Should I tell my Mum that I know about her ‘infidelity’

[Elephant768]

Lengthy post so whoever can be bothered to read - thank you v much.

NB I use the term infidelity lightly because I know people won’t think this counts as cheating. I know if my husband did this to me - it would be heartbreaking so to me, it is cheating. But I appreciate there are ‘worse’ forms.

When I was 15 (12yrs ago) I found out that my mum was sending and receiving risqué messages and pictures to someone that definitely wasn’t my Dad whom she’s married to for 35 yrs…. I found out because she let me go on her iPad and it popped up (she forgot to turn off photo syncing).

I immediately told Dad because I felt she betrayed him. He told mum and she ended up shouting at me for ‘getting involved in her sex life’… (classic move from her -making something my fault!)….Dad told me separately that he appreciates me looking out for him but that it’s just a ‘pen pal’ to someone in Afghanistan that’s less fortunate than us and that I shouldn’t worry about him. So I just left it. The concept still upset me, as well as being told off for it even though I wasn’t snooping because my mum let me go on her iPad.

After that, it became so obvious Mum was secretive regarding her phone and sometimes I’d see from a distance she was texting other men with names I’d never heard of but I never mentioned it again because I was scared to get told off. I went off to uni and forgot about it but whenever she was being sneaky I could tell and I’d remember why.

11 years later, we know she still does it. I told my husband about it and he said at dinner he was sat next to her and a ‘hairy mans’ chest popped up and she quickly closed the screen.

My mum is so obsessed with pictures and sharing her life on social media etc. I remember seeing her phone light up and one of the men was giving her advice about her car so they obviously share more than just nudes.

I’m having a baby soon and I just worry that she’s going to send pictures of our baby to these ‘pen pals’. If one’s in Afghanistan, and the other name I saw (I instagrammed search) and he looked Dutch, then I know they’re not an immediate risk to the baby. But how does SHE know that? Especially if she hasn’t ever met them then it’s ultimately just a stranger online? It creeps me out beyond the fact I think it’s unfair to my dad. I worry she’s going to share our child with these men and I find it unnerving.

AIBU? For the last 12 yrs I’ve been too scared to mention it to her as an adult. I don’t even to mention it in a judgemental way - but to just ask her about it but I’m sure she’d get defensive and snap.

For reference my dad is never secretive with his phone, and I just KNOW he would never do this to my mum. But equally he’s unbothered by it so it’s never been my problem… however I just want to tell her to NOT share our baby with these men. Am I reasonable to do so or am I being paranoid??

I think asking for a blanket ban on your mum sharing pictures of your child(ren) should do it. Include social media in that ban.

You are absolutely not unreasonable.

Don’t send her any pictures of the baby. If she questions why you say something like “Why would I need to send you pictures of Billy when you’re so involved in his life?” or something to that effect.

If you absolutely have to send her pics of the baby set them to view once.

And don’t post your baby online. For a number of reasons (mainly due to AI and creeps being able to superimpose their faces onto indecent images) but also so that people who aren’t actually involved in baby’s life don’t get the privilege of seeing them.

Oh absolutely I agree! I’m the opposite and have no social media for the last couple years. My mum is very much into Facebook etc, I even asked her not to share photos of my wedding but to close friends - which she did respect. But bringing up not sending these pictures to these men, might be an award and tricky convo but nevertheless one that needs to be had.

Firstly your mum was out of order for having a go at you when you were 15...

She may never do that but I don't think it would be unreasonable to tell her point blank (no judgement just firmly) that under no circumstances should any photos of any DC be shared beyond your family and if you became aware then you'd be very disappointed / have to stop contact with them, then she can't complain or say she didn't know.

PPs responses about social media ban and view once are good - probably more neutral sounding! You can make it more about DCs privacy than your DMs behaviour.

Maybe assess as you go how it's going and adjust accordingly.

But how would she get pictures of your baby?

