Can we tell SIL the reason we don’t see her if because of her husband?

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DH’s sis. A little older than us but we have kids of the same age group. She’s been with her DH about as long as I’ve been with DH (her brother). They aren’t particularly close as siblings go so it’s never been easy to hang out, no one has ever really hit it off.
Since having kids and BIL owning his own business, we have drawn away from them. BIL is an alcoholic, he’s unpleasant and not a very warm or friendly person, he’s abrupt and awkward and we really don’t enjoy his company. We haven’t wanted our kids around him and so we have avoided spending time with them, making excuses and being extra busy. We’ve seen them at bigger group gatherings and always been friendly etc. The kids aren’t that close and not hugely interested in each other, they play, but I’d say the whole “cousin bond” thing that people often talk about doesn’t really apply.

Anyway, DH has declined a Christmas meet up offer, I feel bad for her because she wants to meet up and I think is feeling sad that we don’t get the cousins to meet up more. At the end of the day we are family and it has felt uncomfortable for me that we’ve been fobbing her off.
It’s got to the point that we feel we need to be honest with her, and tell her it’s 95% her husband which is the reason we don’t meet up.
I don’t know how this will go down, is this an acceptable thing to say to someone…?

Tbh, to me it seems even more important to see her if her husband’s an arse unless she encourages him. Otherwise, her own family is contributing to her abandonment and isolation. Is your BIL’s impact on the group so profound that he can’t be ignored? If so, could you socialise just as adults so your DCs aren’t impacted? Do you have a relationship with your SIL that means could socialise directly just with her?

You should 100% be seeing her OP! I feel sorry for her. And the cousins aren’t going to have a bond if you don’t facilitate!

yes you should make it clear it’s her husband. Even if you don’t say it in so many words, can you suggest a time to meet up when he isn’t available?? Something like ‘has DH got any work trips coming up? We’d love to have you and DC to stay if you need some company’ or just bloody tell her. At least then she’ll know it’s not her.

Meet her. Just ignore him

Also I think that people sometimes overestimate the impact that adults can have on children WHEN the parents are present. My parents had some VERY questionable friends when I was growing up (80s) and it never really bothered me at all as my parents were always there too so I never really interacted with them.

are you sure he is going to be with your kids enough to have any kind of real impact?

I think it’s very sad that you don’t meet up more often. I know there are unsavoury people in the world, and on the one hand life feels too short to waste time on them. BUT you are depriving both sets of cousins the chance to know each other, and your children the chance to know their aunt. Sometimes in life these relationships can be incredibly valuable, often later rather than in childhood.

It's a sad situation, but if you say something you may well just alienate her. Does she love her DH? Is she a loyal person who is likely to be upset or offended if you're honest? When it comes to couples, it can be awkward to say 'We don't like your other half', because essentially you want her to side with your and your DH against her DH, which is a potentially awkward position to put her in. FWIW, I can't stand my DSIL's DP. He's just awful, but it's not my place to say anything. Fortunately, she often sees us and leaves him at home, which is a win/win, but I'd never criticise him to her.

Fuck that.

Life is too short to be spent pissing it away when the BIL is a Class-A bellend.

I would make arrangements to see her one on one for a 'girls' day. No kids no bil. Do that regularly. Don't launch into telling her you hate her DH. Become friends and see if she opens up.

Yes - totally what @Sunshineandgrapefruit suggested. If you like/care about your SIL, then i would suggest finding opportunities to connect directly with her, maybe or maybe not involving the DCs.

Sounds shit.... for her.
Her dh might be a dick... but your Dh isnt a million miles better.

Why cant he your DH take her (sil) out for a 1:1 christmas dinner / theatre / whatever and spend some one on one time with her???
If the kids cant be alone with him maybe you could take the kids with yours to some x mas thing while he takes her out.

She probably needs her family more than the average person if she has young kids and an alcoholic husband. Her kids (your husbands nieces and nephews probably arent having much fun growing up with a piss head dad either)

Leave your husband to deal with his sister and BIL and keep out of it.

Unless this man is actively harmful to your children, it seems like a mean reason for your DH to reject his own sister. It’s Christmas, you’re supposed to spend time with family you don’t especially like because it only happens once a year, and anyone can cope with that for the sake of the family members they do care about.

We have an IL we see little of due to their massively overbearing spouse. DH has started quietly seeing them separately. Can’t work out the best way to say it, also they’d want to try and resolve it which we don’t want; they are what they are, they’ve done what they’ve done and we’ll never forgive them. Cousins also aren’t that close, there’s a big age gap anyway. So that has no bearing on our decision either.

You don’t have to suffer people you dont want to, but I’d see the person you do like separately

To give a slightly different opinion.

It seems to me that the Spouse is just an excuse not to see her.

As has been pointed out there are many different ways that your family could have seen the SiL without the Spouse being there, but even when she reaches out you CBA to make an effort to see her.

That your children are not close is not just down to her or her spouse, both sides need to make an effort and your side doesn't seem to be putting that much into building a relationship.

I expect she already knows. There are probably quite a few friends of theirs who have taken a step back as well.

I think your DH needs to meet up with her and have a heart to heart.

Can you ever see her without him?

I think you should see her regardless. Your children and hers deserve to have a relationship with their cousins.

So the weirdest part is, her DH is obviously nice enough to her because she seems relatively happy with him, and she seems to be somewhat unaware that we don’t like him. If I felt my dsis didn’t like my partner, but I was keen to meet up it would have occurred to me to ask to do something without him, making that clear to see if that was a better option. And she’s never done that, she always wants to meet the 2 couples and the kids.
When I say it’s mostly her DH, that is the case, but it’s also her too. She seems unable to ask questions and keep the convo going, she’s someone that mostly talks about herself.
DH and I has said she’s always been like this, since kids, which explains partly why he’s not really that keen to keep the relationship going, or having a relationship just the 2 of them.
So yeah, it’s all a bit wierd. If we could get a magic wand that makes everyone get on we would! But we don’t, and it’s feeling a lot like why should we grit our teeth through meet ups if it’s not working, even if that is family?

My kids don’t and won’t ever have cousins. I was lucky enough to grow it with loads, so I know it’s affecting my comments, but honestly for the sake of my kids, I would. It’s not just about the childhood play, as adults my cousins are there for me, and now we’re starting to lose our parents generation, it’s so important for support.

If he's just unpleasant and not harmful, why are you denying your kids a relationship with their aunt because of it? It all seems rather OTT

So it’s not just him it’s her too. If you don’t like them it’s fine to keep the relationship on a basic level. You don’t have to be close to people just because they are blood relations

Your thread title is a bit misleading, no?

Because the reason you don't see SIL is :
Your dh doesnt like his sister
You don't really like her
Neither of you like her husband
And you arent keen on their kids...

So whats the point?
because you dont actually want to see her or the kids ex BIL, you want to not see any of them!!