Thinking of ending the friendshio.

[1971girl]

I have a facebook friend of 7 years. He is male and I am female. No flirting ever. Just friends who have shared our relationship troubles and chatted over the years. The last few months there have been times I have messaged him asking how he is. He has read the message and hasn't responded but messaged back a day or two later. Bit strange. Personally, i have found this a bit rude as I would just say if it wasn't convenient etc and that i would get back to the person. I only message once a week to check in on him. The reason i do this is because he has mental health issues and looks after his elderly mother. He is shrewd though and knows what he is doing. I messaged him twice this week asking if he is ok. I'm in the middle of a house move and have a boyfriend of my own and my own life but have taken time to see how he is. Basically, I feel I am being treated like shit for being a caring person now. He talkscabout himself constantly but I let him offload to me. He hasn't done this every time but it has happened more and more lately than what i would put up with from anyone else. About a handful of times. I think i have made allowances for his issues. To ignore someone who messages you out of pure friendship is not on. People who check in on you are few and far between in this world. Am i being over sensitive and unreasonable?

You say he has mental health issues. Perhaps he is going through a low patch and that's why he has difficulty in responding to you?

Two days doesn't sound too long to me, but I take weeks to reply to Facebook messages.

But if you are unhappy with the friendship, just slow fade.

I suppose I wouldnt treat him like that so i find it very rude.

How did you meet

Facebook but have been good friends. He chats away to people on social media so it's not like he just doesn't want to talk to anyone.

If you've never met in person and socialised etc he isn't really a friend, just a modern penpal.

How do you meet people on Facebook? Did you just start messaging some random?

You’re expecting way too much from a friendship that only exists online. Of course people don’t always reply to a Facebook message straightaway! And ‘checking in’ on him every week seems a bit clingy to me.

i have a few online-only friends and to me, you seem really intense and over-invested.

Have you met this person in real life @1971girl ?

Agree with this PP. I find it very odd you expect such a fast response, particularly from FB messenger. Just let it go and invest in real life.

It isn’t unusual for people going through mental health crisis’ to isolate themselves, fully or partially, from other people. If you want to cut him off because he takes a couple of day to reply, that is your prerogative, but you don’t sound like a very good friend

Wouldn't the obvious solution be to check in less and let him approach you?

Otherwise you could be upfront and explain that you've noticed he's been less communicative than usual. Perhaps say it worries you a bit as he's previously quite quick and due to his health issues. Not a problem but you just wanted to mention it.

You sound like a nice friend before and I'm sure he doesn't want to lose that.

Is the friendship equal? Does he check in on you and ask how you are?

Life is tricky if we expect other’s to behave/think like we do. We are all different and just because he responds to messages in a different way to you, doesn’t make his way wrong.

No flirting ever. Just friends who have shared our relationship troubles and chatted over the years
I wonder if he’s realised that regularly contacting a woman he’s never even met to discuss his “relationship troubles” crosses a boundary, and this is why he’s stopped messaging as much. Or if his partner discovered your messages. From her POV, all she’d see was that her partner encountered a random woman online, they had absolutely no reason to start a private messaging session but did anyway, then he spent seven years complaining about his relationship and offering support to a woman who he doesn’t know, has never met, and has no real reason to be talking to. It wouldn’t look good.

Regardless of his reasons for messaging less, most people don’t class acquaintances they met on/only know through Facebook to be the same kind of friends as those they spend time with in real life. He wouldn’t necessarily consider it a big deal to stop talking to you, and as he sounds quite selfish I doubt he’d bother to offer you an explanation.

The last few months there have been times I have messaged him asking how he is. He has read the message and hasn't responded but messaged back a day or two later. Bit strange
I know MH issues can cause people to isolate, but as you know he’s still chatting to others this doesn’t appear to be the case here. I’m sorry OP, but it seems he’s not as interested in messaging you as he was in the past.

To ignore someone who messages you out of pure friendship is not on. People who check in on you are few and far between in this world
From what you’ve said he sounds quite sociable, so people probably aren’t few and far between for him. He’ll likely have plenty of real life friends too. Sad as it may be for you, I think you need to let this go and stop messaging him.

Perhaps he's phasing out the use of Facebook? I know many people don't use it much anymore.

Honestly you messaged him a couple of times and he didn't reply. It didn't take hours out of your day to do that, it took seconds. That's the amount of time you should've spent thinking about whether he responds or not.

I struggle with MH at times - and when I am in a low period - I "hide away" - mostly from people who know me well and know I may be depressed, or have high anxiety, etc. It is not rude - and it is most certainly NOT about you.

But separately - your "friendship" seems strange. You don't know each other in real life - and I wonder what you get out this "friendship". Are you in this for yourself to feel good for helping someone with their MH? Is it really about him or you?

Sorry but you sound a bit needy tbh. I wouldn't expect a friend with mental health struggles and an elderly parent to look after to prioritise my twice weekly "are you ok?" messages. "Caring people" as you describe yourself tend to be a bit more in tune to and understanding of the difficulties in maintaining communication a person can struggle with when they have mental health problems and a busy life.

As an aside, is your boyfriend aware you share your relationship troubles with a random man on the internet you've never actually met? If he's fine with it crack on, just not sure I'd be comfortable with the situation personally.

You don't know this person in real life, you don't socialise and you've never met. You have a modern day 'penpal', not a real friendship. You only know what he shares with you, and have no idea if any of it is even true. The fact he's still chatting with other people, yet hasn't bothered to reply to you, speaks volumes. You see him as a friend and believe you have a friendship, he doesn't. You are just one of many people he chats with. Stop messaging him. Let him come to you, and if he doesn't, then you will have your answer. I think you are expecting way too much from someone who is nothing more than a penpal.

He's not the only one with mental health problems by the sound of it.
This sounds way too needy and intense. Maybe he feels he needs to back off for his own peace of mind.