Having a hard time dealing with jealous SIL, who wants to see a lot of us! Help!

[typedupandchucked]

SIL is my DH’s twin sister. She has always been quite difficult to be around. I have always felt she is very interested in us and what we’re doing, how much something cost that we bought, where we might be going away to next, how well the kids have done at school, what ability they have at swimming, and the weirdest part, she seems to ask a lot of questions about what our DC are doing with their other cousins (I.e my sisters kids, despite not really knowing them). To put it simply I have always felt she is overly invested in our lives, probably lacks some self esteem and maybe feels inferior or something, also a bit socially awkward. Some of the stuff she asks I wouldn’t even think to ask her in a million years.

Anyway, because of this it’s always felt like she doesn’t fully like us, there’s not massively warm vibes and so it’s always felt like we don’t really click. DH calls her scatty and says he never really got on all that well with her when they were kids.

So the issue is, she wants to see us more than we want to see her. Yes she’s family and DH loves her somewhat, and we like her kids, but we don’t enjoy her company. She wants to see us and we don’t want to see her, particularly at Christmas! WWYD?

Family you need to put up with her a bit. If you both have kids wld be nice for them to know each other.

Just dont over do it, see her but dont let her overstay welcome and the likes

Its up to your husband to make arrangements and host her and arrange meetups, just leave him to it. You can be out or have plans if she visits.

Don't tell her all the information she asks, say 'not sure/can't remember'

Just meet up with her for a meal or at a Christmas activity like a light trail so there's a start and end. Not really fair to not see her over Christmas because she's awkward and prickly?! She's never said anything outright bad? So just see her for a meal or coffee at yours with low expectations.
Does she have kids then?
If she asks loads of qs and you cba answering just change the subject or give boring answers

She's your husband's twin sister.
What does HE think?

You say he calls her scatty and they didn't really get along well as kids
And you say "WE" don't really click, we think she doesn't really like us, we don't enjoy her company.
Is that your opinion of what you both think or is that what he has specifically told you that he thinks also?

If your husband is in agreement, then don't see her. Not everybody has to see everybody for christmas. People get busy, people get sick, people have other plans etc.

Do all the children get on and similar ages? She sounds insecure and envious of your sister and the relationships on your side of the family. Not seeing her over Christmas is pretty harsh unless it involves hosting her for days at a time. Season of goodwill..

What’s the current situation? Has she suggested something to DH?

That's a really sad read, I would be gutted if that's how my siblings felt about me. You don't want to see her at all? Goodwill and all that...

I think you take your husbands lead on this, you don't have to facilitate every meeting up or be there but you seem determined to view her as hostile when perhaps she's not and just wants to see her family.

None of that sounds anything other than friendly to me 😳

Other than the how much things cost, that's pretty nosy.

Either way keep out of it and leave your husband's sibling relationship to him.

DH also feels she’s jealous and overly interested, particularly he’s noticed when she’s asked about our kids other cousins. Her kids have other cousins too and DH wouldn’t ask about them because he wouldn’t even think about it, so it is a bit odd.
I do agree it’s sad, and I guess I feel I’m the one who is encouraging DH to actually see her. But it’s hard when you feel someone is desperate to keep an eye on you, almost as if they’d be happy to see something go badly for you type thing.

Maybe she wants to have a good relationship with you, and for your children to be involved in each others lives. Like families do.

It’s hard to know whether her questions are simply interest, she might just want to show an interest in your family too? Ditto for asking about costs, I don’t necessarily see this as intrusive between siblings? But if you feel it’s intrusive then maybe that’s how it’s coming across and maybe it is.

I think you should maintain contact but at a lower level for a while and see how it goes.

Gosh that's so sad and really mean spirited.

Don't you look at your own children and think how awful it would be if they felt like that about each other when they grow up?

Isn't this the SIL. Sometimes you just dont like ppl. It happens just dint be a bitch

OP has written nothing to indicate SIL is horrible in any way, just maybe a little socially awkward and over keen to have contact with her twin and his family.

I really can't see how pointing out that's sad is bitchy in the slightest, but some people's mindset certainly seems to be.

We don't all get along sure, but it's very normal to make a little effort with family, particularly at Christmas.

You can chose your friends, you can't chose family! Just do what is comfortable for you and DH. No need to be nasty, just don't tell her anything about your DCs. If they want to tell their cousins that is up to them but make clear that it's only what they have been doing.

DH wouldn’t ask about them because he wouldn’t even think about it, so it is a bit odd.

There’s a surprise - a man not giving a shit about extended family members - you do amaze me 😒

Do you ask your sister questions? Want to spend time with her and her family, or do you equally not give a shit? Something tells me you do, and somehow it’s not odd if the pair of you share information, see each other when you can etc.

Ask yourself these three questions -

Are you jealous of his sister bc they share a ‘close’ bond/relationship being twins - even if your husband does not outwardly acknowledge or admit this to you?

Are you glad he does not want to see his sister and her family bc you’re insecure, don’t particularly like her and it leaves more time to spend with your side of the family? (Is his life made easier for echoing what you yourself feel I wonder)

Are you, on reflection, not extremely hypocritical to feel that it’s weird, sorry, ‘a bit odd’ that a woman wants to spend time with her close family member and his kids but not odd for your sister to want to spend it with you and yours, or you spend it with her and hers?

Or do you just loathe anyone outside your main unit?

1. It’s totally normal for a sister to want to spend time with her brother & to ask him and his wife questions. Particularly if, as you say, you and your husband don’t really make much of an effort with her.
2. Be honest. How much time do you spend with her and DH’s side of the family vs yours. Many women elevate their families and put them above reproach while criticising every little thing of their DH’s family. You also need to consider that your DH / Sil have been talking about your side or he’s making excuses not to do stuff with her by blaming your family & that might be why she’s asking about the cousins.
3. Nothing you’ve described is a major concern. She’s just being chatty to her brother. Just like I’m sure you’re chatty to your sister.