He is 44 and I am 34.
I’ve been married to my husband for five years. He would start arguments over the smallest things, and I constantly found myself explaining or justifying my actions. In my head, I kept thinking it was just a misunderstanding.
A year later, he pushed me and pinned me down. I was shocked. Later, he apologized but said I had made him do it. I refused to accept that. He then said how deeply sorry he was and begged for forgiveness. I forgave him, thinking it was a one-off.
A few months later, my marriage became full of nitpicking and arguments. There were accusations, name-calling, swearing, and screaming at me. I would try to justify myself, but he always twisted my words. I was never going to “win.”
Then one day, he dragged me out of bed, and I hit my head on the floor. He said, “Good.” He poked his finger into my cheek. There were more instances of him pushing me, and this time he didn’t apologise. Instead, he insisted he wasn’t being physically abusive, accused me of loving to play the victim, and claimed other women “get beaten up” so I was being dramatic.
We went on holiday to an island. We argued, and he kicked me out of the bedroom at midnight. I was alone by the sea, sobbing. Luckily, I had money to book another room. He sent me abusive messages.
The next day when I went to collect my things, he threw water at me and pinned me down again.
Over time, I stopped explaining myself and would return his silent treatment. When he swore at me, I finally swore back. He pulled my hair because I swore at him. I stopped backing down in arguments because I knew I wasn’t wrong. Sometimes it made things worse, and he would use my reactions to claim I was “crazy.”
He tried to convince me I had bipolar disorder or ADHD. Whenever we had to go somewhere, he would purposely be late. He didn’t show up to visit my sibling who had cancer or to my best friend’s wedding, even though he told them he would come. I had to go alone, and naturally people started to wonder what was going on.
He got into £15k of credit-card debt and lied to me about it. We don’t have joint accounts, so I was shocked, but I still gave him the money to clear it on the agreement that he would pay me back.
He criticises me for earning more than him and claims I think I’m better than he is. When I ask for examples, he never has any.
He no longer pushes me but punches things around me or squares up to me. He’s broken few of my things but never his
I have never asked him for money. I always contribute to the household bills, we both do. But he makes it seem like he pays the majority, which isn’t true. He also claims he does more chores than me, which is also not true.
In the last two years, he developed a habit of throwing me out of the house and expecting me to take all my belongings immediately. He claims it’s “his house” because it’s in his name. I told him I’m not interested in his house, but I can’t pack up everything in a single day. He just screams at me and forces me out. He’s done this five or six times since last year.
I tried to leave the relationship a few times before, but he would threaten suicide or engage in self-destructive behaviour. He would beg me to help him. A few times I even took him to the hospital for assistance. Once, I asked his family to help, but they refused, saying he should face the consequences of his own actions. I didn’t have the heart to walk away when he was in that state.
Another argument started because I didn’t fold a towel, even though I had done other chores, including cleaning his mess. He insulted my looks and threw toilet paper with his urine at me. He said I deserved it and that his exes were much better.
It was completely dehumanising.
He threw me out again and later did the usual begging, but I refused. Something finally clicked; I had enough.
He never realises how badly he treats me. He always minimises it or flips it onto me, saying I’m argumentative and don’t take accountability. I do take responsibility for swearing or shouting back, but only as a reaction to repeated mistreatment. Yet he insists I don’t own it.
I’ve been living separately for three months. We’ve barely spoken. I noticed he stopped repaying the money he owes me (he had been paying monthly). I stayed quiet for about two weeks. I haven’t stopped contributing to any bills for his house.
Eventually, I asked him why he stopped paying me back. I said I haven’t cut off any bills even though I now have more expenses with rent and utilities.
He replied with laughing emojis and told me to grow up. He hurled more abuse. I ignored him. Over five hours, he sent around eight abusive messages and called multiple times. I ignored all of it. He also claimed the money wasn’t a loan and that I needed written proof (even though he has been repaying it for two years).
I ignored it. I’m willing to write off the remaining money. I’ve applied for a divorce; it’s something I had been thinking about for a long time but couldn’t bring myself to do until now.
I know no one can say for sure, but what are the likely reactions I might get from him, and how can I best prepare?