My boyfriend (M27) and I (F26) have been together for four years. He was loving, patient, and kind - someone I trusted deeply. This was my first real relationship where I felt I could be fully myself. He’d always been sweet, loving, generous and supportive.
When we met, I’d just started university with long-term plans to immigrate. I was clear about this from the beginning. Despite his hesitations, mainly due to his aging father’s declining health (Diabetes), he pursued me and said he’d come with me when the time came.
In July, his behavior shifted. For the first time, he became distant, distracted, and emotionally withdrawn. I initially blamed work stress and our ongoing talks about the future, but two weeks ago, I noticed he was acting secretive about his phone. Out of suspicion, I checked his old, synced phone and found weeks of messages with a 21-year-old former colleague, Louise (his boss’s younger sister).
Their chats weren’t flirty, but emotionally intimate. They bonded over shared musical and political interests, talked about university experiences, and exchanged personal stories and miscellaneous photos. It felt more emotionally loaded than just casual conversation.
When I confronted him, he claimed it was nothing… until I threatened to call her. She later told me the truth - they kissed twice during a work night out. The first was spontaneous and after a regretful talk outside, they kissed again.
He later met up with her to apologize and cut things off, saying he felt confused and scared about his future with me, especially with me possibly moving abroad.
He told me they spoke for a couple of hours, and when he tried to make her leave his car, she was unwilling and tried to hug him, saying it was “cruel” of him for not reciprocating. Ultimately, he told her they would never be an item and nothing would happen between them (I called her to confirm whether they kissed again).
He’s since reflected, told close friends, and insists it was a moment of self-sabotage driven by insecurity and not a desire to be with her. He says it could’ve been anyone, and that it wasn’t about her specifically.
For the past two months, we’ve had difficult, honest conversations while sleeping separately. We’ve spoken vulnerably about the ways we’ve drifted, his emotional state, his fears of abandonment, and how he’s struggled to open up to me, feel good enough for me or live up to expectations I never had of him to begin with.
He says he didn’t want to seem weak, and that he didn’t know how to express that he was feeling lost. He’s expressed deep regret, wants to try again, and is willing to go to therapy (individual or couples).
He’s been emotional and says he doesn’t want to lose me if I think there could be a way to rebuild trust. He’s been adamant that he only wants me and will never get into this headspace again because he feels comfortable enough to talk to me now. I can admit that whilst I haven’t been a “bad” girlfriend to him for 4 years, I haven’t put the same effort in as him and have let me do a lot of the heavy lifting, genuinely.
I’m heartbroken and unsure what to do. This is my first time going through something like this, and I feel completely lost. Can I ask you please be firm but kind. I genuinely never expected this of him, of all people.