Confused after meeting with “old flame”

[confuseddotcom29]

About 10 years ago I met a man who I had a short but intense “fling” with over the space of about 5 months. When we met we were both going through various issues in our personal lives and definitely leant on each other and helped each other. It felt very emotionally close at the time, it wasn’t just sex. We had a lot in common, he was also a bit younger than me which is a factor in why it ended.

Since it ended we did stay in touch, here and there. I moved on and had a child with someone else, he’s had relationships since too. The contact has always been instigated by him, he’d get in touch every few months or so. We’d have a quick chat about life, work etc. sometimes he would lean on me for advice and things. But never saw him in person since it ended and neither of us “tried to go back there” or turn the conversation to “us” if that made sense.

Recently he started getting in contact again, just like he normally would. Checking in and chatting about work and family. He mentioned an old acquaintance and conversation turned to shared memories of when we were together. We decided to have a catch up at one of our old stomping grounds. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest, I know we get on well and thought it would be good to catch up, but I was also nervous about how I would feel.

When I first saw him after all this time I thought “what have I done”. But the night seemed to go really well, it was like no time had passed at all and conversation just flowed and felt natural. Conversation turned to us and what went wrong. He said I was the most beautiful and kind woman he’d ever been with, and that he really messed it up and all his friends thought so too. He said he was young and immature. I tried to keep it surface level and said “well you know, we were both going through things then, it probably wouldn’t have turned into a serious relationship anyway”. But I also reciprocated that I really cared about him at the time too and we had some great times and memories together.

As the night went on we became closer and closer, he instigates kissed me very passionately, being affectionate, which got more and more intense over a few hours. We were also quite drunk by this point. I said “did you want to meet up again”, to which he was extremely keen for, asking to see me again in a few days. We didn’t sleep together, though easily could have- we shared an uber home but were dropped off separately. The conversation had turned sexual towards the end of the night and he had described our past sex life as being a very special type of connection.

When I was dropped off first he kissed me passionately and said he would see me in a few days.

He checked the next day that I was feeling okay etc, but since then has gone cold and distant. We haven’t talked about the night at all, he hasn’t been chatting other than a few messages here and there. Total change of dynamic from the messages prior to going out, which were flowing.

I just feel a bit flat now. And confused. I don’t know exactly what I expected. But I feel like I’ve potentially opened up an old wound for myself. I wasn’t 100% sure about the meeting but I had a really good time, it felt like it went better than expected and I would have liked to have seen him again. The meeting felt very intense and passionate. He instigated physically and emotionally, but I reciprocated keenly too.

I suppose I’m just wondering why men do this? Why get in contact, instigate closeness again, to then go cold?

I feel a bit stupid like I’ve shown the door is open, to get rejected in a way? And that I should have let sleeping dogs lie.

Oh LOL...I used to talk like that when I was 25.

It could be that he just wanted a shag but, as you say, that could have been on the cards and you both decided not to.

It's not a popular opinion on MN 😉 but men do have feelings too. Even complex ones!

It could be any number of reasons. Not wanting to appear too keen; not sure what to do with a change in dynamics; not wanting to ruin a good friendship if it didn't work out again; not being sure about how you feel right down to he's just a prick...

I'm.a bit 'take the bull by the horns' so I'd addres it directly otherwise it runs the risk of becoming the elephant in the room and ruining the friendship anyway.

I was going to say that he'd sobered up and thought better of meeting again. It's been a few weeks and he's perhaps over thought it in the meantime.

I'd not pin my heart on this guy. Please be very careful.

People do get ill...

If you want to see him again, do but keep.sex off the table (even sexual.conversations) and see if there is anything there beyond that.

Unless you really dont want to, in which case, don't.

I'm going to offer perhaps a more nuanced perspective, because I don't think men are entirely one dimensional. You can't possibly know what the reasoning is for his silence after. Maybe he's afraid he came on too strong, maybe he's not actually ready for a relationship, maybe he got in an accident, maybe hes in a relationship with someone else, you can theorise forever. You have no control or context over what happens on his end unless he chooses to share it with you.

