I have really low dating self esteem. As in I genuinely cannot fathom the idea of someone liking me romantically. Guys are always very attracted to me and approach me first but as soon as I return the interest, the rug if pulled from under me. It’s never happened before where someone was so into me and I was into them and things just made sense. I think I’m not supposed to find someone in this lifetime. I fully think something is off about me that makes me this way and it makes me feel two things: the first being that no one will ever like me and the second being that because me dating self esteem is so low, I shouldn’t put myself out there because that’s just a recipe for disaster. I’m self aware enough to know that there’s something about me that makes me unlikable to men but not aware enough to know what that is. But I also do know that low dating self esteem is what invites manipulation and abuse and other horrendous outcomes so it’s to not engage. I don’t even want men to approach me anymore. I just can’t believe this is where I’m at and I’m almost 28. Sometimes it makes me so sad that I want to die. But according to everyone this isn’t a real reason to be sad, whether they want to admit that they feel this way about my situation or not. I’m met with stupid platitudes and other meaningless statements meant to undermine my perception of my reality and minimize the depth of my pain. I wish that I didn’t care. And I believe that apathy is the best path forward for me but I don’t know how to get there because there is a part of me that wants to be excited but I need to kill her. Like I seriously need to kill the part of me that still cares because it only brings me so much sadness when I’m otherwise usually ok. I’m tired of crying about this shit.