I’m just thinking when the baby is born or when we’re round I can very well imagine she’s going to want to take pictures on her phone. But I’ll strictly tell her NOT to share them with anyone other than family.

How do you know someone looks Dutch?

Sorry I didn’t mean to say they ‘looked’ Dutch, I meant I searched their name and it looked like they were based in Netherlands from their posts / and by the look of their name :)

For my own reasons I don’t want my mum having pictures of my newborn. I just told her not to take pictures of her. If you can’t trust her to listen to that then just make sure they’re never alone together. I have experience of this very issue albeit not for the same reason as you, but it really is as simple as “We don’t want anyone taking pictures of the baby” and if she doesn’t listen or you feel she will go against that then just make sure they’re not alone.

Edit: and going by her past im not sure I would trust her to not share the pictures to be honest so it would be a total ban on taking pictures of the baby if it was me.

I’ll be honest, it seems as if your dad knows and accepts it. You’ve outed her to him and then caught her out more than once so he is bound to have seen things too. Maybe he doesn’t have a problem with it so long as it doesn’t cross over into real life. I wouldn’t do it or accept it myself but some people just seem to need more.

I also doubt anyone would send pictures of their baby gdc to a “sexy penpal” (not the image she wants to project) but as others have said, just tell her not to share photos outside of the family if you’re worried. It doesn’t need to be awkward.

Haha. I thought that. Waving a bunch of tulips, with a windmill print sweater?!

I think the "pictures of the baby" thing is almost a red herring - "Mum, when baby gets here I'm sure we'll all be taking lots of photos. We don't want any (any at all) photos of the baby on social media. I know you post a lot on social media, so I'm writing this to you now."

You need to decide separately whether to confront/speak to her about her ongoing infidelity.

Mmm going against the grain here.

I don't think your parents' sex life is any of your business.

I can understand blurting something out naively at the age of 15, but it is quite clear this is something your mum does and your dad knows and is okay about it.

How do you know your parents don't have an open marriage e.g. or threesomes? Unless your dad has specifically indicated to you that he considers your mum is cheating, I'd butt out.

You can say you don't want any pictures of your children on SM without mixing this up with your mum's sex life.

I also don’t think this is any of your business. Your dad knows and whether he is ok with it or not, he certainly won’t want you bringing it back up again because you think that your mum shares baby photos with men she is sexting.

Absolutely tell your mum, and everyone else, not to share any photos but be prepared to find out that other people do things you don’t approve of (quite possibly your dad given he is so understanding of your mum’s actions) and that doesn’t make them a sex offender.

It’s not my business and my dad can look after himself (ofc I didn’t know that when I was 15) but I think when there’s a precious baby involved I want to be absolutely clear she doesn’t share him with these random men.

If these men are ‘pen pals’ and she shares all sorts of aspects of her life (ie her car issue) then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think she might want to share her grandchild with him. So I think I’ll be sure to say no pictures on social media AND to no one else outside of family, and I’ll be sure to say including anyone she may talk to from overseas. My baby is more important than her ‘sex life’ or her need to message someone from another continent so after thinking about it I don’t think I should care if it’s an awkward conversation or if it offends her in anyway :)

Okay. I mean, I still have no idea why her sex life comes into it.

Why can you not just say "Mum, I know you post a lot on social media and text lots of people. Just to be clear, we don't ever want photos of the baby shared."

You don't need to go on about "pen pals" or being secretive with her phone or any of that. You clearly disapprove of your parents' sex life, fine, but I think you should confine yourself to comments on photo sharing with anyone, and leave snitty comments out of it.

It could be that both you parents are into sharing pictures. If he knows about it and accepts it.

Not my thing at all and I cannot get my head round those who enjoy that sort of thing. So I would 100% be upfront. Say that you know she engages with several other men and shares more than most people would. Its her life and thats fine but you do not want your family and children to be mentioned, included or shared in any way. Make it clear that this is a do not cross boundary and if she dares disregard your request then she will be cut off permanently from her grandchildren.