I would encourage you, however, to communicate very honestly and bluntly with him about how this made you feel. Give him your full context, make sure he understands how much you enjoyed that night, that you would be interested in pursuing a relationship more seriously again (if that's true) but also that his silence and distance since that night has been hurtful to you. Then give him and yourself a deadline for him to respond and if he doesn't, you can know you were at least honest about your feelings, positive and negative. Then draw a line under it and let it go. Protect yourself and your heart.

I think so often we have expectations that the guy is supposed to do all the heavy lifting in pursuing romantically and personally I think that puts you in such a vulnerable position of expectation to have to just wait for him to get around to it and potentially unintentionally harm you through inaction.

But also if he's not mature enough to respond to an open and honest message about the situation then I agree with the others. Draw a line under the whole thing once and for all and don't see him again, don't keep in touch. Don't be "friends" with him, don't be the "one that got away" for his little personal fantasy games. You deserve a relationship where passion is matched with commitment and good communication. Continuing a friendship after he did this I think would just be too confusing and painful, so allow yourself to put that whole man in the bin.

I secretly do hope he does respond though. That maybe there's a reasonable explanation, or that your message might shock him into some radical honesty of his own. But at least either way you'll know you said your piece. Good luck!

I think OP nailed it when she said his last relationship broke down because his partner had a child. I think he wants to be with her but is pulling back because the reality is she has a child too. He had a passionate evening with you but maybe in the cold light of day realises this could develop again and the child is a deal breaker. When he brought the reason for last relationship breakdown up, did you not say hey but I now have a child too?

So at 25, you had a few principles or ideas

Now, you just lol at ppl because you can’t be arsed thinking or writing properly or contributing to a conversation or being a decent human and you want for the world to see it for validation?

Great journey of growth, thx for sharing hun

So when he said about why his last relationship broke down, I of course said “well I am in the same situation”… he said “but that’s different”. At this point it was just a catch up, before it turned intense.

All those years ago when things ended, he did actually try and come back I suppose a few months later. I was clear I had met someone else, wasn’t interested. That relationship didn’t last but about 2 years after was when I met the father of my child. He never tried to reignite things expect for that initial time soon after it ended.

I think you need to meet up and be direct with him about the hot and cold thing, ask what his intentions are and take it from there.

Everyone on here is just guessing. We dont know him. You do and you need to ask.

I don’t know what his reasons are but they’re clearly reasons that don’t work in your favour.

You were clearly keen and he has hurt your feelings, he’s not stupid, he knows this, he’s pulling back and minimising what occurred that evening.

I know the argument that men are nuanced etc etc but I had a few of these types pop up in my dating history and they all reappeared at some point with the old flannel, I quickly learnt not to fall for it, as it was usually around their ego, feeling low and just checking that someone was still interested in their sorry arses. So I stopped replying and surprise surprise they’d fade away again. It was never about me, all about themselves and validation.

You don’t need someone who will mess you around and hurt your feelings, I wouldn’t send a message, I’d leave it and block him. I just couldn’t be bothered to hear what he had to say.

You deserve someone better.

Oh yes don’t disagree that I would have come across keen, he came across very keen too. It was both.

Maybe he’s just as confused as I am about what happened.

And yes it has absolutely hurt my feelings to have such an intense night, for him to go cold. Even if I wasn’t sure what my expectations of it was, I’m only human and it felt nice at the time.

He is talking more normally now and has said he would like to see me again, I’m on the fence really. As much as I had a good time, there is clearly something there for me still or I wouldn’t be bothered about him going quiet after would I! So it’s probably best not to do it again and put myself in that position x

I think it hinges on the follow up chat the next day. You say he messaged to see how you were, after you’d had a passionate kiss etc and you replied with jokes about work and something along the lines of how funny the night was. Did you not say anything about the two of you and how it felt to see him? Because to me, it looks like he’d hoped you’d give him encouragement and instead you replied with something about work and jokes - as if you’d sobered up and something great hadn’t happened last night between you which needed mentioning. That’s the point at which he went cold. I think he’s worrying that he feels strongly and you don’t.

