guts also? Yet you say she looks nice on occasion? That’s generous!! I’d stay away from them both!!

Enmeshment definitely.
Drama triangles - definitely.

narcissism - probably.
For some parents their childs achievements are their achievements ( because they made and raised the child and "own" them)

My mil is a narc and indefinitely ruffled her feathers as she was no longet the "be-yoo-ti-ful layyydeeee" of the family and had been until i arrived. She was absolutely loving life when i got fat in lockdown 😅

I'd just check out of all of it.
I was going to bother with either it wpuld be SIL but ideally leave them to it

I disagree. I thought it summed the whole thing up and offered a solution. I was thinking exactly the same.

I would just focus on treating the SIL with a high degree of warm, compassionate, validating respect. Since the MIL obviously has issues of her own, I would try to treat her with compassion too.

Beyond that, I guess it's not really your battle. Although naturally you seek answers, you don't really need to puzzle this out. Just be kind and avoid getting pulled into it.

MIL is jealous of SIL but brags about her achievements because it makes her look good as a parent. Standard toxic narcissist mum behaviour. Stay well away from them and leave them to it.