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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Looking for opinions..

11 replies

AmIjustawaste · 28/11/2025 18:00

Been with DP 18 years. In these years He was a terrible dad to our dc when they were babies, i would wake up in the middle of the night and he would of disappeared out to parities & friends and wouldnt walk through the door till gone 5/6am.
he begged me to move from my whole support network, my family, extended family & very good friends. He said it would be a fresh start, he was miserable where we lived. I was very recluant to move, it was all I ever knew and i was happy (despite dps ways) i could call on friends and see them, go out, have a life.

anyway, after a year of him begging and his family convincing me We moved and he did change his ways. He was finally a good dad & partner.
I am miserable where we live. I have tried my hardest to make friends, but nothing has really come of it.
His mum passed away suddenly last year (i took care for her so you think he would have some respect for me for it) very unexpectedly and he’s turned back into a pig headed idiot. I can go weeks without any proper adult conversation. I try and talk to him but I get one word answers or just nothiness. Its just about whats for tea, what we need for shopping etc.
My mum recently visited and I reliesed that was the first real adult conversation I had in 6 months!

do i keep trying? He knows im very visibly uspset tonight and hes just ignoring me not even asked. I told him i may as well talk to a brick wall and he’s just said nothing probably thinks im being dramatic. Again. I feel so down, see lots of people getting ready going out on social media and nobody asks me to go out. I try & start conversations but its like nobody wants to talk to me. :(

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 28/11/2025 18:05

You've already wasted so many years with this idiot. Cut ties and be happy.

AmIjustawaste · 28/11/2025 18:08

Sillysoggyspaniel · 28/11/2025 18:05

You've already wasted so many years with this idiot. Cut ties and be happy.

Its more complicated than that. One dc is in a sen school in final years so I just cant up & move. My family have moved out of the area we used to live in so i cant just go back and theres no way I would want to stay here as a single parent.
i just asked what does he want to do tomorrow and just got “whatever.” With him walking off.

OP posts:
Hirik · 28/11/2025 18:09

Where are your DCs now? Have they moved out and do they have lives of their own? How far away is your original home? Can you afford to move back? Can you afford not to?

How do you want to spend the next chapter of your life post DCs? Who with? Are you close to your DM etc? Can you transfer work?

Hirik · 28/11/2025 18:11

Seems I have crossed posts. If you had a magic wand - where would you be and with who?

WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 28/11/2025 18:15

You have to do what’s best for your children, even if that means being a single parent where you don’t necessarily want to live it’s not fair for them to grow up in a household watching their parents being miserable together

AmIjustawaste · 28/11/2025 18:19

Hirik · 28/11/2025 18:11

Seems I have crossed posts. If you had a magic wand - where would you be and with who?

I would be with my kids, anywhere but here quite frankly. I cant afford to move instantly but I can if I save up.
I know I have to stay here for dc to finish schools but its another 18 months and I am severely depressed. I go to bed around 6pm when the dc are in their rooms as I just can’t stand sitting there with nobody to talk too. I speak to dc of course but its not adult conversation.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 28/11/2025 18:20

If your dc is in the last year or two of SEN school, you could spend the next 18 months working out where you will go when you leave, how you will live, where your sen child will live.

Use these months as planning time. Sort your money, research home much you will get when everything is halved.

Don't waste your life with a man who clearly doesn't give a toot about you.

Hirik · 28/11/2025 18:36

I agree with @Meadowfinch - that time will fly by - use it well to do lots of research, day trips or Air BnBs weekends to where you want to go. Get saving, plotting, fantasying.

Imagine your new home, how it will be decorated, how your routines will change. What would you like to do new socially or hobbie wise? Could you start practicing that where you are now?

What will the move mean to both of your DCs? Will they want to leave behind their lives, will they have better opportunities? Will they be able to live and work independently eventually?

Get dreaming, planning, plotting and nudge this dream along each week/month until the day you can press go.

Do you need any medical support now - have you had an overall health check - especially thyroid and menopause - there is no need to live in such a depressed state. Could you look at some online therapy and or little lifestyle changes that you could implement now so that you are mentally and physically in the best shape for your new life in 18 months time.

Can you look back to June this year, Dec last year and July 2024. Can you remember what it was like and what has changed since then? Because life keeps speeding up and time just flashes by if we don’t have a passion and a purpose.

AmIjustawaste · 28/11/2025 19:08

Yes, need to sort medical stuff out. One dc has a life long condition & mine isn’t in the best state (chronic illness made worse by all this I think.)
Do fancy maybe moving to the seaside, both dc wouldn’t mind as it would be at end of yr 11/yr 6 stage but not sure where & if i could honestly afford it. Will need to look into it, maybe 18 months is just what i need. have plently of passions & hobbies but admittedly have been very down lately so haven’t persued them.
Will have to put up with my partner in the meantime, honestly wish i could just restart my life now!

but thank you all for your comments, you’ve made life seem a little less bleak.

OP posts:
Coffeislife · 28/11/2025 19:51

Being a sen mum is lonely as it is without a shut down man. I see no one except my husband but he's amazing. If you need a chat whatever my messages are open. But practically plan your life for when your baby finishes school create design plan and live ♡

Endofyear · 28/11/2025 21:35

That sounds miserable OP, if I were you, I'd use the next 18 months planning what you're going to do when your dc finishes school. In the meantime, can you get out in the evenings to the gym, hobbies or activities? Have a look at local Facebook groups, there's usually lots for things like gardening, crafts, nature walks or historical societies, WI, book club, volunteering - if you can fill a few evenings doing something productive, it will give you a lift and help you plan a better life out of this relationship.

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