I need some alone time!

[BusiBo]

Fully prepared to have people tell me my relationship is doomed but hopefully I'll find some people who understand and can offer some words of advice.

I love my partner very much. We've been together for nearly 10 years and I'm currently pregnant.

We both work shifts but it actually worked really well. Our shifts meant that we probably got more time together than the average 9-5 working couple. It also meant that for the odd few hours here and there and one full day a week, I had time by myself...and I loved it!! I am definitely an introvert and need alone time to decompress, recharge and clear my mind.

Recently my partner changed jobs and with that came the option to pretty much choose his working week. He's chosen to work shifts almost identical to mine - meaning I'm almost never alone. I'm craving that alone time again, I need it. I can feel myself getting snappy with him.

I know when the baby comes, it will be great to have him around so I'm very lucky in that sense but I'll always be introverted and need time to myself.

Do I say something to him? It's definitely got the potential to hurt his feelings or cause an argument which I really don't want!

Wanting some time alone doesn’t mean you like your partner any less - it’s a completely normal need. DH and I have a very close relationship and love time together, but we both also need time apart just to decompress. I always give him half an hour alone when he gets home from work (after the initial hug, kiss, ‘How are you? Lovely to have you home’ conversation) and he also gives me time just to chill with a book or something. It’s not that unusual for us both to be in separate rooms on a Sunday afternoon, reading or mumsnetting (me) or watching a YouTube video (him). Later on we will eat together and chat and watch a film together or something. Like I say, it’s normal…or it is for us at any rate.

I would hope that a sensible, emotionally present adult would understand this without too much explanation but if he’s one of the few people who really doesn’t need this and doesn’t understand, you’ll have to tell him. Hopefully ‘I love you and love spending time with you, but my brain needs time and space to switch off by having some regular time on my own. Can you help me to find time for that please? I will be a happier person and partner as a result so it’s in both of our interests to get this right’ should do it…..

No, your relationship isn’t doomed! If you have a partner who can’t understand and more importantly accept that human beings sometimes need time on their own then you do have a bigger problem but hopefully still something you can work out together.

Thanks @CountryGirlInTheCity your right - maybe this conversation isn't as scary as I think it is. It's just about wording it well.

I wish we could be alone and in the same house - if we are in separate rooms it wont be long before he comes to find me to ask if im OK , which often involves him sitting and staying next to me .I'm aware that probably sounds super miserable of me.

He also does a few hours working from home so I set up the spare bedroom as an office for him (Which I thought would be a good solution) but he chooses to sit next to me to answer emails or make phone calls and it drives me mad. I often ask him to go use the office for this.

I think he will understand - he's honestly a great partner and has been amazing through some difficult times recently. He also likes his alone time - his shifts are shorter than mine so he still gets his.

I think I'm extra grouchy (pregnancy) but I also do an overnight shift on a Tuesday which means Wednesday mornings are never my finest 😅

Not using the office for work would give me the rage. If he does that, I would have the vacuum out so fast - every, single, time.

@TheSandgroper I hadn't thought of that but it's a strategy I'm very willing to try 😂

Using the office is definitely going to be part of the conversation!

@BusiBo Your house does not belong to his boss. His boss does not have a say in how you manage your house beyond providing an appropriate space for the work to happen.

You have provided an appropriate space. Beyond that, your space is your own.

And I would make that stick.

I’m an introvert but I realise reading your post that I don’t need time away from my DH because we can just co-exist in sane house without needing to interact at all times. I think the issue is that you just need to establish what you need and communicate that to your partner.

You are going to crave time alone once baby is here (tapped out doesn’t even cover it) so, once you are past the very early days I strongly recommend carving out time for both of you to escape separately!

Edit - just saw the bit about working next to you. That’s not even about needing time alone, that’s an encroachment of someone’s work environment on your life outside of work, who wants that?! He definitely needs to go work in a separate space.

It's a totally normal need, OP. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty for asking for what you need in a relationship. Keeping quiet and gritting your teeth in order to save someone else's feelings is never successful.

If he gets his alone time he should really understand then! Hopefully it will just be a case of reminding him that he gets his and spelling out that he needs to be observant enough to make sure not to disturb you when you’re having yours! Rather than expecting him to know you might need to be more direct ‘right I need some time on my own now - don’t disturb me for an hour’ or whatever.

My DIL is one of the rare people who doesn’t seem to need time on her own - she just thrives in the company of others and doesn’t need that decompression time. However she completely understands that my DS (her DH) needs his and sometimes just sends him off somewhere when she senses he needs it. When you live with someone else you have to make accommodations for these things.