Just want to say how you feel is totally normal and understandable. Mumsnet can be so weirdly dismissive of normal feelings with comments like “you sound like a teenager” and “it’s quite simple” etc. Personally I wouldn’t trust him after he blew hot and cold and he’d have to do a lot of convincing for me to let my guard down again. Otherwise I’d protect my heart.

Sorry, I didn’t word it very well. I didn’t refer to the whole night as funny, we had a bit of a nightmare getting to mine as the uber driver went wrong and then me being drunk I was confused about where we were, directed us even further the wrong way. I referred to that as being funny/how drunk I was and how it was a miracle I made it to work as I was feeling rough. He didn’t really respond to it, he just said he was glad he had the day off. Didn’t give me anything to respond to. I asked how he was feeling and he’d said “terrible”. One word answer, again not really giving me much to work with…

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

If it was the other way around and I was keen, I would have responded along the lines of “yes it was very funny, great night/had a good time. Did you still want to do it again”. But it was just one word answers on his end… until he’s popped up a week later to say he did want to go out again?

So he’s talking about meeting up again? If you like him why not meet up for a walk- no alcohol! Ask what his intentions are? Ask how he feels about a child being in he mix. Then have a think after you’ve gauged his intentions.

I don’t think that’s weird . It’s only been a week!

He doesn't sound as hot and cold as you made out now you've described the whole thing. If he says he's been ill and has asked you out again and you want to go, I think going and being fairly honest about your own feelings and worries about him/your child, is sensible. It doesn't seem quite ended somehow. It's up to you, it seems like its stirred up emotions in both of you. I might go out again for a walk or not heavy drinking and get chatting on different levels, not just about whether you get together physically.

When you sent him a text about how drunk you were , it could have implied things only got intimate because you were drunk. Maybe?

I personally think it is hot and cold, to go from chatting frequently for weeks leading up to the meeting, to go the change in behaviour immediately after? One word answers and not instigating conversation, going quiet for almost a week?

I know people on mumsnet will say that you shouldn’t need to text all the time etc… but when that’s the pattern that’s the pattern. All of my friends who are dating would think a man wasn’t interested if he did that.

True, but it was building up to this interaction and then it's difficult to both know where you stand after that, so it's not like meeting a stranger on a dating site, is it? He might feel he said too much. He definitely does like you if he replied, apologised for not being more chatty and asked you out again, but for what purpose (sex, relationship) you cannot know til you get interacting again if you want to.

Up to you, and it may be you get your fingers burned, but it seems to me he thinks there's an ongoing conversation to be had with you. It's up to you if you want to go back and see.

I’d give him another chance as you definitely sound like you have a good connection which can be really difficult to find. But I’d probe a bit … along the lines of ‘is everything alright?’
When men have done this to me, there’s often something in the background that is causing them stress. You need to know what that is.

Uggh, these fucking guys! They are so predictable. OP just forget him, fair enough if he'd come back said he'd messed up and was as keen as mustard, so keen posting on here wouldn't even have crossed your mind. However seeing as you are here posting about him blowing hot and cold, sending mixed messages you need to just stop.

I don't know what his deal is, maybe he is just mixed up and afraid and really loves you and wants to be with you but it doesn't matter. If he can't show up make it damn obvious that he wants this then he's literally of no use to you. He's not going to be able to give you want you need or to be a good partner to you, probably not even able to be a good friend. It isn't your job to fix him or wait about till he figures it out, let someone else do that preferably a paid therapist.

You need to close the door on him and not give him anymore of your time or attention because he'll take it. So many of these guys just rotate back though ex's or women they used to know looking for a little ego boost or sex but they have nothing to offer a woman they are just throwing out fishing lines looking for one who will bite and that is all they need, just an indication that he could have you if he really wanted.

Stop biting and don't give him anymore of your time or headspace.

OP you said you just wanted sex really anyway so you might as well go for it mightn't you? I'd give him one more chance because he might have freaked out over that night for all sorts of reasons.